To wonder why it is is so hard to fall in love at 30?

[Namila]

Well, I know IABU rationally of course. I am only about to turn 29 28 years old and I definitely have many years to meet someone, fall in love and have a family. I am young(ish), fun, interesting, and have a good career. A real catch! On paper I kind of know that.

But when I think about how hard it is to feel anything that vaguely resembles a romantic connection with a man, all of a sudden the next 10 fertile years I have in front of me don't sound like that much time at all.

I was in a long term relationships from age 22 to age 27, we planned to get married and have a family. Then I realised I was not happy nor in love anymore, and that I was sticking with him just out of fear on being on my own.

Now I have been single for 18 months, I have dated around, had some fun and some bad experiences. But I somehow find the idea of falling in love really unlikely to happen to me anytime soon. I enjoy going out on dates, but I never feel any real romantic connection or interest towards anyone. I usually go on one or two dates with someone and then can't be bothered to go on and I just end it out of lack of interest.

I know many people struggle with dating because of a lack of self-esteem, but is there anyone else out there that seems to have become incapable of feeling anything for a man besides mild curiosity?

When I was younger I used to be so in tune with my emotions and I had crushes relatively often. These days I sometimes feel like an ice statue, and I wonder if I will end up alone if that does not change?

Anyway, sorry for my crazy rambles. I got carried away

I guess my question is: AIBU to feel like it is really hard to fall in love when you aren not super young anymore? And AIBU to be concerned that I will end up alone, given that I don't seem to be capable of developing any romantic feelings anymore?

I fell in love with DH when I was 33. It happened without me really noticing it! At first all I thought about was "do I want to see him again?", not "am I going to spend the rest of my life with this man?". After 4/5 months he told me he loved me, I had a panic and a few weeks later realised that I loved him too, rather than just liked and fancied him. Romantic connection can take a bit of time!

I think you know yourself more when you are older. The early relationships are like trial runs and you learn a little from each one. You probably know more about what you want from a partner also.

(Wonders what the stats re age vs relationship success are...)

I agree with Pen - I'm warier, wiser and more of a commitment-phobe at 31 than I was when I entered my last LTR at 24; and when I meet somebody I just take it date by date and don't think "is this person my future life partner, can I see myself falling in love with them and being together forever" but "do we have fun, do I look forward to seeing them, do I want to see more of them" and fun with that. I think the pressure and finality of trying to decide whether somebody is life-partner material impedes getting lost in the moments and finding all their depths. I find the feelz follow all that.

I know what you mean OP. I held back from men who were interested in me and I found it hard to get really into someone. I just never ever expected anything to go anywhere. The only difference was I already had three children so was not looking to start a family but I wanted a partner.
I eventually met my fiance on online dating and we found we were expecting within 2 months and now have a son.
Everything was just so different with him from the beginning and what other men were lacking, I found in him. I didn't expect to fall in love but it happened very easily. I'm 30 by the way and met him when I was 29.

*run with

I met my DH when I was the same age as you, on Tinder. After a disastrous first date, he'd neglected to tell me he was in the middle of getting divorced, he told me he loved me a few weeks later and I just knew I felt the same way. I moved in, we got engaged and 4 and a half years after meeting we've been married 3 years and have 2 DCs.

Don't give up, it'll happen. And cliched as it sounds, you'll know. He wasn't my match on paper but he's my match in ways it matters more.

I met my DH when I was 39 married 41. So I cut it fine. You can fall in love at any age but you know that already.
As the others have stated our tatstes become a little more fine tuned, we know ourselves more, we know what we want and more importantly what we don't want.
Just be careful of a Hollywood image of thunderbolt love. My friend is 49 and unhappily single, she has kicked aside many guys because she believes in love at first sight and nothing else. We have all told her it happens to some, but others may meet a guy and the love grows into something. A friend told me her DH was her back burner man and then one day she realised she couldn't imagine her life without him. No is saying settle but be canny.

Hi all, thank you so much for your kind messages!

I wonder where is the line between "giving it some time and let the love grow" and "forcing myself to go on a second date with a man I have no desire to see ever again"?

I know not every relationship starts with love at first sight, but surely if I feel zero desire to see someone again after a date I should not force myself to do it?

No - if you don't want to see somebody again then don't. Meeting a reasonable number of people you don't want to see again doesn't mean you're unable to develop romantic feelings or incapable of feeling anything for anyone - it just means those people you've met so far don't interest you and nothing clicked. Totally normal. Most people in the world won't. In every aspect of life you'll meet perfectly pleasant people who you just don't really want to get to know better - if this wasn't the case, we'd all have hundreds of friends!

When you do meet somebody who you think "hmm, something there" about, that's when deciding to see what happens is a good move, even if you aren't sure exactly what it is.

I was 28 when I met my husband and no one I went out with before (short term only!) was the right kind of person for me at all.

He is though! And I met him through doing an activity that I was interested in and just decided to start going to by myself - I didn’t know anyone who went, but I just went anyway and met loads of new friends and my husband!

So that would be my advice - just do new things that you are interested in and you may well meet someone you can be more enthusiastic about.

I could have written your post, right down to our ages and relationship histories - spooky! I don’t know what the answer is but I also know that I don’t have to go on a second date with anyone, and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I’m fed up with the subtle and not-so-subtle disrespect shown by almost every man I date, from talking over me for an entire evening, to suggesting I should get rid of my pets as they’re “unhygienic”, to ridiculing my job (which is not in any way ridiculous). After so many shitty first dates, I’m putting my energies into my job and my interests, including raising a lot of money for charity. It’s such a cliché but working on my own life really has made me feel happier.

