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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off about DHs unnecessary work trips?

12 replies

nomorespaghetti · 10/03/2018 14:15

My DH works in IT, quite senior and doing very well. Separate to his full time job, he occasionally does some freelance teaching for an IT training service. The courses that he teaches are a week long, in London, all expenses are paid and he gets paid to do them (not much). Teaching these courses has given him some kudos in his field, but he's now quite senior in his role and the teaching wouldn't necessarily impress recruiters in the same way now that it did when he was lower down the ladder. He enjoys doing it, and catches up with friends every night when he's finished for the evening.

Before we had DC I was happy for him to go off and do these courses, although I missed him. But since we had DC I'm getting increasingly irritated and bitter that I'm expected to provide childcare while he goes off for a week on an unnecessary trip. He's due back from a course tonight and I'm exhausted. We have one DC who has a disability, and she hasn't been sleeping well, and I'm pregnant and feel like shit.

We are very equal partners at home, and DH does a lot with DD when he's home, although he does work long hours, so I am primary carer. I rely on him, and he relies on me, and we are a good team.

I am resentful of him using up a week of A/L to go teach, when I feel we should spend holiday time together as a family. I am resentful of being expected to provide childcare for what I feel is essentially a lovely working jolly. We do argue because he wants to do more and more of these courses, and i find it unfair. I rarely get time off home life, and certainly never for a week. He doesn't travel much for his FT job, but if he did of course i wouldn't mind stepping up, as his job is our main source of income.

Please be gentle, I'm fucking tired. AIBU to be pissed off about this, and ask that he refrains from these courses while we have small children?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 10/03/2018 14:17

Can you not go to London with him? Get the company who pays for his accommodation to book an air b apartment in a top London location. Quite often they are cheaper than the hotels

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/03/2018 14:23

YANBU! Especially if he's wanting to do more and more such weeks, all greatly increasing your workload and not even bringing in much money (especially once his nights out are factored in). If he were travelling for his actual job at least it wouldn't be using annual leave. Could he at least see whether his work would allow him unpaid leave if they appreciate the kudos?

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/03/2018 14:37

Very entitled to feel resentful. I would be.
You are stuck home while he goes away on working trips essentially for his enjoyment and escape!
What's going to happen when baby arrives? Will he continue doing these extra trips?
Sounds like he's putting his needs (pleasure and career side-line) before the needs of his family.
Flowers

RemainOptimistic · 10/03/2018 14:39

YANBU. He's taking the piss but probably hasn't realised how badly yet.

Show him in no uncertain terms. Ask him to point out where your childfree and housework free week of fun work and catching up with mates is.

MarshaBradyo · 10/03/2018 14:40

Yanbu especially as he uses AL

Trailedanderror · 10/03/2018 14:41

YANBU at all. I train, and tbh if you are good at it, it's a real jolly! It's not work. And if he's taking leave to do it, and leaving you in the lurch he's being utterly selfish, particularly if there's no career benefit for him.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 14:43

He's using annual leave for that? No way! You're punished twice over - once for him being away and again because he's missing a week with the family.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/03/2018 14:59

Yabu to refer to yourself as 'providing childcare'. They are your children.

If you deem his work trips now unnecessary then Yanbu to resent his time-off especially if he is using his annual leave to do them. Then it essentially leaves you firefighting at home.

What does he say when you raise this with him?

And keep in mind - even if it doesn't impress recruiters as much as it did when he was less senior, it does keep him 'relevant' in the field. Teaching is as much about learning as it is about teaching - especially in a fast evolving field such as IT.

You're tired and pregnant and have small dc - you are understandably frustrated. You say you are otherwise a good team, so on balance I'd say yabu.

FluffyWuffy100 · 10/03/2018 15:03

Hang on, he uses AL?? They aren’t work trips then, they are his hobby.

WhataLovelyPear · 10/03/2018 15:13

You are not being unreasonable, but probably best not to talk to him about it right now when you are exhausted.

ExH was incredibly selfish - basically viewed the DC as my problem while he carried on as if he was still childless. From what you say, though, your DH is very good normally - it's just this one thing. He's probably justifying it to himself because it's work - maybe you could explain more that it doesn't feel like that from your end. Rather than trying to stop him, focus instead on evening it up and push for a week away by yourself while he holds the fort. If he's a reasonable person, he will see that as only fair, or he might voluntarily decide to give up on the teaching.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 10/03/2018 15:42

If he's being paid to teach I don't think it's fair for people to call him selfish. He is providing for his family which is hardly the crime of the century. When the new baby arrives I think it's totally fair to ask him not to go for a while.

nomorespaghetti · 10/03/2018 17:16

Thanks all, glad to hear IANB(too)U. It's been a long bloody week. I don't think it's an unreasonable sacrifice for him to make for the time being to give up the teaching, especially as I've also made career sacrifices for dc. The fact that it does keep him current is i think the only thing that gives me pause, it's a valid point. Re taking unpaid leave, we'd then be down on his normal pay, as the teaching pay doesn't cover what he'd normally earn in a week.

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