Grandfather just died and I really don't think I care...

[Eddison]

NC as identifying.
Hopefully this sounds worse than it is. But actually all I feel is anger. I lucked out in the grandfather stakes, one sexually abused me for years until I spoke out and sent him to prison, the other abandoned our family around the time I was born I think, and never battered an eyelid since. Abusive grandfather died a while ago, other grandfather, just recently. He walked out on our family, I don't know why, but I think over some family feud. He had nothing to do with our family, even when asked for help when the abuse from GF1 emerged. My mum tried to retain some contact with him through phone and letters but he's been absolutely no part of my life. My mother has visited quite a bit him in these months leading up to his death, and my sisters have visited him in the last few years. My mum is upset about his death, for lots of complex reasons (missed relationship/ trying to repair things/ wanting to say things that will now never be said, etc). And because of all this I feel like I'm suddenly supposed to care about a man who I can't even put a face too, I felt abandoned us when most needed and I being seen as uncaring as I'm struggling to be overly sympathetic or dress up his death as tragic. This makes me sound hard I know, but I can barely talk about it, I think my feelings towards both grandfathers are so entangled that I put them in the same camp of harm done to me and my family - I can't think about one without picturing the other. I'm coming off as uncaring towards my mum, when in truth i just can't bring myself to discuss this man in sympathetic or warm terms. As a result I am keeping my distance and avoiding the topic. I've tried explaining how I feel but I think my mum is dealing with her own demons so doesn't really get it. AIBU?

(I would also like to caveat this topic as I don't want to be seen as a victim, I'm not - I lucked out with grandparents, but not with parents and family who have always been superb - and apart from this upset I have a lovely life, married to a wonderful man, two lovely children and a career I love)

No, you didn't know the guy.

He was nothing to you.

I don't think either deserve a moment of your grief.

for you and your mum. So glad your abusive grandfather was jailed.

He was your biological grandfather. And the biology is where it ends. YNBU.

What TheQueen said. You sound perfectly reasonable to me.

You don't have to grieve for someone just because technically they are family.

No you are quite right. Support your mum gently to see the situation how it was and tell her what a wonderful mum she is.

Good for you op for moving on with your life with your real family

Your attitude sounds right to me. But be tolerant of your mum if she is emotional about him. She may have good childhood memories of him despite his later behaviour.

I wasn’t overly bothered when my (toxic) grandfather died. His dog was sad but he loved the dog. Highly doubt he loved me - at least not in the way normal people love their grandchildren.

I can understand exactly what your mother is dealing with, I'm sure I will have the same feelings when my father dies.

However it has fuck all to do with you. He is nothing to you and didn't seem a nice person anyway. Why should you be bothered?

That isn't really a granddad.

He was just your parents dad.

You owed/owe your gf nothing, least of all your grief. You didnt even know the man. Where was he in your hour of need
Why would/should you be upset. It'd be like grieving for a stranger.

yanbu but neither is your mum. It must be confusing to lose your father when he has abandoned you. She has been there for you. If you can manage it I think it would be nice to be there for her too. He isn't the man who abused you. He wasn't a good grandfather but he didn't do that.
You don't have to pretend you miss him or are mourning him but you also don't have to avoid your mum. Be with her. Comfort her. Love her and try and help her through this.

What crash said. It's fine to have no interest or sense of loss.

However, your mum is grieving. You don't need to be untruthful, just supportive. You can say things like,
I can see how sad you are, you must miss him very much, it's ok to feel bad, mum etc. You can help her practically too. If she comments on your lack of emotional engagement, just say 'of course, I never knew him like you did'.

It may be there were things going on in his life, or your mum's, which made their relationship impossible. You wouldn't have known about it when you were small. It's not an excuse, just a possibility to bear in mind.

Yanbu

Your mum is likely grieving for the dad she never had, especially as it's never going to happen now.

I felt no sadness at the death of one of my grandfathers. He did the world a favour by dying. My dad had grown up with an exceptionally abusive arsehole, and he also had to deal with massively conflicting emotions. I did what I could to support dad, I just didn't grieve myself.