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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty for calling out my mum?

20 replies

ScurfyTwiglet · 17/03/2018 12:04

My mum and aunty came to visit me and DH for a few days to see our new baby, who is my mum's first and only grandson. They live about 350 miles from us, so it was a very eagerly awaited visit! Last night it was DH's 48th birthday, and he wanted an indian takeaway, so that's what we had. We were all sitting round the table, the conversation obviously centering around babies, my aunty starts talking about the "biological clock" for women and how most women get to 40 and suddenly panic and decide they're desperate to have kids... Then my mum starts talking about her female friend who had her baby aged 48, and how she always says how guilty she feels that she won't be around for much of her son's life because of how late in her life she had him. I was feeling really uncomfortable at this point, and after the second or third mention of this "guilt" of her friend I loudly interrupted and said "can we please stop talking about this, we have a brand new 48 year old here and it's really RUDE!". Cue much apologising etc. She definitely did not mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable, she is the loveliest most caring lady ever, who does everything for us - the last thing she would EVER want is to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable. We'd all had a bit of wine and she simply didn't realise what she was saying. Now I feel really, really guilty for calling her out and creating an atmosphere at the table. AIBU? What would you have done?

OP posts:

Queenofthestress · 17/03/2018 12:06

Nope, you handled it perfectly tbh I would have done that in a heartbeat

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 12:06

YANBU to have asked her to drop it. It's pretty breathtakingly oblivious to sit there in front of a new 48 year old dad banging on about how having a child late in life means you won't get to see much of their life!

So good for you saying something and sticking up for your own family.

mycutecumber · 17/03/2018 12:08

sounds like you handled it well to me.

Casmama · 17/03/2018 12:08

I think you should have made a jokey comment and not caused an atmosphere.
I say that as someone who’s she was 45 and 50 when our boys were born.
It is old to be having children and people will have views so you need to not let it bother you.
Having said that you have a very young baby so don’t give yourself a hard time.

Lethaldrizzle · 17/03/2018 12:08

And pretty stupid too given how much longer everyone lives now

Casmama · 17/03/2018 12:09

Who’s dh!

Casmama · 17/03/2018 12:11

Calling someone out would be appropriate if there were deliberately being offensive, someone chatting away unthinkingly - not necessary.

flippyfloppyflower · 17/03/2018 12:20

I'm going against the grain and will say you were wrong to do so - particularly in the manner you did. You could just have made a joke about it and moved the conversation on. Your mum was thoughtless - no more so need for the response from you.

Try to enjoy the visit and move on.

Starlighter · 17/03/2018 12:22

I think you did the right thing. Your poor DH!

Original poster

ScurfyTwiglet · 17/03/2018 15:40

Thanks everyone. I know I could have handled it much better, and she definitely would never intentionally call me out like that. It just came out of nowhere and if I'd paused for one moment to think I could have come up with something to say that would have made light of it and changed the topic of conversation, but in the moment it just erupted out of me! And now I feel too embarrassed to bring it up again in order to apologise, and anyway doing so would result in the pair of us crying! We are silly gooses...

OP posts:

whampiece · 17/03/2018 15:57

Unless your DH feels the same guilt I'm not sure why it bothered you tbh.

I would have laughed it off with a 'yeah, some people waste their time feeling guilt, DH is happy to become a dad and is going to be much more positive about it than your shrivelled up friend'

CherryMaDeary · 17/03/2018 16:01

I would have laughed it off with a 'yeah, some people waste their time feeling guilt, DH is happy to become a dad and is going to be much more positive about it than your shrivelled up friend

Why have you called a 48yo mum 'shrivelled up', whampiece?

Are you being offensive or have you failed to understand the thread?

whampiece · 17/03/2018 16:07

Are you being offensive or have you failed to understand the thread?

Neither. The derogatory term directed at the mothers friend was intended, as the whole conversation was about the person being 'past it/too old'.

PotteringAlong · 17/03/2018 16:07

I think you should have left it. It wasn’t tactful, it wasn’t thoughtful, but it’s also true that, although your DH celebrated his 48th birthday with parents and his child, the chances are his age means your child will never be able tp do the same. And I don’t believe you will have decided to have a baby with DH being the age he is without having had this conversation and cast iron life insurance.

“Mum, just leave it” might have been more tactful. But she also might be worried about you and your future so it’s on her mind.

CherryMaDeary · 17/03/2018 16:13

Neither. The derogatory term directed at the mothers friend was intended, as the whole conversation was about the person being 'past it/too old'.

I still don't understand why you are calling the mum's friend 'shrivelled up'? All the friend said was that she feels guilty that she won't be around for much of her son's life.

whampiece · 17/03/2018 16:15

I still don't understand why you are calling the mum's friend 'shrivelled up'?

I'm not. It was a suggestion that a snappy put down followed by a bit DH isn't negative like the friend may have worked.

Personally I have no opinion of the mothers friend. Neither do I think 48 year olds are shrivelled up.

Original poster

ScurfyTwiglet · 17/03/2018 16:28

And I don’t believe you will have decided to have a baby with DH being the age he is without having had this conversation and cast iron life insurance.
This was an unplanned (but much loved) baby, and a very new relationship. Think something like the plotline from the C4 show "Catastrophe", the only difference being we'd been seeing each other for a few months. So, no, that conversation was never broached...

OP posts:

Casmama · 17/03/2018 16:49

I understand it was unplanned but now I think you need to consider that some people will judge your dh as too old to be having a child.
I don’t think you should give a flying fuck about negative opinions but coming up with some snappy replies should someone raise it might be worthwhile.

PotteringAlong · 17/03/2018 18:48

Then in all seriousness, even if you’ve never had the conversation, please make sure that he does have cast iron life insurance.

UnRavellingFast · 17/03/2018 18:57

You have recently had a baby. She will understand that tact and such aren't at the top of your agenda and will understand and not mind. Don't worry! If she's as lovely as you say she will think her way round it like a sensible person and not sweat it. She'll probably just cringe a bit at being tactless herself when you and dh least need it!

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