AIBU giving up the violin?

[FollowYourOwnNorthStar]

I learnt the violin as a child, but stopped in my teenage years as the pieces became harder (requiring more time investment) and I wanted to spend my free time on my social life, not practicing - I think this is a typical story most people could say about learning an instrument in childhood.

I still enjoyed playing though, and carted the instrument around the uni halls and my own flats, playing every now and then, and buying new music when I wanted it.

A few years ago, life seemed more stable and I bit the bullet and found a teacher and enrolled in lessons. I explained to her that my life was busy and some weeks I might not have practiced or might not be able to attend as away for work trips, but for me the victory was just in the playing and learning.....quitting would be the failure to me.

Fast forward to now....I can’t make regular lessons and I am starting to dread the lessons I do make, as I haven’t done enough practice to make my teacher happy. I have tried reminding her of my original statement about work not always allowing me to practice. I’m a grown adult, and want lessons, I’m not a child who is watching tv instead of practicing!

I am starting to think of quitting lessons and going back to just playing when I want too. At least for a year to give myself a break and try and re- discover my love for it. My DP has stated he notices I never play anymore, except when practicing for lessons, and when I do, I don’t seem to enjoy it.

AIBU to quit? Or is this like that crunch time
In my teenage years and I need to re-focus and re-commit to ever get any better?

Is your teacher stealing your joy with this??

Could you find another to try if you really don't want to give it up or maybe a recreational type band that just get together to play instruments and have some fun.

Sorry I'm not of any help but my understanding of music and playing an instrument is that it should bring pleasure and at the moment you aren't getting that.

My teacher is a lovely man, so I feel even worse that he gives me the impression each week that I am letting him down. But you are right, I am getting no joy from it at the moment, I’m fact it makes me unhappy.

I guess i’m just wondering if it should be like exercise - where I hate going, but you do it for the benefits? Or if there are enough things in life I “have” to do whether I want to or not, and violin/music shouldn’t be in that basket?

I'd find another teacher.

Can you find a community orchestra to join instead? I can't always make rehearsals (though obviously make it a priority but sometimes life/work gets in the way) but playing with a group gives me a lot of joy and not too much pressure.

Yes have you ever played with an orchestra? I don’t play on my own much at all - I don’t get much enjoyment out of it - but playing together with other people is the best. Like previous poster I’m in an amateur orchestra which demands a reasonable commitment but everyone understands when you can’t make a rehearsal due to work etc. I don’t know what sort of standard you reached - my orchestra really needs grade 8 standard but I know of others which are more for fun and less demanding.

If you don't enjoy it then don't. As a teen and in my 20s I played guitar. I had an acoustic, an electric and a 12 string.
It became a chore.
I haven't held a guitar in 20 years.
It's quite liberating.

Orchestra was always the best bit for me.

Realistically you do need to have reasonably regular (and costly) lessons and practice time to improve. And many teachers will get fed up with very irregular lessons.

It’s a hobby: if it’s not fun it’s not “failure” to stop.

I would love a creative hobby but with work, DC, domestics etc think I only have time for one hobby and I do exercise since that has health benefits.

As an adult you shouldn’t be trying to make your teacher happy.
I am an adult learner of the piano and, like you, life and work often get in the way of practice time. I love practising but it’s almost a luxury. If I’ve had a bad practice week, my lesson is adapted accordingly. If I’m exhausted by lesson time, we do something fun and different.
My teacher is really motivating, but I don’t need or want her praise or approval particularly. It’s a partnership really.

I would have thought that unless you needed coaching to pass a specific exam, or you have a particular weak spot or you need the pressure of someone else's expectations to do any practice at all, you'd be ok listening to recordings and plugging away at pieces when you can. Alternatively, you could do e.g. a 45 min lesson a fortnight, or even just officially ad hoc in order to address any points of confusion - don't know if you have them weekly currently.
I play piano and don't want a teacher. I had lessons for 10 years before uni and am very grateful that I had them, but never enjoyed the sessions & now just want to learn new pieces, set my own pace, not have to worry about my musical education advancing evenly in all areas. I get such a buzz from playing what I like and love allowing myself to be led by my likes and interests rather than having to think strategically with the aim of steady improvement of technique etc, which I think all teachers will prioritise to some degree. I mean, do you particularly want to have gained specific skills by this time next year, or are you happy being around the same level indefinitely? If it's the former, I think you can do this without a teacher's guidance if you are motivated and realistic, and if it's the latter, then just relax and take your cue from what you enjoy - we don't always have to be pursuing this relentless upward trajectory, esp. if you're not trying get to Grade XYZ in time for UCAS or whatever!
You might find that playing pieces which you find difficult are more interesting to you anyway, and make some small and obvious progress naturally over time through persevering with those (e.g. getting to grips with tricky bits feckin polyrhythms which crop up in later pieces), or you might stick at one level and really broaden your range there.

