To end these swimming lessons once and for all

[stuckintheblastingsnow]

I cannot make up my mind ! Ugh !

I have two boys. DS1 (13) and DS2 (8). DS2, which this post is about, has high functioning Autism, quite articulate, smart but finds it extremely difficult to establish and contain friendships.

As a young child (we knew he had Autism then), he loved water, was absolutely obsessed with it. We live be the sea side, so he loved going to the beach and having a splash about in the sea don’t. However, over time (Years!) , I realised that yes, water is fun, but DS needs to learn how to be safe in the water so he doesn’t drown !

I enrolled him to swimming classes, the instructor was great in the beginning (but as the months went by, the instructor was getting lazy). However ! DS made very good friends with the two boys (3:1 session) in his swimming sessions. This is a first ! Since he finds it difficult to substain friendships.

However, in recent months, the instructor has been slacking in teaching the boys, especially DS. I don’t think the other parents mind as their boys are already good swimmers. The instructor also ALWAYS mentions about DS Autism... for example “I’n A specialist at teaching kids with Autism and disabilities”. “ The thing with Autism is that your son may take a while to learn how to swim”. “He will swim in his own way”. “It must be hard parenting a child with Autism”. She does this ALL the time. It’s like she has crossed a line with DS for being Autistic and not getting further up in swimming.

After that, I had enough. DS wasn’t progressing in swimming, not totally down to the instructor of course. DS finds it hard to focus in sessions and the instructor sorts of gives up and let him do his own thing. Moving on, a friend recommended me this private swimming academy sort of thing. I thought “Well, it’ll do no harm”. DS has been there for 7 months and is making outstanding progress ! The instructors get him, they don’t cross a line with DS because of his Autism, they teach him swimming techniques (diving, posture etc etc) because they believe in his ability.

However, I don’t know what to do. DS is currently having 2 sessions of swimming classes a week. One with his friends at the leisure centre and the other at the private swimming school. I’m worried if I quite his swimming sessions with the boys, he would lose the friendship. The families and myself don’t live near each other so play dates or outings would be difficult to organise. But oh my goodness ! I just want DS to quit this place. Every time he goes back to the session at the swimming centre, he loses all the skills the swimming academy taught him, as if he goes backwards (Some children with Autism find it hard to generalise new skills in new environments, I think this is DS issue).

I don’t know what to do. Urgh it’s a hard one.

Her who = herself!

What is more important to you and your son - learning to swim or having the friendships? It sounds as if your son could learn to swim at the new place but he'd have to quit the current lessons and potentially lose the friendships. Can you not let him continue the crappy lessons and think of it less as learning to swim and more as a chance for him to enjoy having friends. Put off the new lessons until his current friends stop going to the crappy lessons - your son can then quit the crappy ones and go and learn to swim properly.

I'd not suggest this if your son had lots of friends but I know that for some kids with additional needs making friends is a massive deal. If you think it is a big deal for your son then pay for friendship class swimming class instead of swimming class!

s he actually swimming? Perhaps you're too worried about it all, maybe just relax and let it sort itself he's only 8 after all.

This is what the instructor does. DS (and the boys) will swim, instructor will then exchange chit chat with a fellow instructor. DS loses focus and starts playing in the water. The other two boys will practice on swimming regardless and DS will copy them.

Yes water is fun. But I am very big on safety.

DS prefers the private swim school. He has grown safety confidence in the water, is beaming with pride when he sees himself progressing.

Can you not let him continue the crappy lessons and think of it less as learning to swim and more as a chance for him to enjoy having friends

It’s a hard one. It’s more to do with the confliction of teaching methods. If DS has no instructor and we happen to see the boys at the same time and at the same place every where. Then no big deal. But the teaching methods conflict one another.

Friendships and learning how to swim are important to me.

I’ve offered and tried to arrange play dates outside of class. But the parents are quite busy.

I'm sorry about that, OP. I think it does give you an indication though of how the others view the relationship - that's it's time- and location-specific. It's a shame for your DS but if you have tried your best, and it's actually detrimental to him now because of all the things you've listed, and he can learn to swim much better elsewhere, then you need to cut your losses now.

Do you book lessons direct through her, or is it organised by the pool? People's circumstances change all the time, so I'd just go with a fairly neutral "I'm afraid I'm going to give notice for DS - X date will be his last lesson." If she asks why, then you can say "It's just not really convenient any longer as I've got other competing commitments for DS and he doesn't seem to be making a lot of progress right now so we decided it was best to take a break" and then, as a PP said, extract yourself briskly...

Not exactly an answer but wanted to add something I have been told.