I think that I was much less willing to waste time on people by my mid twenties. But I also knew much more what I was looking for and so when I found it, things moved much faster and in the space of 18 months we got married, bought a house and had a baby. I don't think you should try to force things with anybody but stay open minded!

Nil desperandum. I met dh at 33. Now married and on second pregnancy.

And no, don’t go on that second date. You don’t need to feel Amazing Romantic Fabulousness after a first date but you generally know if someone is someone you’d like to see again for a coffee or a chat.

Cultivate friends of both sexes - you’re as likely to meet someone via a female friend as via dating. Keep the high standards and the Git Radar on full strength. Try some new experiences - travel, hiking, climbing etc.

giving it some time and let the love grow" and "forcing myself to go on a second date with a man I have no desire to see ever again

That question, at least, is easy. Only have second dates with people who you want to see again.

Having said that, I never got on with the whole concept of dating, which felt to me like waaaay too much pressure. I preferred activities which could be done in a group, followed by a drink in the pub afterwards. For i while, i organised some group events, then i noticed who it was i was looking for in the group, and well, we got it together (eventually). Good luck with your own path.

I met DH at 28. He was 35. It was love at first sight, something I'd never believed in until then and completely understand why people don't believe in it now. But it happened to me. Meeting him was like coming home - suddenly everything made sense. Neither of us played any games - we were both certain right from the start so it was blissfully easy. Moved in together after 3 weeks of dating. Engaged after a year, married five months later. 5 years later and we have bought a house and had a baby. Deliriously, deliciously happy with him.

I get it. Am 32 and just struggle to get that enthusiastic about anyone.

Not expecting fireworks but yes anything beyond mild curiosity seems beyond me at the moment.

I don't think I am asking for the moon on the stick. Interesting conversation, respect, ability to listen, kindness, an interest in the world - but it feels when I do date, that I end up " carrying" the conversation. I think that maybe leads to my lack of enthusiasm for much of it.

I would like to find someone nice and settle down but it just seems so unlikely unless I can remember how to feel giddy or enthusiastic or IN LOVE with someone again

It's more to do with finding the 'right' person for you and less about how old you are imo. You can find love at any age.

I got divorced 12 years ago age 31 and after a LTR with a sociopath, I struggled to find a relationship because ... well, for a lot of reasons really! I dated some nice guys (and also some twats for sure) but would always find a reason not to see them again. I decided to stop dating and stop trying to find Mr Right ... I was single for a couple of years and honestly thought I'd be single for the rest of my life.

All of a sudden a few months ago I met a man in my real life (not through internet dating!) who just made me smile. It definitely wasn't love at first sight because it took me a while to build the trust and open up to someone, but for the first time in many years I felt loved, cherished and alive. I found myself walking with a skip in my step and smiling about him when I was doing mundane things like washing up or doing laundry. It's early days but I am genuinely the happiest I have been in YEARS.

My advice is stop worrying and stop looking for love. It will find you when you are ready and usually in the most unexpected and wonderful way X

If the conversation is good and you don't mind spending more time with this person, then force yourself on a second (and third) date even if there is no spark. If he asks you out again, then accept but don't do the running and keep an open mind. The older I got, the more I needed time for someone to grow on me. I did not get thunderbolts but like others said, at some point, you might start to feel like you are coming home when you go out with this person.

For me, the thunderbolts I got when I was younger were for unsuitable men - hence my no longer being with them. Thunderbolts are not indicative of anything, just hormones.

I met my husband when I was 32, when I'd completely given up on love. I didn't think anyone could ever love me or that my broken heart could heal enough for me to love anyone again either.

I didn't fall in love with him overnight because I was so emotionally damaged and closed off But I did know from our first conversation that I'd met someone special.

I'm 37 now, we've been married for a year and two months and are expecting our first child next month. If someone had told me before I met him that I'd be where I am now at 37 I would have said they were crazy or a "psychic" trying to sell me something. 😄

I do think there needs to be some spark from the get go but keep in mind that there are times when we can be blinded to its existence whether it be because we're jaded or just had a bad first impression.

Stop going on dates. Be picky.
Be comfortable being with yourself first.
18 months is not long after a 5 year relationship, dates need to be something you really want to do with someone. The more you go on first dates, the less exciting they'll be so limit it.

I dunno, but I didn't meet my DH until I was about to turn 29 28 years old. I wasn't looking. I'd been dragged out to a club when I'd really wanted to stay home and watch telly, and just sort of, noticed him. And he noticed me back. No thunderbolts or anything like that. No gushing love/lust/OMG he's my SOULMATE!! Just a genuine feeling that his one was a bit different. And that I'd like to see him again. I don't think its so hard to fall in love. I just think that your hormones aren't raging and there's a sort of conflict where maybe you think they should be and because its not all AMAZING you can't be arsed with it.

My friends and family insist that it is "not normal" that I never like any of the men I go out with and that I must be impossibly picky.

But then again if you don't feel any attraction towards someone, it is not like you can force yourself to feel differently

A poster above was right in saying that 18/months out of a LTR is not that long. Maybe its stull too soon.

If you don't like the guys you go out with, you don't like them. But if there is someone who is good to spend time with and could even be a mate don't write him off. Stop telling your friends and family about the dud ones and say 'if you know so many great men out there - introduce me' if they go on.