My partner does not acknowledge any occasion

[Pembee]

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have had some really bad times however we have a baby who is one and a son who Is 15 (my step son who lives with us). My partner has never acknowledged any occasion such as birthdays, christmas, Valentine's day with me. However her does acknowledge others (mostly the kids) on theese occasions but never me. I have asked him to explain but he gets really defensive and starts to home in on what I'm not doing wrong in the relationship. I really don't know what to think about this any more any advice would be appreciated.

Do you acknowledge his occasions?

Birthday, father’s day etc?

Sounds pretty sad OP. Why wouldn't he want to celebrate you at all?

I can understand not wanting to do valentines day, but not even a birthday card? A cake? A christmas card/nice pair of jammies?

He is selfish.

A month before your birthday say to him, “I would really like xxx for my birthday this year. It is one month from now. And can you help the kids make a big deal of it please? Can you take them to xxx and have them choose a cake on xxx date?”

Repeat 2 weeks ahead.

Repeat 1 week ahead.

Repeat the day before.

Some people don’t see adult birthdays as a big deal. Don’t get upset and have an argument about the whys. Just calmly tell him what you expect in a relationship.

If you do all this and he deliberately doesn’t take the necessary steps to make you happy, then you have a problem.

Sounds a bit strange. Has he got any family you could ask about it? I mean whether he has had some terrible, traumatic event?

My dh is like this. I don't tend to complain about it because I like to see other people's joy when we make their 'special occasions'...well...special, but for the 24 hours that I am not thought of as important enough to make an effort for....then yes I get pissed off. I have no answer for you but I send you and

When does he make you feel loved & special?

adult 'occasions' are a bit of a Marmite thing, some make a fuss about them, some dont. What happens the rest of the time?

Is he living and romantic in other ways on different days?

Does he do anything special for you? Ever? I would feel very sad in your position. My husband and I have never made a big deal over birthdays and holidays, but we both always do something to make these days special. We also both frequently surprise each other with little gestures just because. I deeply appreciate my husband and I know he appreciates me, and we both know how important it is to show it. Have you talked to him about this?

I think some people just don't like forced 'occasions' and being told to celebrate on a particular day. My DP just won't get involved in valentine's/mother's/father's Day at all. He is good with birthdays and ok with Christmas though. and he is generally loving, just doesn't like to be told which day to be appreciative! Is you DP generally loving OP?

Er, it’s been 11 years! This is who he is and him not acknowledging occasions important to you is the price you’ve chosen to pay to be with him.

Although a little blunt, Isetan is very correct.

I'm sorry this has bothered you for 11 years but as it's been acceptable for so long, your DP probably doesn't understand why suddenly now, you have an issue with the arrangement - which may be why he gets defensive.

You've asked for an explanation but he might see it as you criticising his actions that have been deemed perfectly fine for so long. So perhaps him homing in on what else is wrong with the relationship could be the lack of communication?

Do acknowledge his birthday, him at christmas, Valentine's day, Father's day? Does accept cards and gifts from you?

I cannot imagine being with someone so mean of spirit.

A previous poster asked what does he do that is nice for you?

This is me. I rarely remember adult birthdays, we don’t do any of the usual celebrations (mother’s / fathers / Valentine’s Day), and Christmas is pretty much for the kids. I love my DH and family very much and tell them often. Bits of cardboard and presents aren’t necessary.

Thanks for the feedback. I do celebrate his birthday and fathers day etc. He is kind in other ways and does cook lovely food and look after the family. It just upsets me that he doesn't want to say happy ..... Day if that makes sense it makes me feel like he doesn't value me. I don't need a present or anything like that just acknowledgement would be nice

Why would you have a child with a man you believe doesn't value you?

It's been eleven years, it's obviously who he is and very unlikely he will change to suit you.

So what if it's been 11 years? You don't have to STFU and accept something that bothers you. No one does. It's not very healthy to just accept shit behaviour because well it's been going on for ages so I can't speak up now is it? Maybe it didn't bother you so much at first but as life got harder and more tiring maybe it does now and there's nothing wrong with that.

OP I'd tackle it with him and whenever he turns it back on you and tries to shut you down say "ok but we are not talking about that right now we are talking about this and I will be more than happy to discuss your issues when we've finished".

I don't think he's being very nice.

He's acknowledging other people's occasions, but not OP's. So he can do it, just not hers.

My ex was like that and I felt so unappreciated. I left him after 3 decades.

If he does it for other people, then he's deliberately leaving you out OP. I don't know why you've put up with it for so long.

He knows he's in the wrong, that's why he tries to turn it around on you when you bring it up. If he refuses to discuss it, you'll have to decide if you'll carry on and accept it, or leave the relationship.

Why doesn't he want to make you happy? It's such a simple thing you're asking of him.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who willingly disregards my feelings.

Why do you do it for him?
apart from cooking, what else does he do for you to make you feel loved?

One of the reasons why we celebrate each other’s birthdays and Mother’s Day/Father’s Day is to show our children that we value each other. I get why you are upset that he doesn’t - for many reasons, including the example he sets for your children.

He's probably read Mumsnet and realises that for some people it doesn't matter what the man does, it's not enough ('I got a text but not a card from DSD - DH should have sorted it' or 'He only spent £x on me' etc.)!!