To suggest DH drinks a bit less?

[howmuchtoomuch]

Have NC for this as it could be quite outing. It might be long because I don't want to drip feed.

DH has always liked a drink, and he works in a creative industry where going for a pint is the go-to form of meeting and greeting. His dad liked a drink too, and a smoke, and he died last year without having reached his 60th birthday.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant and we have a 3yo DC. I'm obviously not drinking while pregnant and prior to this really only enjoyed the odd G&T on a Friday night, on occasion.

DH came home last night with a bottle of wine and drank half of it, which I know isn't hugely shocking in itself but he'd already consumed two bottles of wine between Sat and Weds, and numerous bottles/cans of beer (more than ten, don't know exact number), oh and a couple of G&T's.

He generally starts drinking at about 6 with a beer or a G&T, then progresses to wine as the evening goes on. Pretty much every evening. I think this is too much. He thinks it's pretty normal, but I think he's comparing himself to his father - who used to smash through a bottle of red wine a night and top it off with brandy. I don't think three bottles of wine a week for one person is normal. And the beer and gin. It must be costing us over £100 a month.

DH has also promised to give up smoking before new DC is born but shows no signs of doing that either tbh.

I know that people are going to say 'you knew what he was like when you married him' and you're right, I did. But generally my friends who met and married in their twenties calmed down their drinking a bit once DC came on the scene, my husband never got that memo.

DH has just asked me to drive him to the craft beer shop (he can't drive for medical reasons) so he can get some beers for the weekend, and I agreed, but now I feel like saying no. Because I think he's drinking too much. But maybe I'm being U?!

What do you think?!

Oh right ok, just me then. Well I think he's being a bit u!

It sounds a lot. Does he thinks he drinks too much?
If you are constantly around people drinking it seems the norm.
Can he go for long without a drink?

Yes it's too much the recommended weekly alcohol units are 14 per week.

It sounds a fair amount. Maybe just open up the conversation. I like a drink too and never get pissed so it doesn’t hugely impact on anyone but obviously it won’t be doing my health a great deal of good. Smoking and drinking together is a real health risk though,

It’s his body and life but you don’t have to be happy about it and you don’t have to facilitate it either.

I think it does sound like a lot. My husband has recently started to cut back, he works late and would often unwind with a beer or wine most nights.
The only thing that has got him thinking recently is a desire to get fit. His PT said his alcohol consumption amounts to at least 8000 calories a week which would need 3 gym sessions to compensate.
He's committed to not drinking Monday-Thursday.
I think they have to get to a point where they want to change, but you have to find a way to make them think. Maybe working out how much it's costing a week/month?

Gawd. How many units in a bottle of wine I wonder... googles ... 10!

Well. There we go then.

I think the smoking needs to stop before the baby arrives. The drinking, if it’s annoying you, needs to calm down.

Ask him to go a month without drinking and see if it's easy for him.

I've told him he's sleeping in the spare room if he's still smoking when the baby arrives.

Jesus yes that's a lot!
Does he do much with the dc? Anything at night? How will he be of any help with a newborn if he's always pissed!

Everyone's normal is different. You've very different views on drinking. But just like he can't force you to drink, you can't force him not to. Refusing to take him to buy beer isn't the way.

You can tell him you're concerned and would like him to cut back. However doing so has to be his decision, not something you force. Because it will never work and he will resent you.

YANBU. I wouldn't share my life with someone like this as we'd be incompatible.

But at the same time you can't change him. Only he can change himself. Sure you can make your feelings known and explain why you want him to cut down (health, finances, etc). But only he can choose to.

I think this is one of those scenarios where you can make your case but then have to decide whether to live with it or walk away. I know it's difficult to do with kids and a marriage and you love him, but is that enough to tolerate living with someone who drinks like this? You have what happened to his dad looming in your shared future if he doesn't change and you stay.

Much sympathy. My mum was dead before sixty due to drink too. No way would I ever tolerate being with someone going down that same path.

You say he promised to quit by the baby being born... did you ask him to quit and ask him to promise?

As if you did that must have been a pretty firm boundary for you. Yet your most recent post says if he is still smoking he's going in the spare room. So you've already basically told him if he does continue to smoke that's fine, his sleeping arrangement will be affected (wouldn't that be a bonus for a new dad not to have to be woken by baby?) but that's all.

Only he can change. But by setting boundaries then trashing them you're only enabling it to continue.

wouldn't that be a bonus for a new dad not to have to be woken by baby?

Valid point. He might just keep smoking to make it happen. For many that would be a reward not a punishment.

Exactly.

