To not invite my DM to join us when we were away visiting my DSis and her family?

[Lizzie48]

We had a lovely time away with my DSis and her family at half term. Our DDs love to spend time with their cousins, we hardly saw them at all. It was really relaxing and I felt like we all benefited. We also took our 19 year old French au pair with us, it was a chance for her to see more of the UK during her year here to learn English.

All great. But then when we got back, my DM, who had come back from Africa, complained that we hadn't invited her to come with us, and couldn't get why we'd taken our French au pair with us instead of her. But I knew that she had already arranged with my DSis to visit her the following weekend. And we knew we would be able to see her separately.

The fact is that my DSis and I are coming to terms with the bad things that happened to us when we were children and seeing DM brings things back so it makes the time hard to cope with. My DM is also very controlling, she takes over any family time and really stresses out those around her.

Anyway, I was shocked at her jealousy of the fact that we invited our au pair to join us. It didn't occur to me not to invite her, she loved it and she was a great help with all the children, 5 in all! (She entered into all the fun they were having with real gusto.)

So were we unkind not to include our DM? It wasn't like she wasn't going to see us!!

YANBU.
Enjoy your time and make sure you continue to visit without your DM present or she will start to expect to come every time

As a mother, I love it when I hear that my children have got together without me instigating it. I feel that I have done a good job of raising loving siblings. So no, YANBU.

That's just it, she didn't ask us to tell her all about what we'd done, she didn't even want to know. Surely that's the normal response? It was all about her, that she hadn't been invited to join us.

YANBU. My mother is the same, OP. My Dsis and I largely don’t tell her if we’ve met up without her as she strops for ages afterwards. When she’s there everything revolves around her and it’s been very hard for us to develop a separate relationship. We’re working on it though. I believe it’s called triangulation - people who want to make everyone else’s relationships run through them. It’s very odd - I have two very small DSs so am a long way off them doing things together without me but I love the idea of it! Like Zadoc I think I’d be thrilled if they grow up to want to do stuff together!

Me too, @AveAtqueVale especially as our DDs are adopted and birth sisters, we went through a lot to bring them up together.

The problem for us is that our DM is a Facebook friend so obviously she saw our posts of our holiday. Instead of just pressing 'like' and writing a comment, which is what most people do, she had to make it about her.

The problem is, if she had been there it wouldn't have been the relaxing time it was. She's her own worst enemy.

You should lock down your Facebook so she can’t see what you post. She does not have to see everything you post and of course you can see your dsis without her. Don’t let her get to you.

I'll remember that in future, @Gide I was shocked at the pettiness. I suppose it's because in the past we have included her. I think we'll be doing things without her more often now, as it really was so liberating not walking on eggshells.