My 2 DSs (4 and 6, no autism) is to not mix coaching styles. We were told this by their swim coach who was very happy for them to stay with the other person if that's what we chose. They spoke about conflicting advice and methods being a problem and that we should pick someone we want and stick with them.

They've been coaching both children since each was about 1. There's a lot to be said for sticking with what works.

Professionally (teacher but quite little contact with AEN / ASD children) I think that there's a lot to be said for encouraging friendships and social interaction. Swimming on the other hand is only really important so they're at a standard where they're safe. Do you care if his butterfly breathing's not great?

The coach talking about his autism sounds a little annoying but nothing worse.

As long as money isn't an issue, I'd let him continue both purely for seeing his friends.

I would drop the lessons at the leisure centre, but first explain to your DS's friends' parents why you are stopping, and make clear to them that you would really like your son to continue meeting up with his friends. Maybe they are ready to quit lessons and would just meet up for an open swim, or some other activity?

Although I totally understand your wish to keep your son in contact with his friends, it sounds like the teacher is making no real effort with your son. Also the arrangement will inevitably fall apart fairly soon as one of the boys wants to take up a new activity which clashes etc etc - this is as good a time as any to find out whether the friendship can sustain that kind of inevitable change. Just make clear that you would like to do play dates etc despite the distance (and be prepared to work at that if they are up for it).

Difficult situation

You could maybe talk to parents in advance of your DS quitting, and say you'd love to take the 3 boys out to tea after his last swimming lesson with them - McDonalds or Pizza Hut or something? That might be a way to get either a nice "end" to the friendship or the start of a bit of socialising away from that class? If it doesn't work out then you have tried your best - but as you say, you've been keeping it going for over 6 months now and it sounds as if time's up.

That's a really hard one OP, I think in your shoes I would be tempted to keep doing both as long as DS wants to if he is still benefitting from the social time with his friends. If it was a financial choice I would give him the opportunity to choose which he would prefer to continue himself. As you say he has been really proud of his progression at the academy then perhaps that would be his answer.
In an ideal world it would be nice if you could arrange a fun swim session with his friends in place of the ineffective lessons and continue with the academy, would the other parents perhaps be interested in that option?

I have a DD with autism. I think that you could quite the swim lessons where he isn't learning anything. He can meet new children through other swim related activities. You might check out a swim team. It was the only team sport my DD was able to participate in. She told me once that she liked the interaction on swim team because often another child would say something to her, they would have to swim, and it would give her time to figure out how to respond. The constant pausing in conversations was very helpful to her.

Swimming has value for children with autism far beyond water safety. It is really good for sensory integration, which can help them deal with the rest of the world better and also help with their ability to process and learn information.

It can allow for physical fitness. Children and teens with autism often avoid the activities that their peers enjoy -- most team sports just confuse them are require faster processing than can muster.

There are many normal childhood things that our autistic children will never do or have, but they can have a team swim suit, a team photo, a tee shirt from a meet, ribbons. It might sound silly, but if other children they know have these things, it is quite nice for them to have them, too. Being part of a team is a social experience.

It provides an positive feedback where one is always working toward their personal best. At times life is very difficult for children and teens with autism, and knowing that they are a really good swimmer can help them feel good about themselves. For some kids, it is the only arena in which they can compete.

Motherofyorkies I think that's a really good shout. Cricket is similar for my autistic son. We have landed on our feet with fantastic, generous and inclusive coaches but also it's broken down into sections - you're bowling, batting or fielding and he can follow it.

Similar with a swimming team, you get to be part of the team on poolside but the race itself is simple speed. All the more reason for him to focus on good technique and progressing in the private lessons.

Excellent point Mother is your DD part of a swim squad ? How is she getting on ?

Have you looked into any local swimming clubs in your area? The clubs are often ran by volunteers but they all have level 1,2 and 3 coaching skills which is more qualifications than the leisure centre and your son may be able to have a longer session each time to develop further.
They will practise technique and get this to develop first before building up the stamina.

I have mentioned in another thread about swimming, that being a strong swimmer doesn't mean, the person is safe in all water; there are many cases where the non swimmer has survived a boating accident (because he or she hung on to the boat) where the swimmer has drowned due to getting caught in a dangerous current while trying to reach the land.

As a mother of Aspies the informal lessons probably give him more social experiance in an hour than he gets all week - the fact they are a bit crap means the boys probably interact loads.
To be blunt if you have tried play dates and the parents are 'busy' then the boys dp not want to be actual friends.
I would just treat the informal swimming as pretty cheap social skills therapy.