To think DD12 should want to spend time with her friends

[Dinnerisburnt]

2 DD’s aged 12 & 11. Youngest has lots of hobbies and is out more than she is in. Eldest does fuck all if she can help it. Never wants to go to friends houses, turns down most invites to leave the house. Her ideal day on a Saturday is sitting in a chair with her iPad, eating and following me around. As much as though I love spending time with her, I wish she would accept an offer from a friend to go shopping, hang out at the park, or do something independently. Since starting secondary school in September she has made no new friends that she wants to see out of school, she has stuck to hanging out with her primary friends at school, she claims she has lots of new friends. She has not left the house ever on her own. We live in a fairly remote neighbourhood with no children within walking distance her own age. I offer to drive her to meet up with people she knows, but she would rather stay with me. I feel suffocated by her. Anyone else in the same boat or is this normal?

You feel suffocated? Why?

I was like that when I was that age. I didn't get on with other people my age much - they were mostly a bit dull and didn't share my interests and I felt weird compared to them, especially in groups. I was much happier at home reading on my own. I gradually made friends who I liked to spend time with one on one, but I never really got into being particularly sociable.

This could have been me at a similar age. I had a fair few close friends in secondary school but I rarely saw any of them outside school. I largely preferred my own company (still do) and never initiated any activity involving others. Honestly, having friends was something I could take or leave - I usually left !

She’s an introvert. Leave her alone! I used to hate it when extroverts would try to get me to socialise.

Why suffocated?
She is just chilling out at home, it is fine. Why does she need to go out?
My 12 year old is knackered from school and sports, the last thing she wants to do is see her school friends after spending all day with them.
I feel privileged she wants to spend time with me. Unless you feel she is depressed or unwell I would be pleased she is not hanging around on street corners

Is she happy pottering about at home?

I found it manageable to be sociable ish through a school week, but being introverted, found it tiring, so I loved being quiet at the weekend. She sounds like she needs the alone time to recharge. It's a big strain for introverts to be at school (especially moving from primary to secondary) all week - there are hundreds and hundreds of people around every second of the day and you're constantly moving from class to class with a new set of people... it's exhausting!

DD is 15 and hates socialising outside of school hours. Like a pp, she doesn't really like kids her own age (she has a friend in her 20s that she gels with much better) and gets worn out with too much inane chit-chat. I'm pleased she.still likes spending time with her mum!!

She has what, 25+ hours a week spent in school with her friends and hundreds of other young people, if her happy time is chilling at home then leave her too it! If she's not unhappy and isn't having friendship issues then leave her to enjoy her own company. Some people are just naturally introverted and if that's the case then school is a very draining environment for her and the weekends is where she gets to have a break and relax. We all relax and enjoy our downtime in different ways, just because teenagers are expected to spend every waking moment with friends it doesn't mean that's what they all enjoy

She is an introvert and I am an extrovert. It’s not a massive deal, I guess I am trying to understand why she is happier at home on her own. At least I know where she is. And I do leave her alone, apart from badgering her to get shoes on when I need or want to go out.

I guess I am trying to understand why she is happier at home on her own

I made a thread on here, trying to figure out why extroverts love friends. I couldn’t, because to me it makes no sense.

Personally I find friends exhausting, boring, and a lot of effort for little reward. I’d rather stay in with a movie. HTH.

I'm not sure why you are badgering her to get her shoes on when you want/need to go out. Surely at 12 you can just leave her at home for a couple of hours.

My dd is a bit like this. She's quite loud and very chatty and confident but likes her space. She has lots of friends and offers to do stuff but often says no or makes an excuse. I've had to push her to go out tonight with her friends and she rang me to pick her up early. She just likes her own company and can only seem to tolerate big groups for short times. When she was younger and her friends would call for her to play out she would mutter at me to say no or make an excuse that we were going out. Now she's older she seems to engineer situations so she can get away early. Her friends were chatting that they are 16 next year and can go on holiday together without their parents. Her response was 'I don't think so. I'm coming with you mum.' I don't worry about it any more. I quite like that she's doesn't follow the crowd but still has lots of friendships when she needs them.

Thanks Valentina, that’s very helpful.

Helpful, our house is quite isolated, she doesn’t like to stay at home on her own.

Justgivemesomepeace, your DD sounds just like my DD. She’s already said she doesn’t want to go to university as she will have to leave home.