To think too much is being asked of us?

[whyisntlifelikeadisneymovie]

I live with my partner, our son and my father in law (partners step dad), let's call him FIL1.

He became very poorly and has been in hospital for 6 weeks, it's been constant, daily visits, me and partner sorting all the care, sick notes, dealing with his employer, making sure his bills are paid and that everything ticks over. BIL told us that I'm not family, not proper family like his wife is because they are married and I shouldn't be going to the hospital or involved in any discussions with the doctor, bearing in mind he couldn't even be arsed to stay at the hospital whilst FIL1 was in life saving surgery. He was very rude to me and to OH and we ended up telling them we didn't want anything to do with them.

Fast forward 6 weeks, FIL1 comes home but needs constant care, can't get up and down the stairs without help or make his own meals, but we are here to help. We decide to text BIL and say regardless of what has gone on they are more than welcome to come and see FIL1 at our house.

2hrs later we receive a call from FIL2 we shall call him, OH's dad, sobbing his heart out, his partner has been rushed to hospital, and it's believe she has advanced pancreatic cancer, more than likely stage 4 and doesn't have long. We rushed down there to be with him and OH stayed the night with him. FIL2 told us that when his partner dies, he will end his life as he can't live alone, he has a lot of complex health issues and his partner is in effect his Carer and the only reason he isn't in a home.

OH has spent the whole weekend at the hospital with FIL2, whilst I've been at home caring for FIL1, also I might add that I am nearly 11 weeks pregnant, suffering with hyperemesis gravidarum, trying to run a business, bringing up our 10yr old.

BIL told FIL1 he would come round today, hasn't bothered and hasn't even bothered to call. He doesn't talk to FIL2 so won't take any of the responsibility there to help out at the moment and also clearly isn't willing to help out with FIL1.

OH is out of the house for 5:30am every day for work yet it's all falling on us,

I know that FIL2 wants to spend every waking moment at the hospital but it's expected that OH will stay with him all the time, it's not manageable,

There's been talk of FIL2 also coming to stay with us once his partner dies, we are simply not equipped for that and can't provide the care he needs.

AIBU to think that too much is being put on us?

Thanks for reading if you got this far x

Yes, that's too much for you to be dealing with, even without the added difficulties of your business, HG etc. What does DH want to do?

You are not being unreasonable and you need to be honest with yourselves and with FIL2 that you will not be able to be his carer. It's not fair on you and it won't be fair on him, you have a child and one on the way, and FIL1 already in your care.

It's a horrific situation but you absolutely cannot do everything and BIL needs to pull his socks up and help his father (and his stepfather).

OH wants to do the best by everyone but he needs to think about himself aswell. He suffers from depression and I don't want him taking too much on. He's been at the hospital with his dad since 9am and isn't home yet, yesterday was the same. Also have the added extra that FIL1 is home with a drain still in, I literally can't look at it or I run to the toilet to be sick, I don't have a strong stomach anyway so add HG to the equation and it's a recipe for disaster. I don't even need to see it I just know it's there.

My heart goes out to you sounds like all the deck of cards have fallen down at the same time, does FIL2 have the means for you to look at a care home , you need to look after yourself being pregnant, is there any help you can get for a carer to come in to your house to help out with FIL 1 which would give you a break for part of the day, and DH will just have to tell his dad that much as he loves him he cant spend all day with him and arrange a timetable that works for both of you all the best to you x

I’m sorry you’re going though this. Please call both Macmillan and Age UK to find out what support is available.

@condepetie there's no way BIL will though, he refuses to do anything that doesn't benefit him personally.

We definitely need to be honest with FIL2 but he's told us that he can't live without his partner and that the only option is to take his own life, that couldn't be a bigger guilt trip, I do not want that put on OH it's just not fair x

@isseywithcats we have the district nurse coming out 3 times a week for FIL1 but she is here for 10mins, empties the drain and checks his wound. He wouldn't qualify for any more help than that, it's more there needs to be someone here to make sure doesn't hurt himself x

I think you shouldn't feel obliged to be a carer for either of them, not in your own home. Your BIL sounds like an idiot and frankly your FIL2 is making his poor partner's illness all about him.

We also have the added worry that FIL2 and his partner are not married and the house they live in is owned by her, FIL2 is left with nothing when she goes, the house is to be sold and the proceeds go to her son and daughter. FIL2 is literally left with nothing, so no money for a home, or for care. It's totally wrong but he's always accepted this because she has looked after him and cared for him

@MyBrilliantDisguise FIL1 lives with us permanently, when OH and I moved in together it was agreed we would all live together as OH and FIL1 lives together at the time x

I'm sorry, I didn't notice he was living with you anyway.

Would your FIL2's partner not give him the right to live there for a while?

YANBU. You have enough to do looking after your partner's stepfather, without looking after his father as well.

If he needs care/support and has to move out, the council should find a place in supported accommodation for him.

You or DP could speak to the hospital where FIL2's partner is - tell them that he has told you he will kill himself after she's gone. It's not fair on you and your DP that you're having to deal with this when you have so much on your plate already.

