I've always been a people-pleaser but these days I feel like it comes at the expense of having any real personality of my own.
A few years ago I had a major falling out with a girl at my university (not 100% either person's fault, just one of those miscommunications that spirals) and she managed to turn our entire friendship circle against me. I lost a lot of people who I had considered my friends (clearly not, with hindsight) and it left me feeling very lonely and hurt. Ever since then I'm so desperate that nothing I say can ever be misconstrued or twisted into something unintentionally unkind that I spend my lift walking on eggshells around other people. I always want to be the "nice" one, never saying anything remotely controversial or opinionated just incase it offends someone . The sad thing is because I'm so nicey-nice and polite all the time I struggle to let people get to know the real me, so although I have plenty of acquaintances I don't have any real friends.
I seem incapable of holding a strong opinion of my own, I bend over backwards for other people to avoid conflict or and I let other people muck me about a lot before I would ever dream of calling them out on it as I'm so terrified of alienating more people.
I'm such a doormat. I'm so aware that I do all this but I can't seem to stop myself. I wasn't always like this. Once upon a time I was strong willed and vivacious and had a sense of humour. I don't even try to share a laugh with anyone anymore incase my friendly teasing or well intended jokes cause offence. I'm so bland I can't stand it.
AIBU to ask if anyone else has ever felt like this and what you did you gain your sense of self back? Are there assertiveness blogs or podcasts I can use? Sayings or phrases I should be reminding myself of? Hobbies or activities that made you more confident?