Sleep wars with DH - help!

[CatRen27]

I feel like I'm going a bit mad thinking about this and need your opinions please..

Dh often works late into the night (not a shift worker) and its usually without warning, and he can come home as late as 2am. Meanwhile I'm at home (i work from home part time) looking after our almost 3yo dd. It's so lonely in the evenings.

The main thing is sleep. DD has been waking through the night over the last month 2-3 times and i get up with her as dh is so tired doing crazy hours. But I'm also now exhausted. DD is sick and last night i was up every hour with her. In the morning i was so tired and told dh, but all he said was "i only got to sleep at 2 so I'm tired too" - no acknowledgement of my shit time looking after OUR child. I had to push quite hard to get more sleep and he's been moody with me ever since.

Was i BU and should have let him sleep give he'd only had 5 hours sleep after a killer day? Or was it reasonable to be the one to sleep?

This is not a one off but an example of how things have evolved, usually ends with me having to get up in the am and then he sleeps in for 15 minutes and gets up anyway..

Thanks

Does he need to work those hours! Does it benefit his salary? If not then he needs to come home earlier. He will have to sacrifice some of his work dedication to make way for his family obligations.

If he is working this much, being financially rewarded for the overtime and you're relying on the additional money to keep the family going then I think you need to let him sleep.

I would put dd in bed with me and dh in her bed.

If he has to work to those hours then I'd say he needs to sleep depending on what time he gets up? Does your dd do pre school when you can catch up with some sleep or put a dvd on for her and you can nap on sofa? It all depends on ou husbands job and what time he starts but if you are are home you are able to have easier days if your tired like the above put on a dvd and have a sofa day it's hard for both of you.

On the sleep front; sounds as though you are both tired, so maybe take turns?

I’m also sleep deprived (baby waking every 2 hrs like clockwork, she’s nearly 1, not a newborn!) so I feel for you.

I do think you need a convo about the long hours and how it’s affecting family life. I appreciate that sometimes needs must, but it may not be he right job now you have a young child?

Thanks for your messages.

DH starts at 8am, doesn't get overtime but is paid a decent bonus although we don't rely on that per se. I work long hours the days my dd is at nursery (plus doing all of the morning and evening routine with her), and no way of sleeping when I'm off with her so not really as if i have it easier.

I guess there isn't much to do other than alternate and suck it up. I just find it hard to be solely responsible for dc plus doing my own work which is not a walk in the park.. if i have to work late its a real faff getting him home in time to manage dc bedtime nonsense.. must be so great to have a wife, i think i need one.

He leaves for work at 8am and gets home at 2am! Sounds like he's abdicated from parenting and being part of the family.

He's choosing to put work first. That's not acceptable. You need to discuss why he feels he needs to work these hours, how it's affecting you and what you feel needs to change.

I agree he's choosing this lifestyle. Ultimately if his bonus isn't relied on then it's value is up for debate in the face of its impacting on both of your health.

If he was bringing in a substantial amount or you weren't working then I would lean more towards compromising (compromise because no matter who's working if you're sleep deprived you're sleep deprived - no one continues like that if they have options and partners are meant to support each other).

Hi all thanks for your supportive replies. It all escalated last night in tears and a big chat, we're both feeling taken for granted and unhappy about how things are going so will do more planning to spend time together, maybe see a counsellor and we took last night in turns which worked much better. Turns out talking it through always works best...