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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin's Party

22 replies

CasaMiercoles · 13/03/2018 21:47

New name, old user (just in case)
My nephew (DH brother's son) has just turned 4 and is having a birthday party. We live in the same city and my DH and his brother are close but his wife doesn't really like us. We don't exactly know why but she didn't speak to us at all for 3 years after our wedding and when we've asked BIL why or if we've upset her/if there is anything we can do he doesn't really like to talk about it. However, my DH and his brother get the kids together when they can and it's never really been an issue. She has her life and we have ours, not everyone can get on all the time.
However. They are having a party for our nephew and they've invited our 4 yr old but not our 6 yr old. Reason being its a party for 4 year olds. I don't really want to just send my 4yr old, my 6yr old would be pretty upset to be excluded. If the 4yr old saw his cousin more often we could explain it to the 6 yr old but when they meet its all 3 of them and, while they obviously understand about friends parties just being for the one invited, cousin's parties have always been both (there's lots of cousins on my side).
WWBU to decline the invite? And i don't want to upset anyone or annoy our SIL again (not for us or her particually but my MIL is lovely and she doesn't need us falling out), so should we make up an excuse? Just not sure how to handle it!

OP posts:

Littlefish · 13/03/2018 21:49

I'm still not quite sure why the 4 year old can't go without the 6 year old. Surely, at 6, you just explain that they aren't invited.

EllieMe · 13/03/2018 21:50

It's a party for 4 year olds - just send your 4 year old. Brothers can't both be invited to every party going. Mine got over it, yours will as well.

Original poster

CasaMiercoles · 13/03/2018 21:51

Yes, we can. We do when its a friend from school or something and she understands fine. But when its a cousin, and when we see the cousin they always go together my DD would be pretty upset to miss out on the party.

OP posts:

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/03/2018 21:54

Maybe they're worried that a child 2 years older, but not very old will get competitive and 'win' all the games????

I understand why you're upset. Cousins are different to friends.

cheesydoesit · 13/03/2018 21:55

I don't think YABU. I agree it's different with cousins, especially as they are quite close in age. Will other family members be there? Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc?

DPotter · 13/03/2018 21:56

Let the 4 yr old go and use the time to have a special time with the 6 yr old with his Mum and Dad. I think it's fair enough to not invite the 6yr old if all the other children are 4yr

Kelvingrove · 13/03/2018 21:58

Even if it was a class party, the children would not all be 4 or 5 or whatever in the same school year so this does seem odd. Could you have a previous engagement?

SunshineAfterRain · 13/03/2018 22:00

I actually get where you are coming from OP.
If your 4 year old dc wasn't the child's cousin he wouldn't be invited. He is only invited because he is a cousin. The 6 year old cousin is not invited though how strange.

helpmum2003 · 13/03/2018 22:00

All siblings cannot always be invited to all parties - even cousins. I think you need to accept this. There could be a multitude of reasons and it may not be anything to do with your SIL erratic behaviour towards you...

FrancisCrawford · 13/03/2018 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CasaMiercoles · 13/03/2018 22:01

That might be it Drinks, my DD would enjoy helping out with the littler ones rather than join in (its what she's done at other little cousin's parties), but that's probably their worry. They don't know either of my children well to be fair, its a duty invite and I'm mainly worried about upsetting my SIL again by declining the invite but i don't want to upset my DD either.
Not a huge problem i know, just a tricky situation

OP posts:

Seniorcitizen1 · 13/03/2018 22:04

Ffs - it is a party for 4 year olds so if you are 6 you can’t go. Simple explanation and your 6 year old should understand

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/03/2018 22:05

I'm mainly worried about upsetting my SIL again by declining the invite

It goes like this ..... "Darling, talk to your brother about this party invitation will ?!

You and SIL need have no communication whatsoever , ergo you cannot offend her that way

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 13/03/2018 22:06

I don’t think YABU to decline. I do think an invite to a cousin’s party is different to an invite to a friend’s. Also I think you could be setting an uncomfortable, to you, precedent. Perhaps the declination could be softened by suggesting a trip out together, it might build bridges with SIL?

Original poster

CasaMiercoles · 13/03/2018 22:06

Neither of the children know about the party, its last minute invite! I think BIL just thought of it in the pub with my DH last week.

OP posts:

DazzlingMilton · 13/03/2018 22:07

Will the PILs be there? If so I would get DH to ask them to make sure your 6 year old is invited.

If not I would just go along with it and accept the invite for the 4 year old and get DH to go to keep the peace assuming you’re also happy to extend the same duty invite in return.

It’s pretty lame though.

BewareOfDragons · 13/03/2018 22:10

It's a party for 4 year olds.

A 6 year old would be more capable and 'win' everything.

The 6 year old wasn't invited.

Get a grip. Have your DH take your 4 year old to the party and you do something fun with your 6 year old.

KateAdiesEarrings · 13/03/2018 22:11

Your DD will take her lead from you. All you have to say is 'it's a party with an age limit. We'll do something for 6-yr-olds that day instead.'
Your dislike of your DSIL is making this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

MadMags · 13/03/2018 22:16

I would fake a previous engagement. It's not worth the angst and there's a massive chance neither of your dc are particularly wanted there!

Enidblyton1 · 13/03/2018 22:18

It's a bit weird not to invite the 6 year old given they are cousins of very similar age.
I would send your 4 year old to the party and spend some quality time with your 6 year old. Just explain to 6 year old that the party is for little children. My 6 and a half year old is groaning about having to go to a 4 year olds party this weekend - so I can vaguely understand why your SiL might be worried your older child will be too grown up for the party. (Rubbish of course, but if your DN is SiL's first child she will be fairly new to parties and be worrying about getting everything 'right').

Original poster

CasaMiercoles · 13/03/2018 22:21

Yeah, I'm probably worrying about nothing. We don't ever really see SIL - when we do it's fine, bit frosty! But fine. And its DH family so his decision ultimately but i don't wanna cause another family upset. I'm from a big, close, noisy (possibly slightly obnoxious) family and i find DH family dynamics tricky. There is only his mum and brother (and us wives and kids now obv).
Im just fretting because im away with work and having this conversation with DH over text!

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/03/2018 22:21

It's odd that they'd invite one cousin but not the other especially as close in age. I'd understand if it was a friend's or classmate's party but family...
I'd decline. Fuck SIL. She doesn't give you the time of day. I really wouldn't be concerned with her feelings and, highly doubt, she'd care.

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