in thinking that many dear sweet old ladies are often obnoxious interfering old witches

[ungratefuldaughter]

Over the years I was saddened to see quite a few old people around whose grown up children rarely visited even though they lived fairly close, I can now see why.
DM has never been a nice person even to the point of DH (and me) refusing to have her in our house (not that she wanted to come as it was too dirty, disorganised and noisy and generally not good enough) but once she retired we all eased up a bit and she visited each week but she has returned to form and gets nasty and abusive about all sorts of things and makes false accusations but if you argue back turns on the tears. The following day she will call asking for help as if nothing had happened. It is not dementia just her true character shining through (backed up by her older sister) but without any inhibitions.

The big problem is that her acquaintances think she is a dear sweet old lady who is being neglected. I imagine this is happening all over the country with many families refusing to have anything to do with their parents or just moving as far away as possible.

no not unreasonable at all - never really foudn out the law that said if you lived to a reasonable age you must bea nice person!

sounds like you and dh done more than your bit for her.

People are just people I'm afraid, they don't suddenly turn a new leaf when their body gets old!

My Dad is the same, he's always been an aggressive troublemaking old git, and just because his body is getting a bit more frail doesn't make any difference, as he still tries to meddle in family affairs and turn sibling against sibling.

His aquaintances also think his children neglect him, as they don't see how much he drinks/starts fights etc- You'll just have to ignore what other people think as they won't understand. And at the end of the day, if they think she's being neglected, then they will offer their support to her, so it's not the end of the world.

All you can do is a bit of straight talking. Just tell her you're fed up of her constant criticism and abusive behaviour, and that you're not willing to put up with it just because she's your mother. Either she tones her behaviour and speech down, or she doesn't get to come around. You have to be firm with people like that, she's obviously used to things being forgiven and forgotten.

Her asking for help is like emotional blackmail, she knows you won't refuse to help her, but it also means she doesn't have to apologise. Next time it happens talk to her either straight away or before she has a chance to call up asking for help, so she can't sweep her behaviour under the carpet.

Look at all the threads on here about PITA dps at the school gates or playground. The world is full of unpleasant people unfortunately and I doubt they all change dramatically once they reach retirement age.

Maybe your dm would be more bearable if you met outside your/her home since she might be on "good behaviour"?

Or maybe when she comes round, one of the acquaintances who thinks she is a dear sweet little old lady should be invited too?

Tried the straight talking but she just says we are picking on her and turns on the tears even promising/threatening to do away with herself (she won't do it - has been saying this for years).
We have her visiting as a matter of damage limitation as this prevents phone calls at strange hours and invented illnesses (heart attacks, cancer, and strokes)
The only thing that seems to prevent problems is changing the subject completely as soon as she starts to be nasty about anyone or anything (we have the whole family trained up to do this even the youngest who starts performing handstands in the front room) and a large glass of wine as she walks through the door (makes her fall asleep)

unfortunately many of her acquaintances have also been victims of her spiteful tongue but fortunately only to us and not to their faces and most are the nicest and sweetest people you could meet,

It has made me realise that not all loneliness in old age is caused by the death of close friends and family

i expect her nastiness is nothing to do with her age. your thread title sounds ageist.
if you want help with difficult parents you could try reading "toxic parents" which has some useful tips

IKWYM UD - I used to think my nanny was the best person in the world, she spoiled me rotten. It was only after she died that I found out she was a heinous b!tch to her sons and daughters... I think it's probably more parent/child thing than and old people thing.

My grandmother was a miserable old witch and I'm now plagued on a daily basis by our elderly neighbour who is evil incarnate - so yes, old age does seem to have a negative impact on niceness in some cases (or maybe they were both always horrible). In fairness, I can understand why - loneliness, aches and pains, boredom, changes in the world you can't keep up with - I'll probably be pretty grumpy when my time comes, and my DD will be posting OPs like this .

that is the problem - a nasty young or middle aged person is nasty whereas a nasty old person often gets everyone sympathy. The 81 year old woman sent to prison for breaching her asbo was dealt with differently by the media (ie daily mail) than someone much younger doing something similar

Perhaps we could all be nasty to some extent but good manners, social skills and consideration control our behaviour to others - it just seems that many people over a certain age loose these inhibitions and can get away with it (also toddlers and teenagers to some extent)

Catherine Tate's "nan" is probably too accurate for many people (apart from the swear words)

Part of the ageing process is the diminishing of your social inhibitions - which is why some old folk will step out gaily wearing, e.g, lederhosen, or big hats, or yellow shoes (all have been seen by me on my travels in SE London).
It also does have the effect of making them more forthright and less likely to think before speaking.
If a person in their younger years has always had a tendency to cause trouble, backstab or whatever, it is likely to become more obvious in old age.
I've seen this in my own parents, who are wonderful people but definitely less empathetic and warm about others than they were 15 years ago.
I do think your thread title might have been worded better though!

the title was out of desperation having just finished a telephone conversation with the dear sweet old lady asking after my health having spent bank holiday monday with the obnoxious witch saying I was deliberately trying to make her sick with my cooking

Nasty old people are just the same as nasty young people, except they've had more time to practise being mean!

Did you? ... deliberately make her sick with your cooking????

There have been worse ideas .....

everyone else liked it,

also I wouldn't dream of trying to make her ill - she would be on the phone two or three times in the middle of the night saying she was dying

Point taken

(slopes off to think of some other evil plot ...)

Seriously though, it sounds horrible for you.