So unfortunately my birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 22 and I'm dreading it. It's making me anxious etc and giving me panic attacks tonight.
So basically.. Apart from my children, my life isn't going swimmingly. I lost my brother to suicide a few years ago and since then everything has been hard. Ptsd from finding him, depression, anxiety etc all gotten worse.
Not to mention since having dd I have two auto immune diseases that are flaring up and I'm heavily pregnant and in a lot of pain with sciatica etc.
What I really wanted to do is my little girl's dad would have her in the morning so I could sleep in and I was really looking forward to it. Money is so tight so we can't afford to go out, my self worth for myself is that low anyway I wouldn't want to. But I couldn't do anything anyway.
My mom booked me in with a medium to try and contact my brother, which I don't feel comfortable with. I also didn't feel comfortable telling my mom to cancel it as it'd upset me a lot.
I want nothing to do with it. No fuss, no cards nothing but everyone in my family just seems to think I should go out and pushing me and booking things. Which is lovely, but I have bigger priorities. I need to go to citizens advice and sort things out, job center with dp as we've had no money for months and I can't claim SMP from work.
I feel really rude and unreasonable because everyone just wants me to do things and in all honesty, I'm tired. I'm fed up and all I want to do is stay home and cuddle up with my little girl.
Am I being a selfish bitch? My mom was ever so offended when I told her I didn't want to eat out. Id be paying for it anyway and can't really afford it.
I just want to hide and have a normal day and forget about it.