To feel like my three year old hates me and is struggling

[CristinaYang]

I've had a bad day today and I don't know what to do.

My eldest daughter turned three last month. She goes to nursery three days per week. She was recently moved to the preschool room. She seems to love it but her behaviour has really nosedived since she moved in there.

They are given a lot more independence in this room. In fact sometimes I feel perhaps a bit too much. The women working in the room seem a lot more "hands-off" than in her previous room and yeah, that's to be expected I suppose. But DD is the youngest in there. She's clever and bright but I think socially she is quite young compared to some of the others in that room. For example while she is learning to write her name (off her own steam), she has only in the last couple of weeks come out of nappies (but she takes herself to the toilet. The nursery ladies don't take them to the toilet unless they ask to go for a poo. Which DD won't do, she's self conscious about it. I have an issue with this but I don't know what to do about it and accept that this might be the norm. I dunno)

Anyway. I digress. She's awful to me. Awful. She shouts and bawls and tantrums and hits out. I picked her up from nursery tonight and she as given a cake that they'd made earlier in the day. I took it and put it in her bag and told her she could have it after her tea. This triggered the biggest meltdown I have ever experienced her having. She was really screaming at me, hit me so hard I thought she had broken my nose (but I had to smile through it because staff and other parents around). She sobbed all the way home about how she wanted to go back to nursery to play with her friends.

This is the worst example to date but there are plenty others. She gives zero fucks about punishment and she is so strong willed that I don't know what on earth to do with her. I feel like I am failing her and that she's struggling and I don't know how to help her.

I wish I had some answers for you op but I'm watching this with interest.
I also have a 3 year dd. I have been struggling with her behaviour over the past few weeks. The screaming and tantruming for seeming minor annoyances ..for example today she had a complete melt down because the pocket in her jeans isn't a real pocket!
She's my youngest and my older children weren't like this so I feel completely thrown!
How long has your dd been in her new class?

Hi Athena. I'm sorry you're struggling with it too. I feel awful. I feel like I'm just doing nothing for her right now.

She moved into her new room in January. She was fine at first but there has been a steady decline. They are all obsessed with this idea of "best friends" and DD doesn't really understand the concept because she's too young (and I don't encourage it - I keep telling her it she better to be friends with everyone)

My heart goes out to your dd. Perhaps she's just not adjusted well to the change.
My dd wouldn't understand the concept of best friends either at her age.
Have you spoken to the nursery leaders..maybe they would have some insight.
I feel like I'm just winging it every day and hoping it's a phase.

She's only 3 and doesn't understand why you won't let her have the cake she made - to her she just thinks you are being mean.

God it's horrible, I know but I honestly think it's quite normal and you seem like you are responding in the right way so well done. It gets better when they get older and you can negotiate! X

It sounds like she is going through a lot just now OP. She is the youngest, she has just moved up to preschool and it's probably very overwhelming for her.

Maybe it is possible that she tries hard to be good at preschool that by the time she is ready to go home, she knows you and trusts you and feels she can let go.

Obviously none of this makes it okay that she hits you. Tantruming isn't particularly pleasant but goes hand in hand with a lot of early years children.

She most certainly doesn't hate you, I do believe that when children act like this, it's usually that they do trust you and know you will love them regardless of melt downs.

The tantruming, I would do your very best to totally ignore it. No trying to stop it, bribing or anything, don't acknowledge it at all.

The hitting I would give a firm and low toned No, it's not okay to hit and time her out in her room or step or whatever you feel comfortable with, once you get home. You may find that she falls asleep as it could be that she is overtired. She is only little.

Another approach would be to try to talk to her, tell her you understand that she loves her nursery and that she feels sad she has to go home when she is having so much fun, but the staff need to home too and she will get to go back really soon. Sometimes I have found an age appropriate explanation can help and acknowledging how they are feeling.

I know all of this is so much easier said than done and as she gets used to the preschool it will probably taper off as it started.

Don't doubt though, that you are her world.

www.bellybelly.com.au/toddler/7-times-your-toddlers-naughty-behaviour-is-normal/ I thought this was intereasting read x just remember your a good mum because you care and that your child doesn't actually hate you.

She doesn't hate you. She is probably tired, possibly hungry, and has used up her store of self-control behaving at nursery.

While I would have obviously told her not to hit, I would try to minimise reacting to the rest. I would also try to make sure she has plenty of early nights and time to chill out outside nursery, and bring a healthy snack when you pick her up.

Totally agree with you about focusing on being friends with everyone rather than focusing on a best friend.

I would take no notice of the tantrum over the cake. At 3 she understands 'you can have it after your tea' she's just pushing boundaries. When mine does this I detach myself emotionally, speak kindly but firmly, no negotiating or trying to pacify her. At home I withdraw attention (let her scream on the floor) until she's calm or asks for a cuddle. In public I pick her up (holding her away from my face or she hits) and carry her (kicking and screaming) to the car. I sort of carry her on my hip but diagonally across my body so she can't attack my face or escape. Being held in this tight grip sometimes stops the tantrum after a few minutes, otherwise music in the car helps.

All I can add is that most of my friends say 3 is the hardest age (admittedly their kids aren't teens yet!!), OP. She's figuring out a lot of stuff.

And she doesn't hate you. She loves you. That's why she lashes out at you to take out her frustration about everything else that's changing in her little life - because she can, because she knows you're always there.

This article may help op. www.ahaparenting.com/blog/When_Your_Toddler_Hits_You

3 year olds don't know how to hate their mums!

The cake is just a normal tantrum imo, that stuff still happens a lot at 3! It sounds like she's struggling to adjust in the pre school. Can you have a word with her teacher?

