To think that this type of person never realises that the problem is them, not everyone else?

[Mandeln]

I've name changed for this as it might make me identifiable.

I have a 'friend' whom I've known since primary school. To be honest I tolerate her as I keep a distance from her, I never confide in her and certainly don't get close to her. I guess I just keep in touch for nostalgia's sake really.

She is very much the type who prides herself on 'saying it like it is', 'being honest with people' and generally just wanting everything her own way and for people to bow down to her, do as she says, and put up with her crap.

She chums up with women who are generally pretty quiet, agreeable, people pleasing types, and will have a new 'Bestie' every year or 18 months or so. She will literally run said bestie into the ground, with her brutal honesty and making the bestie run around after her and do as she says. She speaks to each friend like shit, even in front of other people. Eventually even the quietest, calmest bestie will snap and just cut her out of their live without warning, understandably. Then my friend gets really upset and posts on Facebook about how everybody uses her and takes her for granted and that she's a fantastic friend.

Last night she phoned me in floods of tears as her most recent bestie, whom she's been friends with for about a year, suddenly fell out with her yesterday.

Why does this type of person never realise that it's them that's the problem? I realise that I could broach the subject with her and say that it's her that's the problem, but it wouldn't go down well and I honestly don't think she would take it on board, she'd just say I was being a bitch to her like everyone else apparently is.

I don't bother with people like that OP and advise you to do the same. I just cut them out of my life....I've done it to a woman this year. She's all "Oh I don't have a filter haarr harr!" when in fact she's just a bloody bitch.

'I don't have a filter' is exactly what the woman that I know has said at times, too. Yet if anyone else forgets to filter when speaking to her she creates merry hell about it

I'd tell her like it is op, it doesn't sound like she'd be a huge loss to you.

They probably post on Mumsnet about how they can't keep friends, tell only bits of the story and get validated by a group of strangers telling them how they "sound lovely" and "it's them, not you". 🙄

I realise I may have a bee in my bonnet about this though!

Take your lead from her lol / tell it how it is

I don't know if I can be arsed with the fall out tbh. I don't see her very often and strangely she is nice to me, although I don't get very involved with her so that's probably why.

Yes MilkTwoSugarsThanks she probably has done.

It's strange isn't it that those with huge sensitivity about their own feelings are completely and utterly insensitive towards others?

Become unavailable really slowly

Milk - and then someone with a fair bit of experience of those types of people will twig on to subtle indications, point out the OP's likely failings, and be roundly told off for presuming things .

I am dealing with a woman exactly like this at work, who is currently throwing accusations of sexism, because her loudmouth frequently runs her into difficulty with her line manager and supervisor. But no, it's because she's a woman (regardless of the frequent and significant praise given to women in the organisation by said manager including me - promoted above said manager with his hearty recommendation). He actually can be a real dick to underperformers, but it's performance that counts with him. I point this out to her, but it's apparently impossible for her to conceptualize that she's underperforming/being a loudmouth twat, and that there must be some systematic element against her.

I HAD a friend like this, it took her telling me to "Piss off" in front of about 100 people for me to finally snap. We have been NC ever since. When we met I suppose I felt sorry for her as she seamed all alone in the world and we developed what I tough was a really strong friendship but once she found someone better she pushed and pushed until I broke however in her mind it was all my doing. When I think of all the excuses I made for her behavior to other I redden at the shame.

Tell her the truth, let her fall out with you and enjoy the new found feeling of freedom when she exits your life!

If you get her out of your life (as you should), it won't matter if she's nice to you. I don't understand why you'd want to continue this relationship.

Be honest with her. Tell her like it is, that the reason she keeps losing friendships is because she's a shit friend who's horrible to people, and if she carries on like it, she'll become a very lonely old woman.

I hear you... I just cut a 'friend' out of my life as she behaved abysmally to me and then refused to take any responsibility whatsoever for her behaviour, blaming it all on me.

I've been reading up on it, and it seems that it is quite common in those with stunted emotional growth that they just cannot admit they are the problem or have done wrong.

An emotionally healthy person has enough faith in themselves to be able to take the odd knock, if for example they have behaved badly they can admit this and take ownership without feeling like they are a flawed person. The emotionally stunted person, less so. If they have done wrong, then they ARE wrong. So better to pretend to themselves and everyone else that they are not the problem at all and blame others.

It's a primitive defence mechanism - denial.

Why does this type of person never realise that it's them that's the problem?

Because nobody tells them!!

Seriously, what have you to lose? You don't really want her as a friend anyway do you?

If she complains to you again you could say "You know how you pride yourself on telling it how it is and being honest with people? Well this once I shall do exactly the same." Then let her have it.

I really dislike that "I tell it like it is" attitude. No, you are just rude and unthinking.

Can’t you say something like ‘maybe she felt your way of being honest with people was a bit too much and upset her?’

If you’ve been friends this long she might take it on board.

