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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD in primary, is it always so miserable?

24 replies

AtSea1979 · 16/03/2018 19:23

DD is in year 4 and regularly comes home upsetting because of something other girls have said to her or excluded her. Other mums just sigh and say yes girls are so dramatic at this age etc.
Should I accept this or ask the teacher to intervene? I’m even considering moving schools but if all girls are like this at that age and DD is being dramatic about it then it’s a huge upheaval for nothing.

OP posts:

MakeTeaNotWar · 16/03/2018 19:26

Watching with much interest as we are experiencing the same with DD Y3

Alexkate2468 · 16/03/2018 19:27

Ask for it to be monitored. At the end of the day, if she's upset then something needs to be done. I agree that girls this age can be a nightmare but that doesn't mean they should get away with it. Perfect opportunity to talk about being a good friend and how to treat others and deal with conflict.

Also, I've known since shocking year 4 girls. They can be horrible.

DiscoveryFlannel · 16/03/2018 19:28

Does she say anything positive about her friends at school ever? Does she have a 'special' friend? Does she get invited to birthday parties or other activities? Are you friends with some of the other mums?

Sorry lots of questions. But moving school seems a bit extreme unless she had a hugely miserable time of it. How is her learning going?

If the school is good and she has friends either at school or outside of school it should be fines as long as she is doing well at school.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 16/03/2018 19:30

I have both a DD in year 3 and years of experience as a primary teacher. I can definitely confirm that it's something that happens at this age. It's not easy for anyone and, while it wouldn't hurt to talk to her teacher about it, it is inevitable and it will (hopefully) pass.

From a brain development point of view they've just finished working out who they are and now they've got to start working out where they fit in with everyone around them. Which can be tricky.

blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 19:31

My dd also having a horrible time in yr4 - often feels excluded by the girls.

Coulddowithanap · 16/03/2018 19:31

I would speak to the teacher.

DD had a difficult start to year 6 due to some of the girls being mean and excluding her. I told her that her teacher needs to know and she chose to speak to her. I had planned on speaking to her teacher myself but didn't need to as they managed to sort it all out.

strongandlong · 16/03/2018 19:32

In my experience (2 dds, now y4 and y7) this isn’t normal. My 2 have had occasional clashes with friends, but nothing long running. I think it’s worth speaking to the school. Certainly try that before moving schools.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 16/03/2018 19:33

for my trio the worse was when they were 11 years old.
8 year olds generally are aware of a certain pecking order but are not full on nasty.
i'd speak to the head and consider a few different things.

PorkFlute · 16/03/2018 19:35

I would just try and teach your dd the skills to cope. I always told my dd that if her friends were being unkind she should go and find someone else to play with and if they follow her tell a teacher and if certain children are usually/always unkind then keep out of their way. She rarely has problems now as other children see that dd gives them no reaction or they get into trouble.
Teach your dd to be friendly with everyone so she’s not tied to one particular group that might exclude her.
All schools how have mean kids in them so I doubt moving schools would help.

gussyfinknottle · 16/03/2018 19:36

Speak to the teacher. Yes there are ups and downs. Yes they can be "dramatic ". But it's hurting and I think you need to ask the teacher about it.
Poor thing and poor you.
My dd (in Y4) was unceremoniously "dropped" by her best friend. It really stung her and shocked her. Dd has a new circle of friends and has learned some tough lessons.

Deshasafraisy · 16/03/2018 19:39

At this age they tend to focus heavily on the girls that are causing them anguish. When my daughter was going through this at this age, I asked her to write two lists. One list of the girls that are upsetting her and one of all the kids that were with nice to her or just ok. She saw that the nice list was a lot longer and it put it into perspective for her. Small problems really seem huge at this age.

spanieleyes · 16/03/2018 19:41

Year 4 girls can be a nightmare!

Showergel1 · 16/03/2018 19:43

Definitely talk to the teacher. The best thing a parent could do for me as a teacher is to give me the heads up that your dd needs to talk to me about something and then make sure your dd talks to the teacher at break or at a quiet moment. I tend to brush these things off if children bring it up during lesson time and I'll be brutally honest sometimes I forget things parents tell me at the beginning of the day. Coming directly from the child I will remember.

