To restrict grandmothers time

[Nkhutch]

This is a long one, but I'm hoping someone can help. My daughter and mother have a great bond. She has been actively involved in her life ( we lived with her) for 5 years and in that time she helped me out a hell of a lot which I am very grateful for. We did clash on parenting on a regular basis however I passed it over as she did look after my daughter alot when we lived with her.
Fast forward to 18 months ago when I moved in with my partner with who I am now are expecting a baby. We have managed childcare very well if she's not at work she has her and vice versa so my mum hasn't had the same amount of time with my daughter as she used to. My mum was awful with my for months after I'd moved out because she would have to financially support herself from then on and we didn't talk for quite a while other than me receiving horrible messages and sticking up for myself
As time has gone on I've noticed my mum has continued to do what she likes with my daughter reguardless of me asking her to bring her up my way. She feeds her ridiculously large amounts of food ( an adults sized plate for each meal and then atleast 2 pudding and snacks of chocolate and crisps in between ). She also insists on sleeping on the floor next to her bed, and despite me telling her this is causing me issues when's she's at mine ( she won't settle alone) she ignores me and carries on. She also allows her to go to bed up to 3 hours later than what I consider a reasonable time. I have ended up stopping my daughter staying overnight and I am still having issues with her bedtime. recently my mum went on a school trip with my daughter something my daughter was very excited about. However when she got back she told us how my mum had gone on about not seeing her no more and she will be having her overnight again soon ( my daughter is aware at the minute she currently can't go overnight) and said that her grandma was quite "mardy" with her the whole trip. Of course I am going to have a word with my mum about this but aibu to wat to stop her staying there for a while. My mum is more than welcome to come to mine to see my daughter but doesn't bother anymore. I don't want to hurt either or them but I need to gain control over parenting my own child again. I do also want to state my daughter doesn't ask to go over there and I don't say anything about my mum to my daughter apart from explaining what she can't stay overnight for a while. She is teaching my child, imo, that she doesn't need to listen to me and can do what she wants. My daughter is also being told that when the baby is born she will have to go live with her grandma or her dad and I am starting to wonder if it is indeed my mum telling her this as my daughter is adamant she has to live with her soon .

The food issue is enough alone for me to want to reduce contact. That amount of food is verging on cruelty imv.

I think you need to make sure that your DD knows she will living with you and the baby and slowly reduce the time she spends with her gran and these kind of lies can be damaging.

My daughter would ask for it which is a problem also. Since getting up at 9 morning my daughter has had breakfast ( wertabix) had her lunch which is similar to what shed have as a packed lunch and asked for fruit also. She would graze constantly if not stopped so we do restrict her. My mum the other week have her an adults sized sausage chips and egg, a muffin ( there are bloody huge and one makes me feel sick ) crisps and then she was eating something when I got there two and she was only round for tea 🤦🏻‍♀️

#onlyoldontheoutside we are trying our hardest with her. She has become quite a compulsive liar lately which I think she has gotten from my mum. It's far beyond the normal 7!year old lying

How old is your daughter?

She sounds manipulative and possibly emotionally abusive. I think you're right to limit contact, especially unsupervised visits.

I don't think what your daughter has eaten today is too much? That is only breakfast, her average school lunch and fruit would be her mid morning snack. I also don't see the issue with sausage egg & chips and a muffin? She's not being forced to eat all of it?

I just think you clearly don't like your Mum very much??

You seem really fixated on how much your child eats? Like an unhealthy amount.

I would say definitely take a step back from seeing your mum. I would only let her see your daughter when you are present to watch what happens.
You'll need to focus on having your daughter around a lot to make sure she is aware that nothing changes when the baby is born and she is still a part of the family. Have you made a plan on who will have your daughter while you are in hospital?
I'd really emphasise including your daughter in getting ready for the baby so your mum can't talk her into feeling left out.
It's not about what your mum is actually doing, it's the fact she is going against your wishes. And you as a parent get to make those decisions, correct her if she says something in front of your daughter that is wrong. And explain to her if she can't follow how you are raising your child then she won't be allowed any unsupervised visit, even just afternoon ones.

Maybe I need to expand on that W little I'm Not fixated on what she had eaten at all in fact my daughter has a good variety diet which I am proud of . I was trying to say that within 3 hours she's had 2 meals and some fruit which yes that is fine of course I'm not denying that but she would constantly eat and eat and eat as in as soon as she has eaten she asks for more. And used to snack a lot during meals. She doesn't go hungry at all and I thought she was I would give her some food. At my mums my daughter constantly has her head on the fridge eating snack after snack My mum provides my daughter with adult sized meals which is the issue not the actually food itself. My daughter is overweight so we are really keen on giving her properly proportioned sized meals and healthy snacks, puddings that include fruit. Something that my mum is aware of but refuses to follow It's true that me and my mum don't get along at the minute but I would never have that come between her seeing her granddaughter at the end of the day I don't have to go in and talk to my mum I can just drop her off or she can come here

I would be angry with the emotional manipulation. Her behaviour on the school trip was terrible.

I understand that gp might want to spoil their gc but she should have stopped with the overloading of food, late bedtimes etc as soon as you asked. Overnight stays are a privilege and not a right.

I think I’d reduce the amount of time your dd spends alone with your mother. She is abusing her by over feeding her :(

It seems a bit like you were willing to put up with everything when it was convenient to you but now you have a DP you aren't?

My MIL used to have BIL's DS once or twice a week from about 6 months old: the amount of junk food she used to feed him horrified me. I was there once with my DS, and she gave him a bag of Maltesers, 3 chocolate digestives, 2 plain biscuits, a packet of crisps, and an ice cream - all in less than an hour! She used to tell him not to listen to BIL, 'because Daddy is stupid' and turned him into a rude and confused little boy. BIL would ask her not to feed him certain foods, and she would agree to his face, but feed the child them anyway. You obviously know what's right for your child and you sound like you're doing a good job: I think your DM has decided that she will do what she wants regardless, to the detriment of your DD's health and wellbeing. It's like she's on a mission to get one over on you. Your DD is going to be very confused if you are doing things one way, and your DM the exact opposite.

I would be very upset about the way your mum guilt-tripped your dd on the school trip. She seems to be physically abusing her by over feeding and emotionally abusing her by guilt-tripping and blackmail.

I would let your mum visit only when you are present to supervise

Just make sure you're always present when your mum is with your daughter from now on.

@DalekDalekDalek some things yes but not these. For example she wouldn't agree on outfits dd wore and Didn't agree on my disciplining of her. In terms of the issues I have now I had the control of meals and bedtime so they weren't the problem. I let petty things go, like the things you'd bite your tongue at etc. Nothing to do with dp at all