Might as well be a single mum

[anon994]

I know I probably am being unreasonable or just finding reasons to complain but I just need to vent and get things off my chest. So sorry if this is super long.

I live with my partner and our 6 week old daughter. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 8 yo and stays with us most weekends.

My partner works long days Monday to Friday. He leaves at 5:30am and doesn't come through the door until gone 7pm at least.

Since my daughter has been born I've done every night feed every bath time. Everything. He gives her the odd bottle if I ask him to. Or changes her nappy if I ask him to. I get he works long days so I don't ask for much help during the week but on the weekend it would be nice if he helped out. I actually feel sometimes That I might be better off single even though I do love him very much.

I didn't wake up to even a card on Mother's Day. I didn't want anything except from a card. Because I asked if he had got me one he made a point of running out to the supermarket at lunchtime on Mother's Day and getting me one ended up writing it out infront of me. Which is fucking pointless and I wish he never even bothered. Just so pissed off as I went above and beyond to get both our mums a really beautiful thoughtful present each.

He does NOTHING indoors. I cook, clean, pack his lunch, washing everything. We can't work out if the baby's got colic or silent reflux or both. Most days she cries all day long I mean ALL day long so it's exhausting and draining. I love my daughter and she's so perfect but I get myself so upset because she's in pain and no matter what I do I can't seem to ease it for her.

Dh come home from work to me crying because I couldn't stop our daughter crying and I was just purely exhausted from everything. He told me to sort myself out and pull myself together, of course babies cry it's what they do...

Anyways. Our daughter has never left my side apart from 3 hours once when my mum had her so I could go out. My mum asked and really wanted to have her for a little while so of course I agreed.

On my partners days off. We have his daughter. She throws tantrum after tantrum. It's stressful and to be honest it pisses me off so bad. Instead of telling her off and disciplining her he offers to take her to buy a new dvd or a new toy and some sweets to calm her down... which doesn't help AT ALL because every time she stays she throws a tantrum to just get whatever she wants. Don't get me wrong she has beautiful manners and can be well behaved sometimes and I do love her very very much but it's so testing it's unreal. Last week end she threw such a tantrum he caved in and let her get in our bed with him and I had to sleep on the sofa with our daughter next to us in a Moses basket. I suffer from arthritis in my spine so am in a lot of pain already on top of the difficult birth I had which im still suffering from.

I don't really know what I want from this post i just feel so done. I have no friends at all. My family all work full time so i don't see anybody. Im scared to take my daughter out because all she does is scream and scream on her bad days and I'm worried that other people will think I'm a bad mum or neglecting her which isn't true I love her so much.

He goes out with his friends most weekends. Not of the evening but during the day saying he's got running about to do or he's trying to make money (he buys old cars and does them up and sells them for more) but most times he comes back home and doesn't even do what he was set out to do he just gets side tracked. Then when I get upset and say I never see him and spend time with him, his answer is he lives with me.

And to top it off he's just told me he's going on a whole weekend fucking fishing trip in 2 weeks time so I will be on my own completely isolated yet again. I just feel so so so down

Firstly you need to see your gp, having a baby is so tough and you will end up isolating yourself further. Babies do cry but for a reason, if she’s clean, dry, fed, winded and has attention she shouldn’t cry, have you spoken to your health visitor about it?

Secondly if he has energy for his mates at weekends he has energy to spend with his family, even just going to the park or out for lunch etc and he should have baby during the weekend at some points to give you a break.

Thirdly you need to talk to him about step daughter, it’s your house and your bed as well and he can’t just take the easy way out and you need to agree to stop spoiling her etc where will she be on fishing trip?!

I've got our 6-8 week check next week so going to get doctor to confirm what it is with bubs. I don't know what to say to them about me though. They know I'm struggling with the pain they've given me painkillers again to help but they're not doing much.

Every time I try to get him to help he makes it sound like I'm nagging. But when his other daughter comes over they do loads. They bake cakes and play games and go out on nice day trips etc.

I also keep saying you can't keep giving in to her it's not fair on me and she's turning in to too much of a madam. He gets so defensive and actually accused me of not liking her which really really upset me as that's not the case.

I asked him to do the night feeds once. He slept through the cries so I had to wake him for the first feed. The second one I woke him up he told me he was too tired and can I do it. I was too exhausted to argue so I just fed her. Don't get me wrong I love her so very much and am more than capable of doing it on my own. I just don't feel like I should have to if he's here and living at home with me.

So stop sorting his family’s gifts.

Book a weekend away alone for yourself. You need to prioritise your mental health

Just explain to gp how you don’t want to go out and you get no help and are isolated etc
I think you should sit him down and tell him if he can’t man up you will think of leaving because it’s not fair (only if you want to of course)
What happens if you say no to step daughter?
And have you ever handed baby over when he and step daughter are on the way out and said ‘have a nice day you three!’ You need to prioritise your mental health.

