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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Them or Us?

27 replies

HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 12:09

LO's 1st birthday, DH and I said we'd hold a little party for her for family so that we could all have a get together to celebrate. Well aware she didn't know but thought it'd be a chance for both families to get together. My parents didn't come to my wedding as they couldn't get to the UK for the date they said (live in a different country and travel is approx 3 hours on a ferry and 3 in the car). Offered alternate dates and they said just to go on with it anyway.

My parents were in the UK for a hobby from Monday of this week to Friday but the actual event isn't until Thursday. LO's birthday was on Tuesday. We are approx 3 hours drive from where they are staying. We invited DH's family and them to the house for dinner. DM said to the invite that she'd be 'too upset having to leave so soon after arrival' to come to the party, but spent the day posting on Facebook how much she loves and adores her grandkids and that she's gutted she couldn't make it to see us.

My DH is wound up about that as he feels it would have been really easy for them to drive to us given how close they were. I can't get in the car to them at the moment as suffering awful morning sickness and car motion has me retching and vomiting.

So; who is BU? DH for being so mad or them for not bothering and the FB posting thereafter?

OP posts:
LimonViola · 17/03/2018 12:16

Nobody is BU tbh.

It's up to your mum whether she feels it's worth making the trip or not.

Your husband is being a little U to care so much about what she's posting but fair enough if he's upset, he's only properly U if he has a go at her about it. He's entitled to feel how he likes about the situation.

Original poster
HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 12:18

He wouldn't have a go but as she posted on a load of pictures from the day how much she wishes she could have been there he's wondering if I should talk to her and gently say that she could have been if she chose to as otherwise, the way she phrased it, it looks like they were almost kept away.

Personally I don't really care as my mum has always been pretty self absorbed so this doesn't really surprise me or bother me.

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LimonViola · 17/03/2018 12:20

I don't think it's worth telling her that. It's not news to her. She already knows she could have attended and chose not to.

MrsJayy · 17/03/2018 12:24

So your parents couldn't come to your wedding because it was too far but came for a hobby but wouldn't come and see you or their grandchild I would be very upset if my parents did that horrible selfish behaviour.

MrsJayy · 17/03/2018 12:25

I would reply on her pictures tbh I am not a "rise above it" person though

bridgetreilly · 17/03/2018 12:25

I think she is BU to post those kind of comments when actually she could have come to the party. But there's nothing you can do about it.

Original poster
HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 12:33

I think my DH in fairness to him is sick of how my mum takes things over to make herself look like a brilliant grandparent / parent. Example being when we found out about what we were having, mum posted a big thing on Facebook that read "we are having a boy, over the moon and so excited" and lapped up all the praise and congratulations from the friends in the hobby she's in the UK for now, but the effort to actually be with us and support us isn't there. I see his point in that if she wasn't already in the UK it would have been a trek but the fact that she was here and chose not to has rubbed him up the wrong way - and has annoyed me too really.

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S0upertrooper · 17/03/2018 12:41

This would really piss me off too, especially the fb posts and 'we are having...'. Are you hurt OP? So sad they didn't make the effort to visit. Like you say, she sounds very self absorbed. I'd probably post a reply on fb 'It was such a shame you weren't able to accept our invitation to visit' as I'm not very good at rising above it!

Original poster
HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 12:45

I think to be honest I am. This sounds pathetic but I've always craved my mum and dad's pride and never really received it. Moved away because the dynamic at home was broken, met my DH and we started our own family. We were basically NC until I got pregnant and one of my other (favoured) siblings fell out with my mum and went NC too. She came to me then for support which I gave as it broke her heart not to be involved with the grandkids.
My DH is gutted for me really. He hates to see me hurt and then never do anything about it because I'm scared she will not bother with me anymore. Not sure why I even care to be honest but it really does bother me.

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Angrybird345 · 17/03/2018 12:51

So your parents couldn’t go to your wedding because of distance, or see your dd, but can make the effort for a hobby .... I’m with your dh. Your parents can’t be arsed so i would distance myself from them.

MrsJayy · 17/03/2018 12:51

It bothers you because she is yourmother and she is being unkind to you you are allowed to be upset Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 17/03/2018 12:53

I would add a Facebook post.

“SO sorry you can’t make, 3 hours is just so far to drive in the snow”

Makes the point that you’ve invited them, that they’re 3 hours away, and if there’s not much snow where they are it makes them look non commited.

KickAssAngel · 17/03/2018 12:55

Of course it really bothers you. Even as adults we still crave parental love & approval. That's why there's so many threads on here about partners who suddenly act batshit crazy and do whatever their parents want, even to the detriment of their own partner & children.

It's a really, really, hard thing to deal with, both practically and emotionally. I would suggest that you have in mind where you want your boundaries to be. e.g. live your life so that your pwn family can be happy and contented, then 'allow' a certain amount of time/effort for your parents. It does sound like you're doing that already. You had your wedding & your LO's birthday celebration when it suited you, invited your parents but didn't rearrange things for them.

Now you just need to step away from FB. You can't change your parents, so just don't engage with how they broadcast their fake reality to the world.

ghostyslovesheets · 17/03/2018 12:55

I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect them to make a 6 hour round trip for dinner - sorry

Bluelady · 17/03/2018 12:58

If you're not bothered why would anyone else be? Your circus, etc.

Original poster
HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 12:58

Thank you for all your comments. They really do help.

@ghostyslovesheets - ordinarily I'd agree with you. The event was a few days on still and they could have stayed with us. The party was tea but the offer to them was a few days here to be with us as they haven't seen LO since mid last year and always say how hard it is to be away from us and how much they miss us.

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Original poster
HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 13:01

@Bluelady - sorry; entirely my fault as I was unclear. It bothers me they didn't want to come and see us now they have the chance but I wouldn't enter into a conversation about it by choice, it's just that DH thinks it's time I tell them that the selfishness hurts.

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Goingtostoprepeatingmyself · 17/03/2018 13:05

I would be really upset too. My mum did all the doting granny impression stuff after my first was born but didn't bother coming to see us in the few weeks before flying off on holiday. Didn't stop her giving everyone the impression she'd single handedly delivered and kept the baby alive though Angry. Are you going to tell them how you feel before they leave?

anneoneill · 17/03/2018 13:08

I don't how any body who actually read what you've written will think you're in any way unreasonable, OP.. They will travel across land and sea for a hobby, so they have the means and the ability. You're not asking an infirm couple to do it.

MorningsEleven · 17/03/2018 13:09

She won't change, I guess you know that. So you either change your expectations of her and ignore her bullshit or you cut her out. I'm really sorry you haven't got the family you need or deserve.

MargotLovedTom1 · 17/03/2018 13:15

Yes they're being twats. It would make me feel better to reply on FB 'Yes, it's a shame you couldn't make it. You know you're always welcome to stay.'

FantasticButtocks · 17/03/2018 13:27

Or you could reply publicly on FB 'why don't you change your mind and come? We'd love to have you as you know, and it would be such a good opportunity while you're over here to spend some time with dgc!

This makes it crystal clear that it it them who have decided not to come.

Original poster
HeelsonCobbles · 17/03/2018 13:44

I wimped out and just posted that it was sad they couldn't make it. My DH thinks that it wouldn't hurt to speak to them once they get home after the event and make it clear that their behaviour hurts. I just can't be bothered with me drama "poor me my life is terrible why don't you understand" from my mum and the inevitable NC.

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anneoneill · 17/03/2018 15:35

Maybe some day you'll defend your family over your parents.

OutyMcOutface · 17/03/2018 15:39

Them. They clearly don’t like your daughter that much.