To think that super successful people...

[PonderingSpondering]

I’m aware that I’ll probably be flamed - if not banned for this thread. But I promise I’m not being goady. 100% genuine in being simply interested to know what the general consensus is here.

When you look at the offspring of super successful people, and by that I mean the likes of of Ghandi; Picasso; fuck, even Aaron Spelling for example — there is a familiar theme of their children just not being able to live up to the legend of their parent that I find deeply sad.

I work in an industry that has introduced me to some very famous people whose offspring have struggled their whole lives to, both establish their own identity and, shake off the monkey of their celebrated parent(s) reputation and public expectation.

Also, often, the children are shunted off to boarding school/full time nanny/full time help in order to not “get in the way” of the famous parent’s career.

AIBU to wonder why these people choose to have children in the first place if they are setting them up for a life of, yes, financially security but riddled with barriers and little time together from the beginning?

OP This sounds like it’s about your relationship with your father. And your mother.

If you would like help, what is it you are looking for?

Please don’t drip feed about who your famous father is. It doesn’t matter.

Of course people are focusing on the financial aspect, 80% of the world's population live in poverty. This is a far bigger factor in child rearing.

You're projecting your own childhood experiences massively too.

Stella McCartney seems to be doing alright, for example, and I'd say she's had one of THE most famous parents.

William and Harry also.

And these are people who lost their parents tragically and publicly too.

Of course some successful people are dicks, many unsuccessful people are dicks too. I'd see being a dick is far more of a factor in a child's upbringing.

Oh, and FWIW I'm the Head Nanny for someone extremely successful and famous, so have first hand experience.

(Who is not a dick, I should stress)

I doubt many members of the public think about how successful a child of a famous persons spouse is. Success at that level is rare and normally a mix of hard work, luck and being in the right place and therefore it isn't assumed it will be duplicated. TBH OP, you sound a bit self pitying when in fact you are in a charmed position. You don't need to worry about £ so do what you like. Stop worrying about what other people are thinking for starters. You probably won't be as successful as your father/mother in money terms but you will be more successful in another area of your life. No one is good at everything remember.

Having very successful parents puts huge pressure on kids, of course, especially if they work in the same field as their parents.

Also, nice as it is to have money from parents, that is an additional pressure. Whatever job you get has to be intrinsically valuable, so there is pressure to do great art, or to save the world. It might be hard to feel good about doing a fairly mundane job, if you can't have the excuse of needing to make a living.

Don’t let your parents expectations drive your choices in a life partner. And I would say that to anyone.

And why do you think the public would care?

On the contrary. Their progeny enjoy the rewards and privilege their parents' wealth brings them and so many children of 'successful' parents make quite a living due to nepotism.

My DH is successful in his field, although not in the least famous, he is financially sound. This however has made his DC very dependent, not to say entitled

I agree expat. For me there are different types of being 'top of their field' or uber successful. Take acting - tbh I don't actually think it's that difficult. some actors are exceptional but many could be replaced quite easily. Why would we expect the children of a famous actor to be exceptional also? The children of the rich and famous have an option to be anonymous and make it on their own. I'm sure some do however many just live off their parents fame - Beckams, Ramsey and Oliver kids fit the bill here.

Quite often if I'm reading a mag and see a new exciting actor/actress I'll scan down to see who the parents are - 9 times out of 10 it's someone famous.

As regards business success this is so down to an individual's drive/intelligence/luck that replicating it would be quite difficult. The children of these people can use their parents wealth to start their own business and become famous. A good example is the guy who started Go Pro.

So there is an option to 'opt out' change your name and live your own life. Why would you care what other people think?