Also you keep saying you love baby which of course you do but just do you know it’s completely normal to not like them when they don’t stop screaming and you’re exhausted x

Thanks for your reply. Can't tell dsd no her own dad doesn't tell her no. Also her mum is v hard work. Last thing I need is her complaining about me. I've tried talking like an adult I've tried screaming till I'm blue in the face I've tried just sobbing it doesn't enter his head. Don't get me Wrong I love him dearly and he's not all bad just very unthoughtful and laid back. Honestly I don't trust dsd around the baby. That sounds awful but she's v sly. I often have my niece over to play (5yo) as she loves dsd dearly just for a few hours. When I watch them I see how spiteful and manipulative dsd can be and often have to pull her on it (nicely) so I don't trust her to be in the same room for even a mo with my baby. Hubby is too laid back and not quite on the ball and clued up like I am when she's here which makes me on edge

I did think of telling gp how I feel but I'm scared they will think I can't cope xx

what was he like before you got pregnant?

what did you both agree the arrangements would be after the birth?

did he want the baby or was it a contraception failure?

Oh honey they won’t think that at all, you just need a bit of advice and support is all which is completely normal.
Do you have anywhere you can go for a few days just to think about things?

Can you go stay with your mum for a week? When he goes to work on monday- pack a bag and leave. If he doesnt fight for you back, then its time to go for good. I wouldnt even tell him. Id leave a note explaining your reasons and unless he bucks his ideas up you and your DD will be leaving.

This will give you the answers you need.

He never helped with house work but I only worked 2 days so didn't mind and never complained. He can't cook anything apart from a pot noodle lol. But if I wasn't well with my back he would always really look after me and he was always wanting to take me out for dinner or drinks etc or even just chilling at home with the duvet on the sofa new DVD and a glass of wine. Baby was planned, was actually him that initiated me getting pregnant.

The plan was for me to do night feeds all week and him getting be me a hand when needed weekends but to help with everything else during the week obviously like like making a bottle etc or change her bum. Still waiting for the help though x

I agree with k109 get away for a bit x

I’d stop doing things for him and just do things for yourself and the baby. Do you have a family you can visit during the week or weekend? Any baby groups nearby? Worth checking out. I had my son in winter and my partner worked every day through December and having a month old and Me doing everything because he was tired was ridiculous. My sons now 1.5yr old so if he says stuff like he’s too tired to be bothered I stop washing his clothes and only buy food for me. I then say well I’m too tired to do things for you. He soon gets the deal. Men don’t understand what it’s like to be home with baby all day, especially if they cry and just want to be held all day, it can be very isolating, stressful and exhausting. What about a childminder who could come to your house to help for a few hours?

It may be an unpopular decision but here goes.

When i had DD, during the week- I did do everything. While looking after a newborn nad a home is hard work- my DH works 18 hour days sometimes in a manual job running his own business. I was in a betrer position during the day to have a sleep, sit and watch TV etc then he was. Soon as I returned to work (DD was 8 weeks old) he was expected to muck in as we both had the exact same responsibilities then.

If your DH is working as many hours as you say OP I can see why he wouldn't want to get up at 2am to make a bottle. Especially at the stage were you can lie in bed with your baby for the majority of the day..

It was only when I told my dh that I wanted a divorce as I'd sissies out he would have custody over a weekend so I could someplace that he realised how bad the sleep deprivation was. From then on in we each had one of the weekend lie ins.

Very gently because I understand that you are only a few weeks post partum - on behalf of single mums please let this be the last time you say "might as well be a single mum"

If you were a single mum you would have to do evrything you do now and bring in enough money to pay for everything, amongst other major differences.

Good luck with improving your situation so you aren´t doing the lion´s share.

As a single mom I’m a lot better off than before but it’s not easy. It very much depends on your relationship and what you want out of life

Is there any chance you could go and stay with your family, or have someone come and stay with you for a bit? Not saying you can’t cope, just we all need some help sometimes and I’m afraid your (D)P is not supplyin* it as he should.

Agree with others that you need to put yourself first - like on planes when they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before your child's because if you've passed out, you can't help anyone else, here too you need to look after yourself first or you're not going to be able to look after your dd. Let your dh wash his own clothes and make his own packed lunch. He's not a child. You need to sleep when your dd is sleeping.

You sound like a great mum but need some help.

Your dh needs to help, by taking on more childcare/housework, or paying for extra help eg say cleaning, and not going out so much at weekends.

You need to get your dd checked so she's not in pain and screaming.

And you need to remember that your dd is still very tiny but within a few months she will probably be sleeping through the night - this stage of extreme sleeplessness is usually only short term. So hopefully your life should get easier.

Tell him you might as well be a single parent.

Did he plan this child with you?

It sounds like he doesn’t want to be a dad to her and just isn’t that into you.

Was he affectionate before?

Re: reflux, it is hell! Get baby gaviscon from the gp and ask the hv for baby groups in your area.

Get out and make mummy friends.