DS being left out because he's an only child

[Mumhetup]

Have NC.

I work from home so my DS8 regularly has friends round after school for tea and I have often helped out my office-based friends with childcare in the holidays, even taking their kids for full days when they couldn't get time off. But lately I've been getting a bit narked because it's never reciprocated, despite two of the friends who I help out the most now doing pick up a couple of times a week. Instead, they invite children back who have siblings the same age as their little ones, so it's like a double date. I get that it's easier with 2 x 2, but my DS is starting to question why he's never invited to so-and-so's house when they always come to ours.
Anyhow, I was going to let it slide, but I've just found out that there have been days out happening between two of my friends and their kids and they deliberately don't invite my DS along because he's an only child. To avoid drip feeding, it was one of DS's friends who mentioned it - he was talking about an activity and when I said DS would've liked to have tried that, he said they can't invite him to things like that because he doesn't have a sibling and it makes things awkward. The only way the friend would've said something like that was if a parent had said it first.
Naturally I am bloody furious on DS's behalf and also kicking myself that I've been so generous with free childcare. Should I say anything to the mums, or let it go and simply scale back on their kids coming to ours? To be fair, the children aren't DS's closest friends but their mums are close mates of mine, hence why I've always been happy to help.
AIBU to be wound up about it?

Are you sure that's actually why? That doesn't really make much sense. Perhaps there is another reason you are unaware of?

So who's the DD in your thread title?

It sounds like it's because if they have my DS along, then one of their two kids is left out. So four is better than three.

Are you sure it’s not just a space in the car thing? Average car has 5 seats, so you can take four kids on a day trip. (Misery for adult though)

So they never ever take your son eventhough you have their kids? I would just stop offering your free child care services then because clearly that's all they see it as if they never reciprocate

Also I don't understand why the friend needs to have a sibling the same age as theirs, why could they not just ask your son and a friend of the other child?

Trinity66 That's what I think, but clearly it's not happening. And no, they never offer to have him.

Lost It could be a car space thing if they've agreed to take the other friend's two children and were going afar, but we're in east London so it's Tubes and buses here. No excuse.

PS> TheOnlyLivingBoy I had changed DS to DD but decided against it at the last minute (was being paranoid). Forgot to change headline, so have asked MN to alter it.

• [Message from MNHQ: We've edited the title now]

OP I have had similar with 2 of dds friends who just invited the ones back with siblings the same age as their younger children "because it was more convenient".
Actually it says more about the parents and the behaviour of the younger siblings than your child.
The issue isn't really that your ds is an only child it's that he doesn't have a sibling the same age (and presumably the same gender) as their younger child.
So if your ds was a second child with an older sibling or with a sister rather than a brother then he could also miss out as well.

That's very true catslife - if my son had an older sibling, he would miss out. Not sure if that would be the same for sister - both my friends have one of each. And yes, it definitely says more about the parents - they'd rather knowingly leave my kid out than have to deal with one of their children not having a playmate. I'm definitely going to pull back on the childcare now.

I wouldn’t say anything you can’t force people to spent time with your family, it’s very unkind, but nothing you can do about it.

This is not something i came across with my older 3 who were all 2 years apart. Never had any double play dates! Each had their own friend and went on play dates alone - as if they were an only child.

I'm an only and never had it happen to me.

In conclusion i think it's just these parents wanting a specific set up. As pp said - a sibling exactly the right age and gender. Encourage DS to cast his net a bit wider for mates.

Stop the freebies.
Dd is an only child and regularly has friends over with their little siblings and vice versa. And sometimes on their own. She's never left out.
That is a pathetic excuse.

That is a bit off. It is easier if both kids are amused, but they could invite the family and your DS and have 5 rather than 4.

What's the sibling gap? By age 8 older siblings start exerting their independence so combined playdates will probably be a thing of the past soon. I would be inclined to turn a blind eye in the expectation that quite soon things will change or just invite the child the same age as yours if you want to continue to arrange things. I learnt the hard way with my older 2 that childcare "swaps" are rarely reciprocated, so don't do them unless they suit me now.

My DD3 has this problem with her closest friends who all have younger siblings. However she doesn't particularly like play dates with them all anyway because she is not used to having to accommodate younger children.

I would stop with the full day help in the future. Encourage him to invite other friends over for play/tea dates.

Maybe that's been my downfall IJustLostTheGame - I've never invited the little ones for a playdate too. Why would I though? My DS isn't friends with them.
In answer to the question about sibling age gap: it's three years for most of them.
NataliaOsipova That's my feeling too - if they invited me as well, I could look after DS and all the kids could play together. Maybe that's why I'm so annoyed about it - I feel excluded too! It's just really galling when I've looked after their kids so much. Because I'm freelance, I don't get holiday pay, so when I've looked after their kids so they can go to work, they've been getting paid but I haven't been. Yes, I know, MUG.

How close is your son to the boys? If he's good friends with them then I would continue inviting them round for the odd after school play date, if he's not that close I wouldn't bother so much unless asked by him but either way I would certainly be knocking the childcare favours on the head if never reciprocated.

He's not as close to them as he is some other boys in his class, so we could feasibly tail off the playdates after school. But I'm close to their mums and that's what makes it awkward for me to say no to childcare, although I shall from now on.

Just stop doing it.

"Oh, I've decided to only do that with parents where we take turns hosting from now on - its so much more convenient to do it that way, dont you think?"

Just a thought-if they are your friends, do you think they realise they are doing it? Or has it become a sort of useful habit- I’ll take your 2 on wed if you take my 2 on fri- kind of thing (as you say, 4 fit in a car!) and they are doing it more for childcare or convenience, rather than to miss your ds out. Also, this may be way off the mark, but does your ds play okay with the younger sibling? I had to stop play dates with one of ds’s friends unless my younger ds was out, as the friend genuinely thought that games that left my younger one out, or made him the butt were fine, as he had no comprehension of how ds2 would feel (and I did try to keep ds2 away, but said friend wanted him to join in, as he wanted to put him in the game, so it was very tricky to explain why he couldn’t!). He was a lovely boy, just couldn’t understand that if he wanted to play with ds2 that it had to be fun for them all!

Tanaqui Part of me wants to think they don't realise it, but I think they are aware, hence the conversation I had with DS's son when he let slip they'd not asked DS to join in a particular activity. DS plays well with the little ones and is very patient with them, so I'm not worried about that being a reason for him being left out. I think it's basically laziness - it's easier to pair up all the kids so the mums can have a chat and catch up than have the younger one tugging at their legs wanting attention.

Definitely hold back on the free childcare, can't believe they never reciprocate with all the extra help during holidays, that is unless they paid u for childcare.

Since they r your friends I would b more hurt than if it were just random friends of child.

I meant DS's friend, not son!

I've never been given so much as a bottle of wine, let alone been paid for childcare in hols! I feel really stupid now. And hurt.

This is quite common where I am. Moms with boys in the same year became friendly and had lots of play dates. Those that happened to have little sisters 3 years later had double play dates and days out. I always felt the little girls didn't get much say in their friends, they just had to slot in. But it's very definately a thing. They go on weekends away, and days out and I suppose it suits them all very well. It doesn't bother me much because my daughter is generally at her worst behaviour in group outings like that and I find it stressful. Annoying for play dates though.