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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you would deal with a stealing child?

23 replies

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 14:33

My dc7 has a history of taking things... in shops, from dads wallet, other dc birthday candy... anything that isn’t nailed down.
It had stopped for a few weeks, but then last night money was stolen again.

Normally we have to go around in circles to get to the truth but dc was half asleep at the time of discovery, and fessed up and gave it back to go to bed.

When we tell dc off and put punishments in place it’s usually responded to with “oh well I didn’t like my iPad anyway” or “I don’t care I don’t want to go to club”

How would you deal with it? I am at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 15/03/2018 14:35

Find a sanction he will respond to. There must be something he would miss.

nuttyknitter · 15/03/2018 14:38

Have you talked to him about why he takes things? It can sometimes be an attention seeking response to an underlying anxiety.

Original poster

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 14:39

That is the thing, dc really is fearless and basically doesn’t give a shit. Extremely strong willed

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/03/2018 14:42

When we tell dc off and put punishments in place it’s usually responded to with “oh well I didn’t like my iPad anyway” or “I don’t care I don’t want to go to club” That's merely bravado, it doesn't mean to say DC isn't feeling the pain.

Original poster

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 14:49

I thought that for a while too Mere, but it just gets shrugged off, doesn’t mention it again and doesn’t even moan to siblings about punishments.

I’m fed up of saying no tv, no iPad, no sweets or no clubs. By the end of the week dc has no privileges and doesn’t give a rats ass about it.

Each episode dc receives a “lecture”/chat of approx 10 mins about not doing it, why, offers of treats for good behaviour etc. In one ear out the other.

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 15/03/2018 14:49

I would try to make the punishment fit what he’s taken - if sweets, it’s no sweets for a fortnight/month (depending on how often you and the others have them). Money - no spends (including on him by you) for a month. On top of standard sanctions (no iPad or WiFi or friends round or whatever).

I usually wouldn’t go so comprehensive but this is one that you need to stop now.

Lethaldrizzle · 15/03/2018 14:50

Steal something of theirs!

RuthsRandomRadish · 15/03/2018 14:51

Any attachment issues?

Original poster

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 14:52

We do ban things for either a week or month, because we are at the point where we feel it needs stepping up and to be taken seriously.
So I am already doing that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 14:52

Attachment issues?

OP posts:

GoldenHefalump · 15/03/2018 14:53

By the end of the week dc has no privileges and doesn’t give a rats ass about it

But then you're giving them back obviously.

Call him out. If he doesn't give a rats ass, keep the privileges gone.

SweetMoon · 15/03/2018 14:54

Do you follow through though with the no tv, no ipad, no club etc? And for how long are they removed for? I would increase time taken away each time something is stolen.

At some point it will sink in.

Hairyfairy01 · 15/03/2018 14:55

What do you do when he steals from shops?

IAmWonkoTheSane · 15/03/2018 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kidssendingmenuts · 15/03/2018 14:57

Know any police officers that can come and have a word? Or maybe a visit round some cells? I know it sounds harsh but sometimes extreme measures may be needed if he continues etc then this is where he will end up.

scurryfunge · 15/03/2018 14:59

No police station will allow visits to cells by 7 year olds.

Original poster

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 15:01

Shops it has happened twice, frogmarched back there and sent dc to customer services with the choc bar to apologise and money.

If the punishment has been for no iPad for a week then it is a full week, same if it is a month. I always stick to my word.

OP posts:

Kidssendingmenuts · 15/03/2018 15:04

@scurryfunge we went in brownies, freaked me out no end! Why they took us there I'll never know 😂😂

ZoeWashburne · 15/03/2018 15:09

Do you make him return the things he stole? I would march him back to the shop and make him give back what he stole to the manager. I also think you need to make him work off things he stole. It’s not enough to just give it back- he should have to earn enough money to pay the person back a punitive damage ie- 2 30 minute cleaning tasks.

Habitual stealing isn’t normal. Have you spoken to his GP? Might be worth investing a child psychologist.

Jesterstolehisthornycrown1 · 15/03/2018 15:16

Would you consider asking the police to talk them him about stealing. Worked wonders on my DS.

Original poster

Backscratchesforever · 15/03/2018 15:16

I have made a good behaviour chart today, hoping that flipping it as suggested may help. However, I wanted opinions because I am struggling now with knowing if I am doing the right thing, because it feels like all I do his stop anything good in dcs life, and then what excuse is there because I have taken everything. Dcs day is literally wake eat School read eat sleep over and over with nothing fun in between.

I am disabled, mobility is very poor. When this happened two years ago I had a breakdown and I was very ill. But I have been in a very good place for some time now and we have done a lot together I have been actively “making up” for my illnesses where I can.

Bio Dad isn’t in the picture (dv) since dc was 1. No relationship at all there but dc sees stepdad as Dad and he has been in dc life since dc turned 2. I’ve offered to chat about bio Dad if dc wants this, it is always turned down. Dc have had counselling although dc doesn’t remember bio Dad, this I asked for during court proceedings and it was granted. It was twice weekly for months and nothing of a worrying nature came from ds7.

OP posts:

londonmummy1966 · 15/03/2018 15:42

I think it is important to get to the bottom of the reason for the stealing. I was about his age when I started - mainly from my parents - I needed the money to buy sweets to bribe the kids who were bullying me.

It might well be that there is a reason like that, or (highly unlikely given he has an ipad) that he feels he has less that the other children at school and steals things to maintain "face"?

I think it is worth mentioning it to the school as well - they may be able to provide support/arrange a trip or visit from a community police officer and get them to raise the issue of stealing in passing.

Quite right of you to march him back into the shop when he has stolen from them.

One approach that might work is to put money in a jar and tell him that it is his "treat" money for next week - then every time there is a problem you take money out - the opposite to a star chart. It works better that way for some children.

Jayne35 · 15/03/2018 15:48

Not sure what to suggest OP my DS was similar from about that age, then behavioural issues at primary school resulted in counselling, anger management etc. None helped. DS first arrested at 13 and has been in trouble for one thing or another ever since, he also doesn't care about things being taken away/broken, or anything actually

I feel for you, I really do. Hoping it's just a phase in your DC case.

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