AdBluSucks · 16/03/2018 19:43

Y4? That's about 8/9 years old?
I'd ask the teacher to monitor it.

Shouldn't it all be flowers and unicorns at that age? (Don't shoot me, I have 3 boys under 5!)

helpmum2003 · 16/03/2018 19:44

There's lots of good advice here. You need to get specific information about who/what is involved.

Teaching resilience is important but it's also important that if it's actually bullying that it's dealt with. We moved dc at end of Y4 due to bullying which had gone on for 15 months and school did not address it adequately. Life was so much happier at new school I wish we'd done it sooner....

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2018 19:48

Yes and No. I would say a certain amount of histronics and dramatics can occur but not a sustained exclusion or nastiness against

Dergadgeghead · 16/03/2018 19:53

Really this does just seem to be normal development especially if it comes and goes a bit.

In year 4 when I was at school there was a girl in our circle of friends who was also in another circle and we were often mean to her so she would go off to the other group and then we laughed at her.

In retrospect I've no idea why we did it but maybe we thought she was fair game because she had the other group. We did like her really! And we never picked on girls who had some problem like one girl kept back a year and that sort of thing but of course girls were always falling out and being upset and making up again.

So to me it would be a sign of something more if it's consistently picking on the same person or someone with a problem they can't help.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/03/2018 19:54

Y6 has been when all the dramas occur in my experience. They go a little demob happy.

billybagpuss · 16/03/2018 19:55

This thread is making me quite sad, Year 6 is always tricky as they are often uncertain as to where they are going next and it can get very bitchy and horrid, but year 4? Definitely have a chat with the teacher as it seems very young to be dealing with this kind of crap, you'll have enough of it at secondary school. However I would also keep in mind that they do tend to concentrate and remember the negative so I did often ask DDs to tell me the good things that have happened.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/03/2018 19:58

I only have a ds(14) and at that age he said the boys just get on with playing football etc, but most girls stopped playing (running around) at school and just stood about, talked, whispered and fell out with each other all the time. It annoyed him as they were always trying to drag the boys into it and taking sides ruining good football time. Sorry to say this appears to have continued through to 14 (and ds still just plays football).

Bowerbird5 · 16/03/2018 20:01

They fall in and out within ten minutes. It drives me mad. Often depends on the mix in the class. Usually one or two drama queens. You spend a lot of time sorting out squabbles. Last years girls were lovely and rarely fell out but the boys were constantly arguing.
I would speak to the teacher to make sure she is aware, mshe probably is but it would highlight that your DD is upset/is thinking about it at home. That way the teacher will keep an eye on her a bit more.

cannotchange · 16/03/2018 20:04

There seems to be a general expectation that this is behaviour is ok from y3/4 girls- I think it happens but the class teacher should be aware of it and be responsible for dealing with it.

My daughter was bullied in y3, teacher did not deal with it and I thought this was it until they left school !

Subsequent teachers in yr4 & 5 dealt with any of this immediately and stamped it out and DD is so much happier than she was in y3.

So do not take this lying down, go to your daughter 's teacher armed with examples and politely (but firmly) ask for them to deal with it.

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 16/03/2018 21:47

Thanks, I have parents evening next week so I can get a general feel for the teachers opinion and whether they are aware of it.
DD never gets invited to parties despite her having one every year. There’s other issues like every one in her class getting a pen license except her etc that makes her feel worse.

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/03/2018 21:58

The pen licence things is something to talk to the teacher about at parents eve.

Let the teacher know how your DD feels re friendships. If it persists with the same group of girls then they may have a friendship/nurture group in school to help the girls learn skills to overcome their problems and be able to discuss any future disagreements.

Girls this age do argue and fall in/out with each other on a regular basis, as a way of finding where they "fit" - it's like a power play for acceptance in a group and popularity. However girls don't all mature at the same same rate so this can cause conflict. I hear an awful lot of "So and so's being mean to me" on a daily basis!

I do think this has all started at a younger age due to social media and reality stars, who seem to be the idols of a lot of young girls these days (sadly).

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