I want to convey that his actions are his alone OP and you're not responsible for what he does or doesn't do, only whether you choose to stay with him or not.

But that just jumped out at me like a foghorn, one minute 'he promised to quit before baby' next minute 'if you don't quit you can sleep in the other room'

Aren't promises meaningful in your relationship at all? In mine the word promise, though it sounds childish, means an awful lot. It's a commitment. To break it breaks trust. I wouldn't promise something I wasn't going to do and I'd fully expect my OH to walk away if I broke his trust by promising to do something then just... not.

You're positively reinforcing him continuing to smoke by backing down and saying he can refuse to quit after all and you'll still be with him. Where are you standards and boundaries?

Just to be clear, HE promised he'd quit before DC is born. I didn't force that out of him at all.

He also promised to quit before DS was born in 2014, and did for about five months. Then he started up again when DS was about four months old.

I haven't issued any ultimatums other than that he can't share a bed with me and DC if he smokes because of the SIDS risk, and that he has to wash his hands and change out of smoky clothes if he wants to hold his child. Because he didn't with DS and I fucking hated it.

I'm not going to divorce my husband because he 'betrayed my trust'. That's bonkers.

I'll speak to him about the drinking though, and remind him about his promise re the smoking. I know I can't force anything out of him.

So he can make promises that relate directly to the safety of your children and break them and there's no consequence to your relationship.

Each to their own but that seems bonkers to me.

Have you ever actually spoken to him about his drinking? Your last post made it seem not?

We've been together 13 years, I've definitely raised his drinking with him in conversation.

It wasn't such an issue before we had kids. He was in his twenties, gigging a lot, everybody else around us did the same.

But now he's in his mid thirties, the gigging has pretty much stopped, he's mostly home with his family now and the booze/fag consumption hasn't changed. It's habit, and he has made a few failed attempts to deal with it.

I thought his DF dying (of cancer directly related to his lifestyle) would be a wake up call for him. It wasn't.

The fact he's been unable to change it either shows that's not a priority for him like it is for you, I.e. he doesn't want to, or he's unable. In which case he has a serious problem on his hands, possibly an addiction or dependency.

It's a real shame his dad hasn't been a wake up call. In my own experience people tend to go one way or another, either emulating their parent until the bitter premature end, or doing all they can to avoid hurting loved ones the way they were hurt.

If he never reduces his drinking or smoking would you stay with him raising your children?

I don't know. I'll have to see.

His DF died of cancer at 59. My DM died of it at 56 - and she was teetotal and didn't smoke. Of course I know it's more likely that he'll get cancer if he carries on drinking and smoking. But I'm technically obese and I'm more likely to get it too.

I don't want to leave him. He's a good father and husband. I love him.

As harsh as this sounds, if you're completely unwilling to ever consider walking away for your own good you're not left with a lot of room to manoeuvre in a relationship when a partner is acting in a way you can't bear, don't want your kids around etc.

I hear you though. See how it goes. Eventually it'll either get to a point where you can't handle it and he won't change, or you won't. It's shit when you love someone so deeply and everything is amazing apart from one massive glaring horrible thing that just won't go away.

His family are all big drinkers. But it's that middle class big drinking where they steam through bottles of Châteauneuf-du-Pape and premium gins while snacking on blinis. They all drink way more than they should, but think it's FINE because they're quaffing life's pleasures after a hard day's work.

I was shocked to see how pissed they all got when I first knew them. DH has a much younger sibling and they were 3/4/5 and frequently around parents who would both fail breathalysers. I'd only ever seen my DF drunk once in my life. DH couldn't work out why I had an issue with them being pissed around a small child. DFiL's funeral was, obvs, a giant piss up.

Just explaining where he comes from so you can see how it's all been normalised. Not condoning his behaviour at all.

Conversely, the in-laws all have a huge problem with my weight, and have made many HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS about how I might lose it 'for my own good'.

I obvs say NOTHING about their drinking.

The smoking would bother me more to be honest.

The drinking is heavy and I would think he’s not on top of his game helping you with the kids. It’s tough because he clearly doesn’t want to change.

By the way what’s this about comments on your weight? Cheeky fuckers

YANBU but in all honesty it sounds like he needs to drink a LOT LESS.

And if it's the norm I wouldn't be driving him anywhere to get his booze, you are just facilitating his habit. Let's face it , it's easy enough to add up the units he drinks and get the hard evidence, is it 14, 24 or 40 a week for instance? Once you've got the answer I think YOU know what you should be doing.

it's not just for your DC it's for yourself, you don't want to carry on the next x amount of years not only looking after your DC but fretting about this and wishing you'd said something sooner. All the best.