Child at next table was whingeing, should I have stepped in?

[InSisu]

I went out for lunch earlier with my partner and 18 month old.
Whilst DP went to get a second helping (it was an all-you-can-eat!) I carried on eating mine and seeing to DS who was chomping away quite happily.
For about five minutes, I'd been aware that one of the children on the next table was being grouchy, crying a bit, generally playing up. It's nothing I haven't dealt with myself as a parent and I gave it no thought.
Then I heard, 'are you just going to sit there and not even try to help?'..thought nothing of it, glanced up and to my horror, the man at the next table had said it to me! He was dealing with his son who was now arching his back and trying to get him into his pushchair- mine does that quite a lot but I don't see it as anyone else's place to step in. AIBU?!

He was either talking too his son or your were staring and he felt you were watching whilst he struggled? Either way I would have just ignored and looked away. I’m happy to help anyone who looks as if they are struggling, I have helped people get their children in to trolleys outside supermarkets as I know how hard it can be when they won’t put their legs straight

Thank god you all find it as baffling as I did! He definitely said it to me, he was looking kind of expectantly at me as I glanced up.
I'm ashamed to say I was that surprised I just pulled a face/raised an eyebrow and carried on eating- missed opportunity to say something witty. I was enjoying my food and the chance to eat in relative peace while my own DS was content.
I didn't know whether to feel a bit guilty about that but then I've been out with all my children plenty of times in the past and dealt with their gripes on my own.

Don't be ashamed. Your response was perfect.

Had he asked for help, I'm sure you would have helped. But his sense of entitlement was extraordinary!

He sounds batshit.

I'll always offer to help people who look nice like they're struggling (e.g. getting a buggy up the stairs), but with that attitude, he can fuck right off!

Actually, I can believe this, as I had some random men expect me to help them with their kids, like hold their baby while they searched for something etc. Errrm, women don’t have more arms and juggle it. And a woman would never be so presumptuous or arrogant to literally demand this. This is purely male entitlement and sadly fuelled by so many people, especially women cooing over guys doing basically the same shit, mothers have to do all the time. That dude better gets used to high chair wriggling. I would just laugh in his face.

Maybe he thought you were the resident child wrangler... Are you at Butlins, wearing a red jacket?
Seriously though, unless he was of extremely low intelligence he can't have been directly his comments at you.

You didn't shrug and say "Not my circus, not my monkey", then, OP?

I would have just laughed at him and gestured to my child and said 'nope I have to deal with his tantrums alone' welcome to parenting!

Obviously when you're struggling with children in public and it all starts getting a bit much, it's always lovely when a stranger steps in to kindly lend a helping hand.

However nice it would be if they did, I would not expect a stranger to step in. I wouldn't feel irritated that they didn't and I certainly wouldn't 'pull them up' on their lack of involvement. How rude of him.

So whilst it may have been nice of you to help if you wanted to, you certainly weren't being unreasonable not to. He was unreasonable for reacting the way he did and if he really needed some help a simple:

"Excuse me, I'm really sorry to bother you but I'm really struggling with my son. Is there any chance you could just hold the pram steady for me a second whilst I get him strapped in?"

would have been a bit more understandable.

Yes I've been shoved a baby to hold at a party by a man I'd never met before.

I was so take aback I almost shouted to the room, can someone please take him, I'm not good with babies!

Not very sympathetic responses on here. If he really did say that as reported then on the face of it, it does sound very entitled and narky. But also sounds as if he might have been at the very end of his tether. I have, on occasion, been next to people struggling in a similar way and if I think they're not going to tell me to fuck off and mind my own business yes, I do offer to help. Sometimes it's taken up, mostly people just smile and say 'no thanks'.

On the other side of the coin, I regularly have struggles with autistic meltdowns from my lovely boy and have started to swallow my pride and ask for help if I really can't manage to get him out of a shop on my own, because he's plastered himself to the floor. And people DO help if you ask nicely and explain why. This 'F you, your children/monkeys, your problem/circus' attitude really saddens me.

That's not to excuse the way this guy asked but possibly could any of you cut him - or someone else in a similar situation - some slack, and just accept that we all need help at times?

Eh? I'd have been completely bemused and looking over my shoulder to see if it was me he was talking to and not somebody else!
Then a "who, me? Well, yes!"
Are you SURE he wasn't talking to someone else as that is just totally and utterly bizarre!

I always found the soft 'punch' to the stomach helped to push a struggling toddler into a car seat etc. Don't suppose the bloke would have been very impressed if I'd suggested that to him!! There's always the distraction technique for those who are more of the faint hearted/PC sort of parent.

That is really really weird YANBU

you did the right thing. clearly he expects everyone else to sort out his problems. what a twerp.

I don't think I would have been able to stop myself from saying " Why should I do it - is it because I have a vagina?" which probably wouldn't have been a helpful thing to say.
I like the bemused look and response - that's a good one.

What sort of idiot can't work out that, if you want help, you will get it much more successfully by asking politely than by berating total strangers?

I'm almost certain he was talking to me, there was no one else he could've been talking to unless he was literally thinking out loud, in a reprimanding voice, whilst looking at me. It's one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me (I have a boring life) 😂
My DP came back at about the same time his wife/girlfriend came back to his table, they both got their DS into his pushchair and they finished their food. The son wasn't really kicking off, as in screaming or drawing attention or anything.

What did you say to him OP?

Were you starting at him (or could it be perceived that you were staring) while he was toddler wrangling. I could see that it would be annoying if someone sat and watched you to struggle to do something.

Typical expectation from a bloke that this stuff is 'care work' and thus the natural born duty of women everywhere .

what a weirdo

What an entitled cock. What pp said up thread about a certain sort of man expecting a woman, any woman, to run to his assistance.

Knob.

Very strange. Could he have been talking to the toddler? I would sometimes ask dd to "help" when I'm strapping her in to her car seat (She didn't use a pushchair) as that would usually make her more compliant if you see what I mean?

Could he have been talking to the toddler?

Doesn't sound likely if he said "are you just going to sit there" presumably if the child was already sitting and not arching he wouldn't have a problem strapping him in