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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3yr old unhappy at pre-school WWYD?

22 replies

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/03/2018 22:18

My DS (September baby) started pre-school at the beginning of January 12hrs a week, 4 afternoon sessions.

He loved it from the start, no tears at drop off and happy when coming out.

This has now all changed over the last couple of weeks as he is being picked on by a bigger girl. He is almost hysterical in the run up to leaving for school, floods of tears and begging to not go. He has told me this girl keeps trying to fight him and his behaviour has completely changed. He is a very sweet boy but he now growls and shouts whenever he is challenged (e.g not being gentle with his little brother) or if he doesn’t get his own way (regularly obvs as 3yr olds aren’t exactly known for asking for reasonable things aka ice lollies for breakfast!).

I have talked to the TAs a few times and they said they’ll do their best to stop anything but it is a very busy setting (about 30 kids I think) so they might miss something. It has improved but not enough I don’t think.

As school was closed today thanks to the weather I took some time to try and talk to him about it in more depth and have come to the conclusion that I’ll just stop him going and try to start back up in September as she’ll have moved to Reception then. My DH isn’t massively keen as he thinks DS should just get used to dealing with situations like this but I feel like he shouldn’t have to deal with this shit yet. It’s had such a detrimental impact on his happiness and his behaviour that I can’t see any benefit from forcing him to interact with this girl - all the other parents I’ve spoken to knew who I was taking about before I even mentioned her name so it isn’t just him - I know she has a troubled home life and is taking it out on her peers so I feel for her but at the same time I don’t want my DS to suffer!

So wise MNers WWYD?

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/03/2018 22:20

Is there a risk he might perceive being withdrawn from pre-school as a punishment in the longer term?

Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 22:22

Them saying they'll try and keep an eye but can't promise as its a busy setting is a bit weird actually. It's a pre school so ratios should be right regardless of the size of setting! Is there not another pre school you can send him to? My children's pre school would not tolerate a child bullying and would be on it straightaway. I wouldn't trust this one for another year and its a pity for him to miss out for the next 4 months.

UpstartCrow · 19/03/2018 22:22

He is dealing with it like a 3 year old, that's why you are seeing tantrums and tears. As the nursery cant keep the older kid away from him, give him a break.
Is there another nursery or playgroup he can join? Maybe a fun, relaxed reading group at the library (if its still open)

OwlinaTree · 19/03/2018 22:23

I think you need to talk to someone more senior then the tas.

'My son is unhappy and doesn't want to come to nursery because x is hurting him and fighting him. How can we address this issue? How will you keep my child safe? How can I support this at home?'

So you are not attacking them but you are clear that you want a plan in place to help your son.

OwlinaTree · 19/03/2018 22:24

Or look at other settings, good suggestion.

Onceuponatime21 · 19/03/2018 22:25

Pull out, based on my experience, and re-enrol when more of his peer group will be there.

I wish I had done this. Preschool is totally unnecessary. If he is socialising with your friends' children, and you don't need him to be there (I.e you don't need the time without him for work or whatever), I would sack it off. He'll be fine!

Some kids love it, some kids don't. Some settings are brilliant at managing children and helping them all to find their place, and some aren't.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 22:26

And yes I totally agree you should pull him out. He will be in schools for the next 14 years of his life and you don't want him hating school. At 3 children should not have to deal with this.

Original poster

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/03/2018 22:29

@UpstartCrow I totally agree, before I found out about the ‘bullying’ (not sure what to call it in pre-schoolers?!) his behaviour had taken a dive but I put it down to being tired from school but the poor sausage must’ve been feeling really mixed up. He is genuinely lovely (although he does a good line in hangry!) so it was a bit of a shock but I’ve been trying to be really calm and give him lots of reassurance and positive praise for good behaviour.

@Fruitcorner123 sadly there isn’t another pre-school and the nurseries are oversubscribed with a waiting list that doesn’t let them start until July or something I think

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I think he’d just feel relieved tbh but it’s an interesting thought!

OP posts:

Littlelambpeep · 19/03/2018 22:33

I would pull him out. The staff need to do their job and supervise more closely. My child's pre school have different rooms, could he move rooms,?

Original poster

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/03/2018 22:35

@Onceuponatime21 that’s my gut feeling, I put him in to give his baby brother more 1-2-1 time with me but he normally sleeps naps then in any case!

@OwlinaTree I’ll try and speak to the teacher tomorrow but she didn’t mention it at parents evening which was a week and a half ago so I’m not sure she’s aware!