First off, 3 year olds don't hate. They don't have the capacity for that kind of thing. They do, on the other hand, verbalize and express themselves physically.
They are at a scarey crossroads, where they can finally use words to express their angst in the moment (not hate, angst) combined with not having had time to develop any sort of self control or verbal filter.
They say some of the most shocking things, because they can finally talk, but haven't been doing long enough to learn to temper what they say.
At the same time, they are just 3, so they have no consistency yet with their new skills. One day, they can verbalize there discontent, the next, they are reduced to pooping on your new shoes.

They are just little. Don't hold them up to things like hate. It's not in them.
Please, be kind to yourself. You are clearly trying your best, and that's what matters.

3 has definitely been the worst age for all three of mine.
This sounds fairly standard. Sorry I don't have anything actually helpful to offer OP, but you are not alone and definitely not a bad mother.

This sounds completely normal. DD was just like this. I remember one particular low point was when DH and I spent almost a whole week on holiday miserably arguing about how we could get her to bed and talking her down from various tantrums. Eventually a sensible person pointed out she was probably just really tired and we started putting her to bed as early as we could, which did help a bit.

She was a real hitter and shin kicker too when she was tired and had lost control. We actually thought about getting shin pads for bed time at one stage.

Anyway, I am posting to say that she is now 5 and is a much more reasonable human being and it's been ages since she's kicked me in the shins at bed time. So hang in there OP!

My DS was like this and the best friend thing. Drove me nuts. It's a phase. Way worse than 2's ....

They grow out of it ...

Now at 4.5 we are on to "blah blah, all you say Mummy is blah blah"

Sigh .... another phase

They are arseholes at 3

Thank you all for the replies. I have read through them all more that once and have taken them all on board. For various reasons yesterday was not a good day and the nursery fiasco was the straw that broke the camels back. I really felt at the end of my rope.

Today was a little better. DH picked her up today and she had a tantrum when they got home but that’s easier to deal with. He said she got over it pretty quickly. I lay beside her on her bed tonight to read her stories and she said “I love you Mummy” and I nearly cried. Know that feeling when you really need to hear something..?

I still maintain the nursery should not be handing them cakes on their way out of the door at teatime though 😬😬 that’s only ever going to cause trouble!!

She’s going through a period of big change and no doubt being physically, educationally, socially and emotionally challenged in her new environment/class. All of her self-control will be used up dealing with the day so when she see’s her safety net (Mum/dad) she feels safe to lose it and let it out.

It will eventually abate as she settles in to her new routine (may take a while for all aspects to settle). Then look forward to a repeat when school begins. My most well adjusted child turned into absolute devil spawn for first 4/6 mths of school. Made daycare transitions look like a doddle.

Repeating what a pp said. Three is a really hard age. It's a good job that they are cute or they'd be out the window.

I could have wrote a similar post a hundred times, I do not want to JINX myself but the past few weeks DS2 3.5yrs has relaxed lots. I've had to change my tone with him, speak to him when he calmed about nis smacking and tempers. Usually when we played a game.

I cried and had no answers, he is a very strong willed character, I still have a take a deep breath and choose my battles, he is my third the others were calm and pleasant never smacked and raised the same, but all in all its a phase hopefully a small one, even little people get stressed.

It's also possible as she's younger than her peers she has to fight for her rights in the day. If it is only lately I would move her to a different nursery.

The hitting thing I can't tolerate.

My DS (also 3) did this to me a couple of weeks ago and was stunned when I took him right up to his room and put him into bed. He screamed and screamed but knew he was not to step foot out the bed. Eventually he fell asleep but when he woke we had a basic discussion on hitting and punching etc.

A few things.

1. I hear you. People warned me about the terrible twos, but the terrible threes and effing fours were a shock (two actually wasn’t too bad - maybe 3 & 4 were karma for me feeling a bit smug...!) 2)Nobody listened to me at the time - “oh she’s fine”, “oh they’re just kids”, “oh it’s normal”
2. I even went to parenting classes because I thought I was so bad at this! (I had worked in childcare and education for almost my whole career before having s family).
3. Dd is now being assessed for Autism at 7.5yrs old.
4. It’s a bloody relief (after the shock) that people are starting to see my lovely beautiful girl and all her positive qualities, separate from these challenging behaviours.
5. Sometimes it all has to publicly fall apart before anyone helps you.
6. Sometimes a small cake before tea is ok. Of course, once you say no must follow through, but you have the option to say, “how lovely, another cake. Today, why not eat that as we walk to save crumbs in the car - it looks delicious!”

I feel exactly what you're saying. My DM said the other day that I'm DD's rock and I'm her stable person to come back to and that's why she feels she can go off on one. No idea if that's total bullshit but it made me feel better so I hope it helps you too

Not bulshit at all Neverender. It’s hard being ‘good’ all day at nursery. Where love and acceptance is conditional. Home and mum are consistent and a safe place to let out all those difficult emotions and the behaviours that go with them. It’s hard to feel good about it in the moment though!

My daughter is 3.5 too and she does 3 x 5 hour days at pre school a week - ALWAYS in a foul mood when leaving, ALWAYS comes out with either a cake, biscuit they’ve made, sweets from someone’s birthday... you’re like, cheers for that! Tantrums ahead

My daughter also has started the if I tell her off, I don’t even shout as such, try to use the ‘super nanny’ techniques she’ll say back to me ‘mummy if you say that again I will put you in the naughty corner!!’ Drives me to boiling point but then come the evening I laugh about it with my husband..

They are so small and their minds are so naive still like others have said they don’t know what hate means. They take it all out on us as we’re always there. We get the flack but they also probably love us more than anyone. In the moment it’s so hard to think that - I’ve had a day like that today!!! Xxx