THREAD 2 -- to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Creating a space for anyone who wants to continue the discussion from a previous thread..........................

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3182223-to-ask-if-anyone-on-here-regrets-going-back-to-work-after-dc-and-not-being-a-sahp

There have been many twists and turns along the way. It's a topic that's both complex and emotive.

I returned to work after my babies, part time at first then full time.

No regrets- in fact the opposite because I’d probably have struggled to get back into a decent job if I’d given up for a while.

I find a lot of the arguments on these threads inconsistent tbh .... if a woman is happy SAH (and often these women say their husband earns 5 times what they could etc) then why does female earning suddenly become important when they’re referring to childcare wages?!

Yes it would be great if childcarers were paid more but then fewer people would return to work because of the cost. Also not all work is about money and if someone really enjoys their job then that’s reward too.

No judging here btw and actually I doubt most WOHM care if other women don’t work. We’re all generally just getting on and living our own lives and doing what works for our family

Btw I have never ever ever in all my years come across a woman who returns to work purely to make a political point about gender equality!

No I've never met a woman who returned to work purely to make a point about gender equality either. Nevertheless, it a point that's made time and time again on here that working mums are a better role model to their DC. The point is, that if mums aren't dong the daily childcare, someone else is and that somebody is frequently another female on minimum wage. Men have not adapted their working expectations to accommodate the rise in women working full-time. Usually, for women, "equality" just means "doing it all."

I agree with sevenstars - children absorb the fact they are cared for by women, at home, in childcare, in primary school. The modelling of being a good 'feminist' by working is further undermined when we come home and do all the domestic labour.

There is a fundamental inequality that is shifting slowly, talking about it, questioning it and being unafraid to speak about your own experience is important. I address the fact that I am a sahm with my children directly. I don't hide the fact that my employment prospects and earning potential have been affected, I talk to them about social and economic inequalities. I volunteer at citizens advice so I talk in general terms about social issues people face. Children are philosophical by nature and can process complex ideas and understand injustice very well. I give them credit for appreciating that I have made sacrifices but ultimately I made a selfish choice to have children, I made further choices to look after those children and that there are consequences. DH and I were probably as naive as any new parents 14 years ago but we would probably make the same (constrained by circumstances) 'choices' despite any problems I face now in returning to work.

I hope things will improve, not just by making it easier to access childcare, but by new ways and hours of working, longer life spans mean we have to accept we will be working for longer, but in different more healthy ways I hope. DH has recently benefited from being able to work from home, I will be free to work more as a result. You can hold many roles/ identities in one lifetime so I don't intend to be categorised or written off for simply one aspect of 'me'.

Nevertheless, it a point that's made time and time again on here that working mums are a better role model to their DC.

Yup, this point was made repeatedly on the last thread. I was told I was wasting my education and professional qualifications to stay at home, that I was wasn't contributing to society or having any influence on society, that I was only contributing to society indirectly through my DC and DH, I wasn't setting a good role model/setting a 1950s role model for my DD, in a financially dependent/unequal relationship with DH etc etc etc.

I've actually been mulling it over every now and again since and these are actually pretty offensive statements!

‘What is all this "modelling" to children exactly?’

Whilst I’m very supportive of sahms (having been one, still mostly wfh, not a huge fan of group childcare for the under 3s), I don’t think you can really compare the impact of what a childcare worker models with what a parent models to their child. Clearly the parent’s modelling is going to have a much greater impact. But in any case, it’s the relationship with the carer that is important to small children, not how much they do or don’t get paid.

But in any case as children grow, hopefully it becomes a conversation, not just ‘do what I do’. I do agree that the attitude toward sahms does generally stink. It’s the type of Daily Mail/Tory/capitalist government peddled idea that everyone must work to be valid. Peddled for obvious reasons ££££

Not that I don’t completely support working mothers - it’s the scathing attitude towards those that don’t.

IME this is only something that happens from a very small number of posters on MN and not in real life.

There are one or two posters who bang insanely about SAHM being akin to unpaid prostitutes or living in the 1950s or being brain dead.

Equally there are a couple of posters who bang on about precious moments or feel obliged to tell us all how they’ve discovered amazing things about themselves and achieved so many incredible things as SAHM - obviously they don’t realise that us WOHM also undergo amazing transformations as parents!

Both these viewpoints are ridiculous but tbh they’re hardly worth bothering with as it’s literally just the occasional poster.

Most of us are intelligent enough to realise there is more than one way to raise happy, well adjusted children. And many of us are capable of being happy and fulfilled in more than one way too. I enjoy working for many reasons, but I’m sure I would be quite happy as a SAHM too.

I have definitely felt judgement in real life. Noticeably from some friends who have strong feminist views (which normally I share!), but know nothing about being a parent or indeed my finances. But there’s a lot more of it in a less open way, little comments here and there. No doubt I should be thicker skinned.

Interesting perspectives on work which were quite different to the majority of working parents on the last thread....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3193560-To-have-lost-interest-in-working-after-20-years

Ha ha ha ha!

I guess this thread is some variation on confirmation bias, or something...

Im sure if there was a thread about the boredom /woes of SAHP it would be the same -in fact there was a thread a while ago thats life .

Really interesting thread. I’m a SAHM who always planned on going back to work 6 weeks after having DS... 2.5 years later I’m still here!
For me I totally agree re poorly paid childcare - I think the quality of childcare in this country is terrible, and consists of women doing the best they can with limited resources and minimum wage, the adult to child ratio is shocking at some nurseries.
I’m glad I made the decision I did but then I love toddler groups etc and we fill our days with baking, crafting etc and I teach him thinks like colours and numbers so don’t think he’s missed out on either educational or social.
However there are days when I don’t recognise myself, I used to love dressing smartly, managing a team of adults, using my qualifications and bringing money to the table. If I was WOHM we would also have a lot more money than we do no - DH has a good income but we live in a high rent area and have had to put off buying a house until the DC are in school and I can work again.The field I was in there aren’t many (any) part time positions so it had to be all or nothing for me. I’m so glad I made the choice I did but it’s definitely not cut and dry and there are advantages to both.

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1297595267051200&id=644465319030868&fs=5

Check out the image above......
If mothering is so unimport why are these (most likely female) employees being lauded on social media etc for doing their job in a motherly/maternal manner?????.........

*unimportant