OP posts:

Original poster

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/03/2018 22:36

@Littlelambpeep it’s one big open plan space sadly so a mix of 2-5yr olds!

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Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 22:41

Do you mean this July? Could he go on waiting list for one of the nurseries? It doesnt sound like a very good pre school given the attitude you've described. In a pre school setting you would expect children to be very closely supervised.

If you do send him back in Sept I would write a letter to the pre school manager highlighting your reasons for removing your son and asking for them to reassure you that they will keep him safe next year.

Have just thought of this but could you find out if there are any sessions this girl doesn't attend and send him in for those. She may well not be full time.

Thesmallthings · 19/03/2018 23:32

Sorry but 4 year old can not bully. To bully is to do with intent... no 4 year intends to go out and hurt some one

That said they need to be keeping a closer eye and would ask what they are doing to prevent this.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 23:51

Thesmallthings i disagree I think bullying is about what they do (i.e. Intimidate ) it's not about motive. A much older child could still have trouble really understanding the harm their actions will cause hence they are not legally reponsible until 10 but they can still be a bully by picking on the same child.

SilverOnToast · 19/03/2018 23:54

Definitely speak to the preschool to resolve any issues first (and don’t worry about being “that mum” - ask all the questions you need to), but otherwise it’s totally fine to pull him I think. Having more time at home is just what some kids need (and I’m a preschool teacher)

GinnyBaker · 20/03/2018 00:19

I had a very similar thread recently asking for help with my 3 year old DS who had started really not wanting to go to nursery.

I was given some really good advice on the thread, which basically boiled down to 'the most important thing at 3 is to feel safe and secure'.

I had not wanted to move him as I felt like I might be teaching him to walk away from a problem, or that he can get out of anything he doesn't like by causing a fuss.

In the end I pulled him out and already he is a different boy, or, I should say, already he is back to the boy he was before he started acting out.

I had had, in total 8 discussions with 2 different ta's and the teacher about him being unhappy and they were all of the opinion that he was playing up for attention, he just wants to be spoilt at home, 3 year olds make loads of stuff up etc.etc. But he is much, much happier already. And I wish I'd pulled him sooner rather than making a crying boy walk in there.

Original poster

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/03/2018 06:44

@Thesmallthings I put it in quotation marks as I’m not sure what to call it but she is picking on my DS and has a reputation for doing so to other children also.

@Fruitcorner123 in all honesty the pre-school seems fab, before this started he has loved it there, I think their hands are tied because she’s 4 and the parents are proud of her - according to other parents her parents refer to her as a Queen Bee

I’m going to ask about the possibility of attending different sessions from this girl today but if not possible I’m pretty certain I’ll just stop him going for now.

@SilverOnToast thank you!

@GinnyBaker Sorry your DS had similar, glad he’s happy again now!

OP posts:

52FestiveRoad · 20/03/2018 07:32

I think their hands are tied because she’s 4 and the parents are proud of her - according to other parents her parents refer to her as a Queen Bee

ugh, we had a child like that in my DDs school, all the way through primary. She caused so much trouble and the parents were proud of her. I would pull him out until she has moved on, it won't get any better if her parents are like that.

MrsCrabbyTree · 20/03/2018 07:45

If you can, take him out of nursery. My heart is breaking for the little guy. He won't think of it as punishment, more as being kept safe by his mum and dad. Don't let him 'deal' with this. He is still a baby, he needs his parents to deal with it.

childmindingmumof3 · 20/03/2018 07:50

Take him out and start again in September.

Original poster

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/03/2018 07:52

@52FestiveRoad indeed! I am just glad she won’t be in my DS’s year!

@MrsCrabbyTree exactly! He’s too little for this rubbish I’ve made a plan with him(he loves making plans ) that we’ll go to a toddler group this morning and then we’ll go up to school after lunch to talk to his teacher to see if he can go to different sessions when this girl won’t be there but that if he can’t he doesn’t have to go. He is happy with this

OP posts:

Original poster

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/03/2018 13:17

Well we (DS and I) had a meeting with his teacher - who is lovely and was aware - the girl is full time so no other sessions BUT DS wanted to stay so he’s currently at school and they’re going to do their utmost to keep them apart. Apparently he gravitates to her he is a bit of a people pleaser though so I understand that! Going to play it by ear and if he doesn’t want to go tomorrow I won’t take him if he does I will

OP posts:

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