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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to see my DP online banking?

9 replies

lattefrenzy · 14/03/2018 16:54

Try to include as much detail as possible without it being long and boring! Basically my DP us a former gambling addict and used to waste excessive amounts of money before we became a couple, however I fell pregnant and he promised he'd never gamble from then on, however sadly I miscarried.

I've had my suspicions for the past couple of weeks that he's been gambling again so I checked his wallet as he's always quite secretive about it and found a betting slip for a £5 bet. When I confronted him, he admitted that he'd gambled 5 or 6 times in the past year but only for £1/£2 - besides the point, he's still lied to me. (He's also lied about betting slips that I've found previous to this)

He's now begged me to forgive him and promised he wouldn't do anything else blah blah. I asked him if he had any online accounts which he's promised he hasn't and closed them all down a couple of years ago, following this, I asked to see his online banking because I wanted proof that he'd not gambled online but then got very defensive and said there's no need for me to see his banking because it's like him going through my phone (even though I've never lied, done anything etc) so not really the same.

AIBU not to let this drop until I'm satisfied? Not really looking for suggestions to leave him etc as I do love him and would be willing to help him as long as he told me the truth.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 14/03/2018 16:56

You can't trust him. He's lied to you and he's still lying to you.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 14/03/2018 16:57

Yanbu to expect him to be an open book. And he should be grateful.
When I found out my dh had spent all our cash and lied about money I filed for divorce the next day.

Chimpfield · 14/03/2018 16:59

He needs help - he is lying to you and he knows that its wrong. Encourage him to get help - I went through 25 years of this and time and time again my then H promised to change - he never did. This is his problem not yours, he needs to fix it. Btw my exH is now in a bed sit after gambling away every penny he had, including an inheritance in excess of £150k and yes he still gambles although in small amounts.
Sorry you are going through this.

Motoko · 14/03/2018 19:34

If you're not willing to leave him, what's the point in looking at his bank statements? You can't help him if he's not wanting to help himself. If he wanted help, or he was not gambling, he would be willing to show you.

So, as he's most probably lying, and he's refusing to let you see his statements, what are you going to do?

TheCraicDealer · 14/03/2018 19:54

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to see it, but he's perfectly entitled to refuse. Whether those two things are mutually exclusive is up to you.

Gambling is one thing I couldn't get past. Heard too many stories on here and in RL if women knowing nothing about a partner's addiction or its extent until it's reached catastrophic levels. I just couldn't live with knowing you could be pootling along as normal one week and looking like you could lose the house the next.

KTCluck · 14/03/2018 20:22

YANBU to ask for access, but be prepared for him to come up with plenty of reasons why you are, and be prepared to not like what you see if he does agree.

As someone whose DH is a compulsive gambler (currently controlled with several years gamble free) I totally understand the not wanting to leave him. You’ll get lots of posters saying you should, but it’s recognised as a mental illness, and you wouldn’t get the same advice if he had been diagnosed with a different mental health problem or a physical illness. I know from experience with my DH and other gamblers and their families that the compulsion takes them over. It turns otherwise good people into liars and thieves.

If you want to stick around and help him my advice is:

Get yourself to a GamAnon meeting for emotional support and practical advice

Try and get him to a GA meeting. After years of problem gambling and trying counselling, GP, hypnosis etc GA was DH’s saviour. It’s easier said than done if he’s not willing, and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before they’ll entertain the idea, but keep trying. In the end it was an ultimatum to DH that got him there as things had got so bad.

Protect yourself. Keep all cards etc with you (DH once maxed my credit card out in a matter of days, it’s scary how quickly a few bets can spiral when they try and chase their losses). I pay the bills, mortgage etc (with joint money) so I know these are getting paid and me and DD will be ok if he slips up.

Accept that it’s his problem. You can try to help him not to gamble and put barriers in place to make it difficult for him, but you can’t physically stop him and if he wants to he will find away. Once I realised this it was a weight off my mind - I stopped stressing about how to get him to stop and instead left it to him. He knew I was willing to help if he wanted it and that was all I could do.

It’s a horrendous addiction and if he has slipped back into it (which I suspect he has due to the secrecy) it will be tough. But hand on heart our relationship is stronger for what we’ve gone through. He has paid back every penny and is so sorry for what he did. I know it could happen again so I am never complacent, but to me it was worth sticking it out.

Having said that, you don’t have to put up with it, and if it becomes too much there is no shame in saying you’ve tried and you can’t put up with it any longer. I never told DH ‘if you do it again I’ll leave you’ because a) I wanted him to feel he could tell me if he did have a slip and b) I wasn’t sure whether I would follow through with it or not. However I did tell him that what he had put me through was terrible, and I didn’t know how much I could take and whether another bet would be a step too far.

Good luck Flowers

GladAllOver · 14/03/2018 20:35

For a betting addict the answer is the same as for an alcohol addict. You cannot have a small bet or a small drink.
You either stop it all, or you are still addicted. And it's very tough.

JoJoSM2 · 14/03/2018 20:57

What's the point of looking at his accounts? You being controlling isn't magically cure his addition. You'll just going to play silly buggers with him for decades.

If you want a relationship with a grown-up responsible man who can make a good father and provide for his child, then you need to look elsewhere rather than try to fix your current boyfriend.

KTCluck · 14/03/2018 21:08

Forgot to add, I do have access to DH’s account and he is happy for me to check it whenever. His pay goes into my account and I transfer what he needs when he needs it. It isn’t about being controlling. It’s just a protective measure that we both agreed on so that if he is tempted to gamble it’s spotted quickly and can be nipped in the bud before things get too bad.

While I agree that looking elsewhere is a perfectly reasonable option jojo it isn’t the only one. I definitely have a relationship with a responsible adult who is a fantastic father and is able to provide for us both. I didn’t always, but I didn’t have to change him, just give him a chance and support to change his behaviour.

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