I’m intrigued, what did you say to her during the conversation re. the pattern of her losing friendships?

i think there’s a diplomatic way of telling her she is too direct without being rude. I might suggest she befriend someone who’s a little bit more like her. Tell her she needs some less sensitive friends who share her no nonsense attitude and then her bullish manner won’t offend them. At least that way you are kind of blaming the others whilst also giving a truthful assessment of her own failings.

It must be worth a bit of an attempt surely. Sandwich the bad news in between some nice things about her (shit sandwich as my friend refers to it) tell her that you'd like her to be happy and seeing her get upset about failed friendships time and time again is saddening. Maybe she could try and take her friends feelings into account a bit more and maybe not be so blunt and she may find friendships last better. She's obviously doing something well to be able to make all these friendships to start with so there must be some redeeming features. And maybe she may find herself happier. She's been in your life for a long time, wouldn't you like her to be happier. If it doesn't work then you can finish the friendship in good conscience.

Sounds like she comes from the Sharon Osbourne school of thought. "I don't have a filter", "I just say anything that comes into my head" and "I can't help saying it like it is" and quite happy to make insulting comments about people but say one thing about her family and she's screaming like a banshee.

OP, just tell her. The worst that can happen is she gets offended and doesn't talk to you anymore. That's a positive, yes?

'saying it like it is', 'being honest with people'

I had a couple of years of that with MIL and DH childhood best mate wife always followed by something incredible rude towards me right until I stopped taking it and firmly stood up for myself.

The wife is a piece of work that I'm always surprised more people don't see through. The rudeness to me had purpose I think a lot of her behaviour is how can I make this best for me.

She still clearly doesn’t like me when we meet but when there is an audience plays nice and friendly she completely ignores me when there isn’t one.

MIL had I think made bizarre assumptions about DH and how his life would go – and I was the scape goat for her disappointment he had other plans. She also mistook at first quietness and later politeness for meekness and thought she could bully me.

MIL has rose tinted glasses poor memory and a tendency to re-write history how she wants. I’ve seen her express amazement and bafflement when someone she used to bitch to about DH and I said something about us being difficult because we’ve always got along.

It also wasn’t universal behaviour – only some people like myself were targets so there enough people round them who don’t see it and take their side at face value and few other who did see it but never said anything as didn’t want to get involved.

OMG I hate hate hate this kind of twat.

We all know one.

I have recently (well 6-8 months ago,) started ghosting someone (I am loathed to call her a friend,) who was honestly, an absolute PITA. Nosey, intrusive, moaned all the time, made inappropriate remarks about my appearance (and my husband's,) and slated the uni my niece just graduated from amongst other spiteful put-downs...

She does nothing but MOAN, and bitch, everything is all about her, and also, she makes spiteful remarks about marriage and kids (she has never been married or had kids...) 'You wouldn't get ME tying myself down with kids,' and 'You wouldn't get ME bowing to the patriarchy by getting married and becoming a man's property!' Stupid cunt.

I don't slag HER off for never being married and remaining child-free, so why bash me? (And she does it to others too!) Methinks the lady doth protest too much hmmm?

She also rarely listens to what you are saying, and her eyes are always darting behind you, looking at something else when you're talking, and you can see in her face, that she is dying to start talking (about herself) again!

Her partner (of 12 years,) is also a massive twat; rude and obnoxious, and another 'I tell it like it is' cunt. (Note, no, you are NOT an honest, strong, assertive, and forthright person, you are a nasty twat who no-one likes.

She has been contacting other people we know, asking them what is 'wrong' with me as I have not been returning her messages/texts/voicemails. A multitude of reasons that she seems to be utterly oblivious about. I am the 4th person to 'ghost' her in about 7 years apparently, and she told a mutual acquaintance of ours that she doesn't understand why people treat her like this.

I guess someone should tell these people that they are massive twats, but even if they were told, I suspect they would get morbidly offended and upset, act the victim, and then just carry on behaving like this anyway.

"I guess someone should tell these people that they are massive twats, but even if they were told, I suspect they would get morbidly offended and upset, act the victim, and then just carry on behaving like this anyway."

Yep!

Yes, I think PPs are right to identify that even if you/others tell her she may just go into denial.

I was that people pleasing friend to that same personality. I tried to extricate myself but it was futile- she was a bit stalkerish at this point so she just would not back off for even a day or two. I finally snapped when she did something unbelievably selfish, and I tried several times to explain why I was so angry. She then wrote me a note explaining how it was all my fault, and how she was willing to forgive me, but that I had been an awful person, made her sad etc. Had my MH not been sound it was honestly a note that could have really affected me very badly. Thankfully, I laughed with delight as I realised that the note was sheer desperation and actually I was free of her. I just went NC.

I know from others around her that she went into total victim mode, and it was all about how awful I had been to her.

You can’t always tell someone in that mindset that maybe it’s them- they just won’t receive that information. But interestingly years later she contacted me to apologise and say that she understood what she had done. Sadly I had to ignore it as I could not let her back into my life after the note she sent me, it was something I could not risk going back to. Self preservation! But my point is that she realised eventually in her own time.

Happily for me I met a wonderful friend through her who had been similarly reeled in, going NC a few months later, so it all worked out well- we are still really close now!