Probably am bring unreasonable and need to be told: partner's work hours

[Justexhausted]

I know I am being very selfish and silly but I just need to talk this through, even if it is with strangers on the internet.

My partner of 18 months, who I live with, is looking for a new job. He has found one to apply for which is Friday to Monday from early evening until the early hours of the morning, it's support work of a sorts.

It is in the field he wants to get in to and I am fully supportive of him getting into that field, but the moment he mentioned the hours I just panicked like nothing else and burst into tears.

I work in a school and will be for some years yet. The idea of not having any weekends where we could do anything together just feels me with dread. I think this is probably because I am extremely lonely and don't really have friends outside my partner at the moment, which is due to quite severe social anxiety.

My partner obviously is now thinking that I an completely unsupportive of him, and I guess this isn't the first time I've completely failed to be supportive. I have a few mental health issues and they tend to come out when change or challenge is mentioned.

Not even very deep down I know it wouldn't be forever, I'd see him in the holidays and that it's not like he's planning on going on working on an oil rig or something.

I guess I just had this "well wouldn't you miss me?" Kind of moment. I know his career is really important to him and that he needs me to be supportive of the fact that it does come first for him.

We don't have children and won't for some time as we are both building careers.

I guess I just want to know if I am in any way justified in being upset about this. My partner literally spoke to me to say goodbye this morning and that was it. I am just so exhausted with my own brain, I can't hide feelings once I feel them and i can know i am being insensitive and yet still be that insensitive or selfish. I really hate the person I am in relation to other people.

Sorry it’s upset you but believe me your fears will be confirmed
My husband and I work from home and he works 7 days a week many hours a day and we have no life together and it’s been 5 years
He gets everything done for him etc

It has made me depressed tbh
I suppose you’ll get late afternoons to bedtime together some days I get 1-2 hours a day if I’m lucky and husbchild my stepdaughter gets to eat her dinner I cook for her with him

You have my sympathy that you are feeling so distressed, you really need some help to get through this. Have you had any treatment such as counselling? would you contemplate it?

I have a DH who works away, and travels all over the world with no pattern at all and it's unpredictable. He is occasionally out of contact for a couple of days in places like the Malaysian jungle.

If he is getting a job as a specialist live in carer which is what it sounds like remember there will be other people he will care for with different hours needed in the future.

Yanbu to feel a bit upset that you won't have regular weekends together.

But yabu if it in anyway alters your attitude towards him, or you try and blame him in anyway.

Presumably working in a school is the career of your choice, and you wouldn't expect him to be put out because you aren't giving that up and doing second best to fit in with his hours, so the same applies to him.

Your social anxiety will of course make it harder for you, but that isn't a valid, let alone fair, reason to hope he won't pursue his career ambitions.

You're making this way too much about you and your feelings and your mental health issues, hence why he doesn't feel you're being supportive of him.

Based on what you've said you were aware already that his career is his major priority right now and you're not being supportive of that by bursting into tears and having your face on the floor since then.

It's okay to be upset and to miss having weekends with him but it's not okay to make him feel bad for wanting to take that job and if that causes him to decide not to go for it, he will resent you for it.

It's a bit early to be even having so much drama over a job he hasn't even applied for yet. He might not even get the job or he might get it and realise all on his own that he misses having weekends with you so starts looking for something with a better schedule in the same field.

My DP works mainly night shifts, almost every weekend and often weekday nights, too. I work full time during the day. We have a 3yo and we juggle, just like everyone else. Yes, it would be nice to have time together at the weekend but we just make sure that we have something nice planned as a family to make the most of our time together. Sometimes I'll take leave so we can do something during the week and other times he'll take leave so we can do something on a weekend. That you'll have school holidays is amazing! I think you're very lucky!

I would feel the same! I feel for you. Having said that if its a job he really wants then you should support him. If theres a chance the hours could change and he'd only work this shift pattern for some time that could make it easier too?