I can imagine there are quite a few issues that would leave you with. Boarding school at 6 sounds very tough, and I wonder what your attachment to your early childhood care givers is/was like. Your parent had been hogging the limelight your whole life - I often think that our kids basically need us to fade into the background of their lives as they get older, allow them the feeling of mastery over their lives, and your parent's fame probably made that impossible. I wonder also if your family holds dear the idea that self-worship comes from success, which makes it harder for you to define yourself in different terms. And then as you say, you still have the live issue of public attention on your life.
Have you ever seen a therapist? I think you would get better insight than you will on a Mumsnet forum tbh. People are always going to read it as "my diamond shoes are too tight" but for my money, an emotionally neglectful childhood is hard to overcome whatever your background, the money makes very little difference.

YABU.

There are certain unique challenges faced by children whose parents are super famous in terms of invasion of privacy.

Look at JK Rowling, for example. She had a child before she got famous. Some people would have said she shouldn’t have had that child because she couldn’t financially support her, and she was on benefits for ages. Then she got super rich and famous, and had more children with someone else.

I think she had to take someone to court to protect her and her children’s privacy, so that must suck. But I imagine she’s a great parent otherwise.

Likewise, it can’t be easy being Prince George or Princess Charlotte. But then it’s also not easy being the child of a disabled parent, or a parent who has lost their job, or a parent suffering from mental health issues.

All families have their own struggles. Love is what counts in the end.

Is there a book called 'Affluenza' which deals with the problems of being a child of affluent people?

It's your life, though. You have to ask yourself why you've chosen the field you're in, how much your parents did or didn't influence that choice and how happy you are in accepting financial rewards from their success.

I suppose it's about deciding if the positives are worth it for children of famous/successful parents if they benefit in some way from that success either financially or via an 'in' to a certain industry.

It's hard from the other side of the coin - say wanting to enter publishing with zero contacts. There isn't the pressure of expectation, but getting a foot in the door is incredibly difficult for many people.

I happen to be very close to someone who managed to get published via the traditional 'slush pile' with a very well-known publisher, from zero contacts or experience. This person worked their ass off and as a growing author is now in direct competition with other people who have way more exposure due to famous friends/relatives. She accepts this as par the course because of her circumstances.

How she would feel about the other people who had the money to train in their chosen field, and also the correct contacts to make the 'in' a lot easier then moaning that it's not fair because they have to live up to expectations I don't know. It's basically what flavour of 'shit sandwich' you're prepared to accept.

If a person hates the pressure of famous parents and obligations related to money enough so that the pain of that isn't worth the reward, they can choose another field to build a career and to not take the financial incentive.

I'm not going to talk about how one person is lucky to get the leg up compared to another person who had to push through based on nothing but tenacity and talent. Both have difficult aspects to them. Just comes down to what challenge is acceptable and what isn't on your way to the career you want.

TL:DR - However you get started in a career or vocation there's always a challenge. Figure out if the benefits of the path you've chosen are worth the challenge.

@toomuchtooold

Thank you for your kind response. I think you are right about MN not being the right place to ask this question for a measured debate.

FWIW to those to have completely missed the point, I’m fully aware that I am in a privileged position financially. However, there are many more issues in the world than money problems and just because you might think it’s a first world problem, it doesn’t stop them from being very real.

I have been in and out of psychiatric wards for most of my life from the deep sense of despair I have felt because of a lack of nurture and love from my parents. And I am not alone in feeling that. Many of my peers, who also have very successful parents, will be familiar with that feeling of being regarded as an accessory to be paraded in public as opposed to being given a proper childhood. Despite what the papers portray.

So please give that a thought before you let your envy of people with money cloud your better nature.

Sorry for what you've been through op. I think its ironic that when someone has 'made it' - the first thing they do is send their kids off to 'posh' schools, thereby immediately disconnecting their kids from the same background and education that in part propelled them to success. If it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for their kids? I always think paul McCartney got it right. His kids have done well (comparatively) - but that may be partly because he sent them to state school.

OP "Many of my peers, who also have very successful parents, will be familiar with that feeling of being regarded as an accessory to be paraded in public as opposed to being given a proper childhood."

yes. but that happened to me, albeit on a lower level.

