gentle discipline methods for toddler?

[acquiesce]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic. I have a DS2 who is the most fun, loving, kind baby, he’s always wanting to cuddle and kiss and show affection. He’s extremely boisterous and mischievous but always in a funny, cheeky way.
I’ve always done gentle parenting and definitely don’t agree with yelling or anything like that.
However I don’t know where he’s picked it up but he’s constantly hitting me recently, I’m talking like 20-30 separate occasions per day where he slaps, kicks or bites me. If you tell him no or that hurts mummy he just does it harder! He doesn’t mean to be nasty he just genuinely thinks it’s funny, although when he’s pissed off with something he does do it then. I had to leg it over and stop him from whacking another kid over the head with a toy at playgroup yesterday!
Just wondering if anyone had any advice on discipline?
I’ve tried time out but this is a child who won’t sit down to eat meals unless he is strapped in.
Tried telling him no, distracting him, removing him from the situation etc all to no avail!

You can't reason with a 2 year old.. ..
While there is no need for screaming and shouting and beating.... a firm 'no' and moving child away from you or whatever the target every time.... over and over

What socksey said.

You need to be consistent and you need to be patient. It won’t work overnight but long term when he realised mummy means what she says it will

It's doing it over and over .... and again and again... time out doesn't start to be helpful for another year or so....
You will be beyond exasperated but otherwise it's finding a punishment that is suitable for a 2 year old.... so one they will understand...

Mum and or Dad need to be u derstood as consistent and fair.. ..

How much past two is he? Can he understand an immediate consequence, like leaving playgroup? Or losing a toy for a few minutes? With appropriate warnings, of course.

At playgroup I'd say on the way in "today you're going to use kind hands and feet", stay on top of him and as soon as he hit or kicked I'd grab stuff and leave. I know it's cutting off your nose to spite your face in one way, but DS2 was a bit scrappy at that age and it only took two or three sessions of leaving immediately before he sussed that any argy-bargy had a consequence he didn't like. Don't back down at all and don't feel bad if he cries because you've left; let him understand that consequence (because reasoning just doesn't work well at that age).

With hitting me I'd be firm, say "no" loudly and move away and shut him down every time. It's soul destroying, having to constantly be 'on' like that, but it really did work with DS2 eventually. He's 7 now and genuinely hasn't ever hurt anyone in years (except DS1 when they're scrapping like a bag of cats, but that doesn't count because they're just ridiculous).

He’s 2 and a half and quite an old 2 and a half in terms of speech and understanding. Some great ideas, we are off to playgroup this morning so I will definitely say the kind hands and feet thing, I like that as well cause it sounds positive whereas ‘no hitting today’ sounds negative.

Agree with others about warning and consequence.... Touch wood we have only had to leave a group once, on subsequent occasions I have warned that will happen and behaviour improves. Re time out, I put in time out spot and they have time out from me too. So I don't sweat if they move/ fiddle with something but just ignore them for the few minutes (provided they are safe); they generally hate time out from me more than anything.

And with hitting, I use a firm 'no, I can't let you hurt me'

Helping a child learn not to hit because it hurts someone takes longer and more consistent parental effort than teaching a child not to hit because there will be a punishment. But I think it's much better in the long run because the child learns self-discipline rather than externally imposed discipline. It takes lots of patiently and firmly saying "no hitting, hitting hurts" and if necessary taking the child away from the situation or holding the hands and saying "I'm not going to let you hurt me." If you can anticipate situations where hitting might happen you can remind the child to use kind hands in advance, or stick close to your child to stop anyone else getting hurt. It sometimes helps to know that sometimes a child will laugh not because they think it's funny but because they realise they've done something wrong and are nervous.

Una I agree the most important thing is teaching the child that it is wrong to hit because it hurts the other person. I don't see that this is incompatible with removal from the situation, I.e. leaving the playground. I always explain that it hurts the other person, and that is why we are leaving (i.e. not because she hasn't done what she was told).

Tbh, haven't had to do it much, as my DD is gentle, and much more likely to the clobberee than the clobberer. But we do leave. Because at 2, there is a limit to how much they can grasp the 'hitting hurts' message. That will come in time, but in the meantime they need to learn they can't go round battering other kids with no consequence. It's not fair on the other kids otherwise.

All really helpful responses - thank you

Reading with interest as DD is the same, the same age and also good at speech and understanding for her age - what happened to my cheery pliant baby?!

I tend to say "no, be gentle - can you stroke mummy nicely instead" or something like that. She only does it to me and DP, the little sod!

Just stop his hand before it hits you and calmly but firmly say ‘No bashing’ every time. It’s a normal phase.

Shovingleopard, I agree, though I think there's a subtle but important difference between removing a child as a punishment and removing them as containment. It's mostly in the body language/tone of voice at that age - an angry "you've been naughty so we're going home" vs a firm but calm "oh dear, seems you can't stop hitting today, let's go home now and try again tomorrow". It's not always easy to be calm about it of course, but I think doing it that way helps avoid putting the child on the defensive. And yes, doing it this way does require being close enough to prevent other children getting hurt.

They often do it because they know it gets them attention. You might notice they will do it when you’re doing something which distracts from them, like talking on the phone. If you know you’re going to be in a situation which triggers it, try and distract them in advance. So give him crayons or a toy before you talk on the phone.

Do everything you are doing already and keep doing it for the next year or two!.Tell him to stop firmly and say 'It hurts mummy and makes me sad' Then make a big show of taking his hand and showing him how to touch you gently (like patting a kitten) and how much you like it - much laughter will ensue. It helped me to learn that the Danish call these the boundary years. It is their job to find out how the world works by testing boundaries to see which ones stay firm and which ones can be moved. They are also just too little for impulse control.