Can there be equality in a relationship with disparate wealth?

[FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin]

Can there be emotional equality in a relationship with disparate wealth. Surely there is always something the elephant in the room.

I earn so much more than you and if this ends your quality of life goes down dramatically

Does it make a difference if say

1. Both are working and the ‘poorer’ one could still rent a bed sit or something if they separated I.e. not completely destitute.

1. Where one person does not have any marketable skills and would be completely fucked if they had to go it alone?

Some instances e.g. married for years where both partners have gone from schooldays or similar with one supporting the other to build up their career do not fall into that category as they have helped to create the conditions for that wealth. I’m talking more about where at the beginning of the relationship there is already a great imbalance of wealth.

Is the highlighted bit a quote that someone said to you? If so, what a horrible thing to say!

I have no personal experience as I met DH when we were both poor students. I think it's possible in theory (to have an equal relationship) but I wouldn't want to put all my eggs in one basket e.g. hoping to marry rich boyfriend and that's my life sorted and would work on upskilling myself in case it doesn't work out.

I teach and earn a reasonable salary. DH is a consultant with an outrageous salary. When we met I owned my own home (my parents had helped me leave Uni without debts and buy a property) while DH lived at home and grew up with ridiculously wealthy parents.

The main time we found it caused problems were when we bought our home together after a few years; I insisted that we put down equal amounts and that the mortgage had to be able to be split equally, which meant that instead of looking at £800,000 properties we went lower. Our house is beautiful and we're happy but I needed to know that if it went tits-up that the DC wouldn't need to be uprooted.

The second time it reared its head was when DS2 was born. DH firmly believed that juggling DCs plus my job was too much and that I needed to take a few years off. I refused, knowing that by taking too long out of teaching I'd be less likely to return. We argued back and forth and he accepted that I wouldn't compromise on my work.

More problems would have arisen had I not dug my heels in over certain areas. I've no problem that he pays for holidays, I've no problem that he earns more in a week than I do in a month. The problem would be if the basics weren't equal, if I was reliant upon him.

What camomila says.

Someone actually saying the words you quoted sounds like a total arsewipe incapable of emotional equality.

Personally I wouldn’t want an ‘eggs all in one basket’ scenario, and dh and I earn at a similar level anyway.

Sounds very sensible idont.

Op, if the bold in your op is a quote either said to or by you, then it really doesn't bode well for the relationship & I'd get out now.

It's not something I've had personal experience of as DH & I met at work & have both progressed very well, so are pretty much equal financially. I have seen friends who have married very well & been stay at home mums & it's worked out fine for them but it's very much 'family money' (obviously that's an outsider looking in, but one friend in particular is very open & we're very close & never needs to wait until her DH gets home to respond about trips away, money isn't an issue for them).

If you don't feel equal, then the relationship won't be equal. Regardless of wealth, you're both equal partners (or at least should be).

Caveat what I said with - my friends in this situation are still married, no idea if they have contingency plans in place for divorce (but would expect they'd be entitled to half so would be well off regardless).

No. But mostly because of the "message" coming in all the time from this materialistic society. Childcare and managing a house are treated with complete contempt in this country.
I get it all the time how it's a waste of my skills, intelligence even that I am a waste of oxygen as I don't earn.

Not from my partner. But the message is constantly there and it affects things.

No one has said that and I’m not in that situation. I was just wondering if that could be a subtext running though the relationship.

Idonbeloeveinthemoon

Elegant and healthy solutions.

I’m just wondering if I would be able to have such a relationship. If money would overshadow personalities.

OP, I would say it's possible. Equality in a relationship is more about mutual respect and resilience, rather than money.

I've NC to give you our scenario. When I met DH, I was in a standard graduate type job. He had never planned to go into banking, but had an opportunity and ran with it. He never thought his job was more "worthy" than mine, in fact, he had more respect for the kind if work I did. The way he saw it was, if you have a shot at £1 m bonuses every year, you might as well go with it.

We bought our first house joint, for 750k in 2002. Obviously, his earnings enabled this, but by then we were married and our finances were always joint. He got burnt out in banking and told me he had a ten year plan for a start-up business. I agreed I would support him. We had several DC and I gave up work for that ten years. About 3 years ago, he sold one of his companies for a headline amount. But he still says "we" did it as a family because it's been our lifestyle for the past twelve years. All our property is in both our names (and/ or the DC's names) as are other investments.

If so met him now, I might feel a bit out of my depth, money-wise, or that things were not equal. Having said that, he has friends who are multi-millionaires who have met and married women later in life and it doesn't seem to be an issue at all. In fact, some of his friends are quite "needy" (e.g. addictive personality traits) and rely on their wives more than the other way round. When you have a lot of money, you realise there are more important things.

I’m just wondering if I would be able to have such a relationship. If money would overshadow personalities.

Without wanting to speak for any relationship but my own, DH and I haven't found that the money overshadows anything so far; it's simply not the biggest feature of our marriage. We're a great team together; I (hope that I) bring out the best in him and he absolutely brings out the best in me.

He has friends who grew up similarly wealthy and there's a definite divide between the ones who feel their money gives them a free ride and those who grew up to believe that it's not their defining feature. The ones with the attitude have often made poor choices with relationships and, as they've reached their forties, are mostly divorced cliches with a chip on their shoulder about women only wanting them for one thing while the ones who've put less emphasis on money seem to still be in their first marriages and appear to be far happier to the outside world.

There's a definite disparity between how each 'type' have raised their DCs, too, and it's opened my eyes to the fact that growing up privileged can be too much of a good thing for some children. Fortunately ours aren't too spoiled or ridiculous, and we're just dysfunctional enough to have given them a bit of humour and resilience.

Of course it's possible. You both have to have healthy attitudes to money and be willing to work as a team, rather than as two individuals.