To think CBT can't fix life?

[ASAS]

I read on here quite often GPs telling women their MH problems are "circumstantial".

Oh goody! So if my circumstances were slightly different, say I didn't have to be the parent doing all the driving, dropping, collecting, remembering, homework, clearing wardrobes, taking out the constant stream of recycling but instead got to be the parent playing in a magically hoovered, aired and tidied living room I wouldn't want to kill myself?

And if I can't magically change the above maybe I could even just think to myself I don't HAVE to be the unpaid, unhired help? Handy. But I can't because eventually someone is going to need a t-shirt and boom, her I am, the t-shirt lady.

So, if meds don't help, yoga doesn't help, "letting go" doesn't help AIBU to think this afternoon's CBT appointment isn't going to help.

CBT doesn't fix life, but can give you the tools you need to help you cope with the life that you have or make changes that are both realistic and practical.

CBT is about changing the way you think about things and can help you cope better with what is happening. It doesn't make things go away it just gives you tools to deal with it. That said, it doesn't help everyone.

X post with Milk.

What do you know about CBT?

It sounds like what would help would be the other parent you mention not being a lazy arsehole and giving you some support.

That said, CBT can teach you techniques for managing feelings so they don't overwhelm you. It won't change the circumstances that lead to those feelings but it might help you gain control over them and develop tools to help you manage such as the ability to tell your partner to shape up before you throttle them

Good luck OP, I hope you're ok

I’ve really enjoyed having CBT (as weird as that sounds) sure it hasn’t fixed my circumstances, but I’ve been taught ways of dealing with it that work for me. I was completely against it and thought it was a load of shite before I went. Its hard work but do try it.

As others. It won't fix but it might help.

Not sure there is any tool to deal with having to do everything on your fucking own with no support.

Unless 'deal with' means 'accept you have no choice but to be miserable because it's shit and nobody can help'

Totally get it OP. That's why I won't go for CBT again. I can deal with catastrophising but it's the relentlessness of life that gets me.

I don't think CBT is supposed to make all the bad things that have happened or how you feel go away I think it is supposed to help you change how you think about them .

I am sorry you are feeling like this OP. I am not a counsellor or CBT trained but I was once given some CBT advice by a counsellor (for something relatively minor). Like you I was also fairly sceptical but I think you maybe need to give it some time if you have only had one CBT appointment and try putting some of the suggestions in place and see if it helps.
I think CBT is meant to change the way you think and react to things/situations etc. I am sure someone else will come along and advise you better. Have you tried any medictation relaxation exercises?
Take care 💐

Oh you bunch of fuckers. I'm crying the good tears now!

I agree with your GP. You have to change the circumstances you see describe. Is there a co-parent?

CBT is one of the few things that helped me live a normal life. I had over a decade of severe mental illness - medication, repeated long hospitalisations, self harm, several attempts on my life - I still use CBT techniques constantly. It can definitely help if you’re open to letting it.

But it sounds like you also need more help at home, do you have a partner?

It's just the relentlessness of it all. I think of my mum doing this back in the day and want to kiss her feet

Posts crossed I meant meditation or relaxation exercises.
I couldn’t tell from your post are you a single parent comparing yourself to other single parents or do you feel resentful and like your other half isn’t pulling their weight? Have you considered speaking to other half, marriage guidance counseling.
How old are your DC’s if they are young they maybe couldn’t deal with washing and ironing but if not babies they could maybe do some small things to help you so you didn’t feel like this. Are you a SAHP or do you work full time or part time OP? Take care

You're right CBT can't change circumstances... BUT it can change the way you perceive these previous problems!

In my experience many parents for example,.get very bogged down in being a 'perfect parent'... It can help with all sorts of issues... Eg Analysing different situations and work out what's really important to you

My mum for example had a miserable time... Doing the usual double shift... But she became much happier when a lot of these pointless tasks were dropped... Or given to someone else...

She was isolated as she had a rule 'mums are not' aloowed' to go out socially until house is spotless.. : and all the meals for my dad/us were gently cooking when he returned.... So she ended up not doing stuff outside... My dad never had such issues... As he had the housework and cooking fairies...

She told my dad how miserable it was (expecting him to go mad...) turns out he didn't care about having food ready when he came in. He could make something quickly.. And tbh was fed up of her priotising housework over family time..

So... He suddenly realised... Everyone would be happier if everyone did a fair share of housework... After 40 years...

It also looks at various thinking 'errors' which maintain you in negative spirals...

If I had this cognitive rule- I can't leave unless house is spotless... I would never go out...!! Also looking at catastrophising.

What happens if you don't clean the house so you eat from the floor...?? Will the sky fall in? Will people die? No? A. More helpful thought could be... :This can wait and the kids /DH can help....we can all go out together and have a nice time'

It can change how you look at life. My house is a shit tip but I can look at it artistically
Mindfulness might be worth a try.

Sometimes the problems around us (or behind us) will not go away. But if we are better at dealing with them or find strategies so that they affect us differently we can live a better life. Give it a go.

Tbh, in the situation that you are describing its about counting your blessings and looking for the positives.

I was Widowed with three children, two with SN. Even so, my life was nothing like my Grandmother's, who lived in the 30's as a LP.

Turn the news on, give thanks for living in the UK etc.

I was a Carer to my DH whilst he was dying, we'd lost our home, I'd had to give up work and I was fighting the LEA. CBT helped. I couldn't change my situation, but by using that and meditation, positive thinking. I found joy in the little things.

"The relentlessness" is nurturing and setting your children on their path. "The recycling", how lucky are we that we can just go to a supermarket ad buy goods, there's families/children living on rubbish dumps looking for recycling material.

Even the most shit lives in the UK aren't that bad. Dealing with a child that is terminal/very disabled is a different matter.

I was thinking reading the Mother's Day posts about Charlie Guard and Alfie Evens Mums (as well as those in similar circumstances). All of the gripes were petty could be changed.

I've had CBT and it doesn't fix things but it does give you the tools to be able to deal with things better. It only works though if you want it to work, if you believe it won't work then it won't :(

I've been there, at breaking point and CBT helped me come through it, on my own, but also allowed me to recognise me slipping into old behaviours and stop things before they came an issue.

I hope you get as much out of it as i did

Oh OP. Been there chick.

CBT doesn’t change the shit but helps you deal with the shit which hopefully would help you to change the shit.

I found it really helpful, hard work, it needs practice and perseverance, but worth it.

Thank you so much everyone.

And thoughts particularly with you birdsgottafly

I have now had my first session. Explosions were going off in my head, do many things clicking into place including alot of what's been said here about setting myself negative rules.

Why shouldn't I blinking play with my lovely child and lovely DH.

I've been a bit of a dick truth be told.

I had CBT and also a course of Sertraline following a particularly vicious bout of health anxiety that, quite frankly, would have torn a lot of partnerships apart. I don't want to go into detail, but how DH put up with me at that time and, more importantly, is still with me I simply do not know.

I was very sceptical at first, and CBT wasn't a miraculous cure, but it did teach me to recognise aspects of my behaviour and to be aware and how to cope if/when it reared its ugly head again. The mantra that came out of my sessions was "rationalise not catastrophise" and is one I use daily. It will never go away, but I've realised I can cope.

My husband has found CBT really enlightening, I can't say I've ever done it myself, but he really rates it