I suppose what I feel is that ultimately anyone deciding to have a child is making a selfish choice. There will be people in all income brackets and with all different types of parenting styles who do all sorts of things. I wouldn't have minded at all spending less time with my dad because all he did was pressure me anyway. Then I had my mum desperately anxious about what would happen to me.

I have depression and anxiety but I think that's hereditary, I don't think it links to my upbringing.

my sister has a completely different take on the whole thing.

Anyway, basically I'm not sure who would be able to parent if the criteria included spending a lot of time with your kids, and there's no guarantee the child will benefit. I actually asked to go to boarding school because I felt tired of being watched (I would have needed a scholarship though and in the end I didn't pursue it because imagine failing at that as well!)

looking back, mum wishes she had worked because - controversial statement alert - what thanks did she get for the times we didn't notice who the caregiver was? She didn't enjoy being a SAHM either.

it was only when I was at secondary and she did return to work that we started seeing her in a real way, I think because her personality came out more.

but yes - in the original way - I'm not sure who would be allowed to have children. I'm not saying boarding school at six is ideal by any stretch. I'm just saying there's probably thousands of people who wouldn't meet a set of "standards" if that's what parenting is about.

my dad has actually told me that he had children because he wanted them to be more successful. I strongly suspect he'd have found a way to hate us if we were more successful but he argues that's why he had them.

also some people are working very hard, very long hours, but not for a high salary and they don't get fame and fortune, but would you feel they should not have children if they are very committed to that? Or would you feel people in the army should never have children?

I'm only saying this because your situation is actually comparable to many others in some ways.

re your comment about money, that wasn't a dig. It's just an observation. I don't have the money but I didn't exactly have a fab upbringing either. But with all the usual money worries of general life, would I swap having "better" parents for having no money worries? Yes. Absolutely. Who was it who said "Money is the sixth sense - you can't make use of the others without it".

or as my best mate said (in response to a question from my dad about power and ambition) "we work because we don't want to end up living on the street".

he's never even thought that he might wind up on the street. but he came from money. In theory so I do, but in practice I doubt I'll ever see it - I think dad will outlive me easily. He is that type - made of steel, able to power through anything that stands in his way, will live to 103 complaining about bad table service.

I sometimes I think I should just sit in my wee flat and drink myself to death.

Now I think I should NC

sorry that was so long!! didn't realise till I hit post!

I have seen it happen quite a lot OP so IMO YANBU. This is just enectodally but I know of a lot of children - friends of friends - of some of the richest and most famous families in the world. Business and inherited rather than film/music. All the kids seem to be quite mediocre at best and at worst have serious mental health issues. It must be really hard having ambition taken away from you with nothing to strive for financially yet also to be compared to rich and successful family members all the time.

Freetodowhatiwant

"It must be really hard having ambition taken away from you with nothing to strive for financially"

this is surely a comment that is only ever made by someone who hasn't had to scrimp and save ever? Lots of people come from money and are still very ambitious?

In most cases, the successful parent could drop everything to raise their child every hour of the day. The child still stands little chance of replicating their success. The Beckhams seem to be pretty hands on parents. Granted most of their kids are still children, but it's more likely that they'll slot into the Calum Best mould than the Victoria Beckham mould. In part because a lot of her success came about by being in the right place at the right time and then building on that. Her kids won't have to scuttle from audition to audition. Apparently her eldest child just quit his place on a highly sought after photography course. Rich kids can afford to just flit from thing to thing, instead of digging deep and building a useful skill set.

Calum Best is a very good example of what my post is about.

His father was many just any successful footballer. He achieved legendary status.

But, by all accounts was a crap father.

No matter how much “privilege” and money Calum had growing up, nothing will make up for that lack of real nurture.

And no matter what he achieves in life, he’ll always be in the shadow of George Best, he’s always going to be regarded as the untalented son of George Best.

Typo: wasn’t just any footballer