I found this quite useful, as find it hard to guess approx. level of a piece before I start to learn: Violin from p. 48

Good luck, whatever you decide - playing music is such a unique joy, would be a pity to become discouraged because you haven't found the right learning format for you. I think if someone has at least basic skills already and can stay motivated despite not making rapid progress, they'll be fine on their own.

I had a thorough, stern teacher in my teens: I don’t recall ever pleasing her! Even when got distinctions in exams. It didn’t matter at all, I progressed well and enjoyed the lessons.

Even better than an orchestra, though sometimes harder to find, is a nice group of like-minded people to play chamber music with. If you have children, they often start playing too. I loved the violin because of my mother's quartet reading parties, which I started joining in with when I was about 5.

I think a teacher for an adult sometimes works best when you have a specific goal: for instance, you might ask your teacher to help you feel more comfortable with your bow arm, and you might ask for some help with your vibrato, so you can be more relaxed and have a bigger range of colours in your sound. If you joined a group, you might ask a teacher for help working on your part, so it is more fun to play in your orchestra or quartet.

You could plan a couple of lessons with your teacher (or with a different teacher) to work on these things, and get some help or advice about things you can do on your own to keep working on them.

My problem as a teacher is that when a pupil, adult or child, isn't making progress I feel like I am taking their money for nothing and I hate that. It makes me feel like a theif.

Perhaps explain to your teacher again that sometimes the lesson will be a practice session as you just don't have the time.

You seem unsure whether your teacher is a man or a woman...

But anyway, if you want to improve, you're going to need to practise. If you don't want to improve, just remind the teacher that the lessons are for fun and you won't be practising.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I have been reading them all and thinking about what to do. I think I will email my teacher and explain my position, how I am feeling and ask if we can continue in a more relaxed way, or if this is a deal breaker/not satisfactory for him, then regrettably I will have to stop lessons. If that occurs, I will have a 6 month break and with the aim of resuming lessons then, or learning in another form, such as a local orchestra or another teacher but more sporadic lessons (once a month, maybe?)

I am composing the email now, I feel better for having found a middle course. I would have felt like a failure to stop, but I can’t continue as is!

parrotonmyshoulder the relationship
You have with your teacher is exactly what I would like to have with mine. I will try and phrase it like this in the email I send him.

Jobbieshitkakaboudin I think this might be how my teacher feels? I have tried to tell him several times that I don’t mind how long I spend on some things, I just want to keep moving forward, no matter how small the progress is from lesson to lesson or year to year. I just want to enjoy violin and not feel guilty. When I go to a yoga class, I don’t feel bad if I didn’t make the previous week’s class!

Pengggwn I changed some details (gender, years learnt etc) to make it less outing. A clear fail on my part when I forgot and revealed my teacher actually is a man!

I was going to say like previous posters is there an orchestra you can join? Like an exercise class rather than a personal trainer! You don't mention what sort of standard you play but there is a wide range of ensembles out there. Or I have had occasional lessons with a couple of teachers on a more occasional basis, often in school holidays when their school pupils are off, rather than take up a regular slot.

Can you really not find say half an hour a day to practise? It's hard to envisage a lifestyle that is as busy as that.

Gnu, are you joking? You can’t envisage a lifestyle where people don’t have a spare half hour a day for a leisure activity?

GnotherGnu yes, there are days when I can’t find half an hour to practice. To be truthful, in fact there are many weeks where I can’t find half an hour in the entire week to practice.

However, I am glad your life does give you these opportunities, and I hope you are able to take advantage of them with a hobby/interest of your choosing.

Well, yes, parrot. Obviously there will be some days when it's not doable, but the vast majority of busy people manage to find time to watch TV, for instance.

Yes, thanks, Follow, I took up the saxophone when my kids were little and I was working in quite a heavy duty non 9-5 job, and usually managed to find time to practise every day.