Will you be able to take care of FIL1 once the baby is born?

It sounds like FIL2 needs very complex care that his partner was providing and sadly that will soon no longer happen. The hospital will be able to help you with a) dealing with his mental health as well as physical and b) getting you and your DP in contact with the people that FIL2 will need to take care of him.

You absolutely cannot take care of him, that is obvious, and his other son is a shit who can't be bothered. It's horrible but if you take him on as well as FIL1, as well as a newborn, not to mention your 10yo, you will be completely overwhelmed and no one will get the care they need. :(

Sorry I'm struggling to tag people so just responding to everyone as I can x

The saving grace is that FIL1 is going to get better. He is recovering from 2 big operations but prognosis is good, so this is only temporary and manageable without everything else added to it

Definitely agree with talking to someone and telling them about FIL2 suicidal thoughts x

I think your main role is to convince OH that he shouldn't feel guilty in any sense for whatever decisions you make. It is an impossible situation and no decision is wrong unless it negatively affects your little family too much. You should be concentrating on you guys. Don't underestimate the strain a newborn will put you under. You are likely to have forgotten after 10 years. Don't take on too much or make promises you won't be able to keep.

You sound like a very caring person and your relatives are very fortunate to live close to you. I dont know if this helps, but for the FIL who lives with you. I would suggest installing one of the emergency bleepers for him to wear inside the house - like Careline. For FIL 2, if he is unable to live on his own, I believe that his needs will need to be assessed by adult social care and a care package would need to be arranged for him to continue to remain in his home (possibly x number of carers per day) or for him to move to more suitable accomodation. FIL2 is probably going through a traumatic emotional time, but his worries may ease over time. Is there anything that you can out source like a cleaner, meals on wheels, online shopping for FIL1 or FIL2 to make things easier for everyone. You can also arrange for regular medecines to be ordered and delivered from your local pharmacy to the persons home address free of charge. You also need to look after yourself and your own family. There are situations where you must say NO to preserve yourself. Dont forget that caring for someone could be for years, so what happens if you need to go away on holiday ?

I'd tell the hospital Social worker that FIL 2 needs an assessment for care when his partner becomes really ill and cant manage anymore and for when she passes away.Make it very clear that your not doing any caring and its not your responsibility.
With FIL 1, I'd make sure hes getting all hes entitled to benefit wize, like is he getting attendance allowance? If he makes a turn for the worse at all then I'd be looking at him paying for carers or him moving into residential care. You cant be looking after someone 24/7 as well as a baby and other child.

YANBU. This is far too much for you to be doing. I don't have any practical advice but definitely let someone know about FIL2 and don't feel guilty. He is a grown man and isn't your responsibility.

How old is FI 2.? When my DM died my DF said he was going to die soon after, he lived another 26 years.

Thank you everyone x

FIL still works so is currently getting sick pay from work. He has been told to stay off for up to 3 months but should be recovered before that. I have spoken to the district nurse about getting a key safe for outside so that I don't have to be home all the time to let them in as they are Unarranged times. I also make FIL1 carry his mobile phone in his pocket at all times in case he falls or needs me. We refer to him as one of our children because he needs looking after to a degree, in that if he has medication to take he doesn't without prompting, he eats really unhealthily and asked for Chinese for tea tonight, wasn't impressed when met with chicken potatoes and veg. All in all it's not FIL1's care I'm overly stressing about as it is temporary, it's just the added stress of everything else.

Definitely thinking about the strain of having a newborn, the 10yr old is my son from a previous relationship, this baby is OH's first, and yes I feel like a first time mum again.

Add in to the equation that OH snores so bad that we are unable to sleep in the same room most nights, we are addressing it and he's been told he needs a cpap machine and has an appointment in April to get it so there's light at the end of the tunnel

I've spoken to OH briefly tonight, he's just come home. I told him that I feel selfish but we cannot have FIL2 living with us. He said he feels exactly the same and that he will need to go into some sort of sheltered accommodation or care home, The one good thing is that OH and I literally have the same opinion on everything and totally agree with each other, would be hard work if we didn't have the same view.

I have told OH that we need to have a chat with FIL2 partners family about what is going to happen to FIL2 when his partner passes, it's something that needs to be discussed unfortunately.

I went to the hospital today and FIL2 partner said she couldn't tell I was pregnant because I'm big anyway and FIL2 referred to me as a "cuddly sized girlfriend"

FIL2 has spent the day making OH feel bad, asked him if he felt bad for abandoning him (FIL2 was quite awful to OH in the past and caused some very bad depression) and OH had to take time out and stay away for a while.

I just can't help thinking all we do is help people and look after people and all we get is shit!

@deste I think he is about 75

I think FIL1 sensed me and OH needed some couple time tonight. He's been spending all day and night in our living room (he has his own) because it's comfier which is totally fine but I've not seen OH this weekend. FIL announced he was having an early night so we have some time together. However we are shattered and probably off to bed soon 😂