Sorry but fuck that. 18 months together and you're expected to barely see eachother apart from holidays. It wouldn't be for me. YANBU

Justexhausted

For clarity in the hours you described for this job, it would be a pattern of 4 days straight working, then 3 days off in a row? So Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday off?

Well, you won't never see him. Sure you'll maybe see him less, but living together, you'll see each other plenty on the days he's not working plus the weekend afternoons before he goes to work.

When my DP and I moved in together, I worked four nights a week, 4pm - 1am, and he worked days 9-5ish. I still saw him plenty and we just made sure to actually do things together on our free evenings. We actually probably made more of an effort than we do now we both work from home much of the time!

Try look on it as making more quality time rather than focus on the time you're losing. Maybe make some plans about having a date night every week, say a Wednesday or Thursday evening where you can go out for a meal or just get a takeaway and watch a film or something.

We don't have children and won't for some time as we are both building careers

But you don't want him to build his career?

But it’s only 4 days a week and every six weeks or so, you’ll have a couple of weeks together during the day. Honestly, it’s not really fair that you’re acting like this when he’s trying to further his career. It’s not like you’d be left looking after the kids either. Sorry, but I think you’re being unfair here.

But you'll see him every evening before he starts work, plus on his days off, surely?

It's not ideal but lots of couples work opposite shifts. I work weekends and DP works Monday to Friday, but I still see him everyday after work and in the morning before he leaves. It's fine :)

He hasn't got the job yet! Support him in his application. You are both building your careers and have no children so yes, I think you are being a little bit unreasonable. However, it is totally understandable to be worried/anxious so don't feel bad about how you feel.

Me and DH lived practically separate lives when we were first married and for the first few years of having children he worked nights and I worked away from home a lot. It was difficult but we survived to tell the tale. We knew it was only for the short term so we just got on with it and looked forward to the future. Tomorrow will soon come and then you can both reap the rewards of good careers and go on lots of nice holidays together.

But you'll still have Tues-Thur evenings together, right?

DH and I worked 'opposing shifts' for the first 4 years and we basically saw each other for the 30 minutes a day, the time after I got home and before he had to leave. A few years after that he worked out of town from Sun-Wed. We also had 2 DC during that time, which did make a difference since I was busy with them as well as working full-time.

You just have to find your own 'resources'. Which for you will mean dealing with your social anxiety through counseling, meds, whatever it takes. You also have to become comfortable with yourself, meaning that you can spend time on your own and be happy. TBH, it got to the point where I 'treasured' my Sundays alone. DH working and my parents or iLs would have the children for the day.

If you feel your relationship has a sound basis and you see a future together, don't let this bump in the road derail you. He's building his career and that often includes unfortunate shifts, even work out of town. But eventually he will get the experience on his CV that will allow him to choose more convenient shifts.

So you're not completely supportive of him, are you?

You need to make it clear what you think he should be looking for in a new job so he knows.

Yeah you need to find your own friends and your own life to have fun at the weekends without him

Don't make him responsible for all of your happiness; its too much pressure and it'll damage your relationship

You'll see him in the evenings during the week and in the day during weekends. That doesn't sound too bad.

If you want to see more and he gets the job you need to think about changing your work hours to accommodate this rather than expecting him to change.

Joining a hobby or sports group is a good way to make friends. Or is there anyone from work you could build a friendship with?

Are your mental health conditions, anxiety etc diagnosed by a GP? Are you following their advice on how to deal with it?

Have sent him a message to apologise. I was being ridiculous. I just panic and it is so hard to see any other way when I am panicking.

I have anxiety and depression diagnosed by a doctor and have had loads of CBT and counselling. However i am currently really suffering with issues of emotional regulation, but I can't get any doctors to understand just how difficult I'm finding that. SSRIs don't work for me so I've been prescribed venlafaxine but I'm too scared of the side effects to take it. I think I probably will talk myself into it but on a good day it's hard to see why I would put myself through the side effects. However on a bad day like today I just want to feel better.

Thank you everybody for your balanced comments. They are what I needed to sort out the mess in my head. Quite often I can't trust my own brain to have a fair point of view so hearing from others really does help.