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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she is not a friend

45 replies

BinorNot · 19/03/2018 14:44

I had an accident at work yesterday and ended up in A&E. Turns out I’ve broken my ankle.

It’s not a terrible injury but was enough of a shock to make me want to call a friend for support.

I called, who I thought was, a close friend but she was quite distant on the phone although did later text to say that she hoped I was OK.

We had previously arranged to meet up later this afternoon but hadn’t made a time or place.

I texted this morning to thank her for her text.

It’s now past 2pm and I haven’t heard from her.

AIBU to think that she isn’t a true friend?

OP posts:

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 15:25

Lots of people don't know/forget what it is like to break a bone. It is painful, shocking and unpleasant. So she could have texted today to see if you were up to a visit from her, I guess a kind friend would have done that...

So now you know she is not terribly kind or interested in you when you have accidents etc she can slide down the friendship scale to an area called fair weather friend.
Next time you are busy and life is rattling by you won't feel the need to check in on her/make time for her etc.

With that decided you need to get better and rest up. Box sets and chocolate

WipedOutDaze · 19/03/2018 15:30

It's very good you have a friend to come round, and so nice that she has even with her own family to look after.

Your other friend just may not really be as close/ and or have problems of her own at the moment. It is probable best just not to expect anything more from her than as an acquaintance. SO she is probably real, but in those terms.

user1490607838 · 19/03/2018 15:32

What exactly did you expect from your friend? Were you hoping she would drop everything and run around after you? Coz some people do have other things in their life you know.

Coz I know a woman (a neighbour) who sprained her wrist in June last year, and couldn't drive. (For 4-5 weeks.) And even though she has a partner (of 10 years,) and 2 siblings, and her partner's 2 siblings and their wives, she saw fit to call me and ask me to take her food shopping, and to a dental appointment, and to hospital appointments (a 40 mile round trip, that takes up half a day,) amongst other things.

Apparently, because I work from home, I have all the time in the world to run people around and their beck and call, so I became the one she kept pestering. After several times of helping I started saying no, and she was quite arsey, and slagged me off to others saying I was very unkind to not keep helping, as I am 'home all the time.'

So maybe she was expecting you to start asking her to do stuff for her, and didn't want to have to commit herself.

To be honest, if a friend rang me and started telling me she had a broken leg, I would think it was because she wants me to run around after her. I bet this is what your friend thought.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/03/2018 15:40

That accident could really cost your employer.

Make sure they have reported it on the HSE RIDDOR website.

Do you know if their ladder checks are documented and up to date?

I don't see anything wrong with what your friend has done, she may just have things going on.

Rudgie47 · 19/03/2018 15:45

I think you are expecting a bit much from someone. In my opinion you can only expect support from very close family not friends really.
Sounds like shes has things going on in her life and also she will have presumed that you are now unable to go out.
Hope it heals o.k.

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 15:52

rudgie

Not everyone has family to depend on.

EdmundCleverClogs · 19/03/2018 15:54

I can’t get over you posting this here when there’s a reasonable chance your friend will see it and recognise the scenario. That’s a new level of passive aggressive. Did she miss your Facebook update saying ‘I suppose times like these you find out who your real friends are’, or similar vague PA nonsense?

MatildaTheCat · 19/03/2018 16:04

Friends take many forms. You have one who did drop everything and come over with supplies and sympathy. The other friend did the bare minimum. She sounds like a ‘good times’ friend who will be there for fun but not for the tougher times.

Or she may just have been really busy or had something else going on. Why don’t you text her and ask her over for a cuppa when she’s free?

WinstonlovesJulia1984 · 19/03/2018 16:06

I don't think you can conclusively say she is not a "real" friend. Who knows what else might be going on for her at the moment? It's nice that the other friend was attentive but I think you should cut your first friend some slack

Takfujuimoto · 19/03/2018 16:06

Sorry about your ankle

What were your expectations of your friend when you decided to call her about your ankle?

I can not see anything wrong with her response tbh, she was probably busy with work or something when you phoned her at first but she did text you later.
If you were expecting her to help out without asking directly for it then that's your mistake for not being direct enough and presumably relying on her to offer.

This doesn't mean she's a bad friend, probably means she's got some bigger priorities right now or is very busy,sorry!
If you phoned me like that and didn't ask for something specific then I would believe you had help arranged already.

Tbh I have never found the need or want to phone anybody apart from work or family if they need to know about a hospital visit or illness/bad accident, I don't put that stuff on FB either and I don't understand why people do it either.

Rudgie47 · 19/03/2018 16:06

rocketgirl22 Well if they havent then friends wont always step up. OP if you feel let down by this wait until you have a really serious crisis then you will really see who your friends are.

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 16:13

rudgie

If they won't step up then what is the point of the friendship?
A serious crisis will expose the fairweather friends, but so will smaller things.

It depends what you are looking for in friends, but it is safe to say most people would like to feel valued and cared about.

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 16:15

Op if she is usually a very good friend then cut some slack, if she has form for not really caring very much then she is a b list friend and adjust your time/resources and energies accordingly.

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/03/2018 16:20

You sound a bit needy.
It's a break, not a life-threatening illness.
And, as PP have said, she likely has her own problems to deal with.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 16:24

It's a break, not a life-threatening illness.

Yeah but it's one that's going to make life pretty awkward for a while

I'd have done what Friend2 did and popped in with some bits, espcially as we had already agreed to meet

Rudgie47 · 19/03/2018 16:25

rocketgirl22 Friendship means different things to different people. Some people would expect their friends to be providing all sorts of favours and practical and emotional support. Other people may just view a friend as someone to have a chat with now and again.
Everyone is different regarding expectations and what they are prepared to give.

LuckyAmy1986 · 19/03/2018 16:28

Do you flake on her a lot?

LuckyAmy1986 · 19/03/2018 16:28

As in, might she have thought “oh here we go again” presuming that your sort of arranged meet for today would be off?

mrsheathy85 · 19/03/2018 16:32

anyone else hoping the friend sees this?

SpringEquinox · 19/03/2018 16:57

We had a minor domestic crisis a couple of weeks ago and, as I was travelling home to sort it out, I texted a close friend to tell her as it involved a change of plans. She immediately replied with commiserations and an offer of help, which I didn't need to,take her up on. I was occupied with dealing with things for a couple of days and then, momentarily, wondered why I hadn't heard from her as she is normally in frequent touch. Turned out that she was dealing with things of her own, including an unexpected diagnosis, and ' didn't want to worry me when I had enough on my plate ' My mini drama faded right back into proportion.

Maybe she thought you already had practical support otherwise you would have mentioned it ? Some people are not good with hospitals or any kind of medical problem in others .

Wishing you well in your recovery -

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