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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel left out and hurt by this?

21 replies

CocoM2017 · 08/03/2018 13:54

A group of us have been friends through a hobby we all share for about 10 years now. About 5 years ago, due to 2 of the girls moving away (both have now subsequently moved back in the last 18 months/ two years) the friendships faded a bit, we all still met up once a year/ kept in touch via FB/ text etc but didn’t regularly see one another etc and were never really close from then on. 3 years ago I met a girl through our hobby, she was nice enough, but I have to saya little bit irritating at times as very attention seeky etc, but overall nice. She’d just moved to the area and didn’t really know anyone so I invited her to the next meet up with these friends as I thought as she too shared our hobby, she might be able to make some friends.

A couple of the girls afterwards said she was nice enough but a bit weird/ irritating. Anyway, she added them all as friends on FB and has since, for the last 3 years managed to wangle an invite to every meet up and social occasion. Now I don’t really speak to this girl much anymore because to be quite frank the attention seeking got worse and she basically turned out to be a pathological liar about so many things. There’s been no fall out but I just don’t really enjoy her company and so have gradually distanced myself from her (but not any of the others) a bit.

I was on a night out the other week and bumped into two women of this friendship group in a bar. Got chatting and one of them said ‘Oh good job you weren’t at the last meet up the other week (I couldn’t go as I was on holiday) as XXX (girl I introduced) did everyone’s heads in, I made my excuses and left early in the end as I just got fed up of her.’ The other agreed. (However these 2 people I see are constantly commenting on all her attention seeky statuses things like ‘Love you hun’ or ‘Hope you’re okay lovely, here if you need to talk etc’)

One of the group is getting married in May. I got an evening invitation in the post a couple of months ago. Must admit I have no idea who from this old friendship group is going to this wedding.

Today, friend who is getting married was tagged in a hen weekend post by another friend.....with basically every single girl from the original friendship group over the years also tagged....including the girl I introduced to the group. She is now commenting ‘Can’t wait for the weekend.’ Etc.

I now feel like shit and pretty embarrassed. I think they’ve been meeting up without me as irritating girl and a few of the others seem so overly pally on FB at the moment that they must be interacting IRL? Irritating girl isn’t even that pally with girl who is getting married (or so I thought) so I guess I’m shocked she’s been invited.

Let me make it clear, I’m not overly pally with anyone in this group anymore, as in, none of them I would consider good friends anymore, friends definitely but not people I would go to in a crisis etc. However none of the group are, we’ve all moved on and have separate lives/ friendship groups nowadays. I’m not offended because I haven’t been invited to the hen (I personally wouldn’t invite the bride to my hen) I’m offended because everyone BUT me seems to have been invited (some who she’s never really been pally with) including this girl I introduced, who last time I checked barely knew the bride to be and if I’m honest the bride to be has slagged her off a lot in the past to me.

I don’t get why bride to be has even invited me to any of it tbh?! I feel like I must’ve done something, or something must be going on so why bother inviting me to the evening do?

I’m really reluctant to go now as just feel that I won’t really know anyone and don’t feel comfortable now going over to this friendship group and spending time with them that night, but I’m guessing it’ll look really rude if I pull out of going now?!

AIBU to feel hurt?

OP posts:

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 08/03/2018 14:03

Not unreasonable at all, I would feel hurt too. If you are not all that close to them then I wouldn't give yourself the headache of bothering to attend. Personally I would use the family emergency/ illness excuse, and then just distance myself further from the lot of them. The slagging off and silly games would turn me off... But then I don't have many friends due a low threshold for crap!

vespertillio · 08/03/2018 14:08

Let me make it clear, I’m not overly pally with anyone in this group anymore
I’m not offended because I haven’t been invited to the hen (I personally wouldn’t invite the bride to my hen)
Well then, honestly, move on. Go if you'd like to see the bride and your old pals for a drink and catch-up, don't fixate on why the rest of them might be meeting up etc - be glad you've other friends in your life and don't give it much more thought.

Trinity66 · 08/03/2018 14:13

I definitely see why you would be a bit hurt by it but if you're not close to any of them anyway I would just draw a line under it all and leave them in the past

ChasedByBees · 08/03/2018 14:13

I don’t understand what this girl has done to be the focus of so much ire. You say she’s a bit irritating, yet all your friends act friendly to her face while bitching about her behind her back. And you seem to be annoyed that she has been invited but not you - frankly anyone would be better off out of this surely? Particularly as you don’t see them as close friends anyway.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 08/03/2018 14:15

YANBU

GrannyGrissle · 08/03/2018 14:18

You get out of all the overpriced boring/simpering bullshit parts of the wedding, can get away with bringing just a card, can have a piss up and a catch up then leave whenever you like without being expected to fuss and faun over the bride. Bit of a win if you ask me!

Eltonjohnssyrup · 08/03/2018 15:20

Hmm. It does seem that when you’ve been with your friends an awful lot of time seems to have been spent talking in unpleasant terms about the girl you introduced. ‘Slagging off’ in your terms.

Do you think maybe they’ve got the impression you’re a bit of a bitch? Talk behind people’s backs, that sort of thing?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 08/03/2018 15:33

Because it sounds like you’ve made a bit of an effort to get the group to turn on her and it’s backfired on you.

livefornaps · 08/03/2018 15:38

Maybe she chases people a lot so that she is on everyone's radar all the time, you know, little messages, Facebook likes, just to remain visible and so when it comes to people deciding on invites, she immediately springs to mind.

It all sounds a bit toxic and "slaggy slaggy" though...for a group of adult women.

Original poster

CocoM2017 · 08/03/2018 15:41

Eltonjohn- I haven’t bitched about this girl anymore than any of the other women in this group. None of them know that I have backed away from her because I find her irritating, none of them.

I haven’t wanted this group to ‘turn on her’ it’s up to them who they’re friends with, I introduced her to them all in the first place! They have all bitched about her though and as harsh as this sounds, over the years she’s made friends with friends of friends and acquatences of mine and even they have mentioned ‘Oh god, you know XXX don’t you? She’s a bit weird/ arrogant isn’t she.’ I’ve lost count the amount of times people have been less than savoury about her.....including the majority of the women in this group!

Now all of a sudden she’s clearly meeting up with them all regularly and has been invited to things that I haven’t.

I am the least 2 faced person in all of this. I don’t partucularly like or get on with this girl anymore and so for that reason I’ve distanced myself. The others all bitch about her (or have bitched about her) for the same reasons as me yet are all over her on FB etc. How am I the bitchy one?

OP posts:

scotchpie · 08/03/2018 15:44

Does the bride have any other friends? Maybe these are her only ones and the 'girl' has pushed in on an invite.

I wouldn't go, not because you are annoyed but because I wouldn't want to spend time with people I'm not fussed on and also spend money on them too.

Original poster

CocoM2017 · 08/03/2018 15:47

Is it rude to decline a wedding invitation after you’ve already RSVP’d? I know this sounds lame but I feel like the bride will take it as a snub and then I’ll be on the receiving end of loads of bitching

OP posts:

livefornaps · 08/03/2018 15:48

Well, people are weird, aren't they?

I swear some people only hang round one another in order to "stock up" on new material for the next slagging fest. They're not necessarily enjoying each other's company OR as mortally offended as they would claim to be, depending on who they are talking to.

What I mean is, people like to talk about people. We like to spice up our reactions to things and egg each other on. Whereas, a lot of how we experience the world and other people is just like looking at a wall of beige. Exactly how riled up, are we, really? We gossip to get a reaction out of each other, and ourselves. In order to feel more alive

JessicaEccles · 08/03/2018 15:51

I would be very watchful what these women are saying abut you to this new 'weird' friend. because they seem damn quick to slag her off to you, when they are liking her FB statuses and inviting her on trips.

AbsolutelyCorking · 08/03/2018 15:52

I would be hurt too and wouldn’t go. It would be embarrassing to turn up late when everyone else is already there. Just wait until the day before then tell her you’re ill, then there won’t be any bitching. If you don’t go no one will know you only got invited to the evening.

Jaxhog · 08/03/2018 15:58

Time to let go. They aren't your close friends anymore.Unfortunately, some people are like this. I'd find some new friends. Hard, I know, but you'll be better off in the long run.

Damia · 08/03/2018 16:01

Maybe new girl was just pushy about it. Heard someone else was invited, and was horribly rude enough to ask for an invite. She sounds like that type frankly... Maybe bride is more annoyed than you about it! Who knows lol

Thistlebelle · 08/03/2018 16:05

Sounds to me like you’ve drifted naturally from the group and assumed they all have too.

Except they didn’t drift. They've all made the effort to keep in touch.

If you’ve happily moved on from the group you can’t really legitimately complain that you aren’t invited to everything the core group organises I’m afraid.

Politely and serenely go to the evening reception. You’ve made your bed with this one.

Parrothead · 08/03/2018 16:12

livefornaps what on odd post, or maybe I just don’t understand what you’re getting at. Yes a lot of people like to gossip behind each other’s backs but you think they are making up being offended? And that they look at all of their personal interactions as a “wall of beige”? I think it’s the opposite: people sometimes get overly offended over little things. And I would be extremely depressed if interacting with others was boring and monotonous. Glad I come into contact with more interesting people than you do!

BrendasUmbrella · 08/03/2018 16:42

Is it possible that they enjoy her company, and just join in with bitching about her to you because they know you are irritated by her? Or perhaps she just invited herself along to the hen night - maybe at the meet up you missed - and no-one felt they could say no?

But I would guess that as Thistlebelle says, you've drifted further than the others have. Whether you want to try and reconnect or not is up to you.

BrendasUmbrella · 08/03/2018 16:46

I am the least 2 faced person in all of this.

I didn't see your updates. If you believe that to be the case, maybe move on and leave all the toxicity behind? And if you're right and these women are two faced, then yes they will probably bitch about you if you don't go. It's down to you to decide what the lesser of two evils is.

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