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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL living with us part time?

419 replies

powderbluegecko · 06/03/2018 18:03

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 06/03/2018 20:16

i would say it's her or me. and i'm not leaving this house. absolutely no way. he should have your back and he'd better shift his attitude.

pigsDOfly · 06/03/2018 20:18

God what a horrible idea.

If she's playing the frail old woman at 59 it's not going to be long before she's too weak and feeble to move every week to a different house and one of her DILs is going to be the lucky winner of a MIL who expects to be waited on hand and foot for the rest of her days, which as other pps have said could be 40 very long year. If you are the only SAHM out of the 3 DILs OP the chances are that that could be you.

No way in hell. She'll wreck your life and your marriage.

Oblomov18 · 06/03/2018 20:19

Christ on a Bike, no!!

pigsDOfly · 06/03/2018 20:21

Oh and I'm 10 years older than she is and I'm not bloody 'old' thank you very much.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/03/2018 20:24

Fuck! That's the level of hell that was too disturbing even for Dante.

Timetogetup0630 · 06/03/2018 20:24

ApocalypseNowt
Grin
I want a four bedroomed house to myself and to only use Fine China.

CherryMaDeary · 06/03/2018 20:25

I bet they're expecting you to wait on her hand and foot! Fuck that!

deste · 06/03/2018 20:25

YANBU, honestly I’d be tempted to say if she moves in you’ll move out. I told my DH that many times so he knew that would never be an option.

When I read that he said she was old at 59 I nearly choked. I’m 9 years older than she is and I still don’t think I’m old. Get the house done up anyway and just tell her this is what is happening and that she is moving back. Thinking about this I don’t think I would ever tell my family I was going to be living with them for a week at a time.

Goodasgoldilox · 06/03/2018 20:25

The expectation isn't that she would be going in to work each day with her dear son then?

I think that sons taking turns to move in with her for a week each is a much better one. It would be lovely for them all - just like old times.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 06/03/2018 20:26

Id quite simply be saying "is this fuck happening, if you are happy to live with your mother may I suggest you and each of your brothers spend a week each living with her in HER house. This is my house and she isn't staying here. If you mention it again, we will have a major issue on our hands.".

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 20:27

I am dying to know how the conversation is going

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 06/03/2018 20:27

Good Luck OP She sounds horrendous!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2018 20:27

I think he just doesn't want to believe that shes such a manipulative fraud

I don't suppose he does Hmm He'd soon find out if she moved in and ramped up the "illnesses" but of course that's far too high a price to pay

It's significant that her ex considers it worth the money he gives her "to keep her away", and probably tells you all you need to know ... either way, I hope your talk with DH goes well Flowers

Gide · 06/03/2018 20:27

Place marking. Fascinating stuff. No way would I allow this. I’m horrified that your dh thinks this is just going to happen!

Goodasgoldilox · 06/03/2018 20:27

On the debate about what is 'old' - my (eighty this month) father with real heart condition would be horrified at the idea of being looked after yet! He still helps the old folk in his parish.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/03/2018 20:28

The fact that her husband paid to get rid of her, shows that she must be a nightmare to live with.

HotCrossBun12 · 06/03/2018 20:29

Appalling. Hope your DH comes to his senses soon, it sounds like she has brainwashed him with guilt.

pictish · 06/03/2018 20:31

I liked “Hell the fuck no” as a response. It’s perfect. Say it to your stupid dh.

ThorsMistress · 06/03/2018 20:31

Good luck OP

I’m raging for you I really am 😡

If I was in your situation it would be a massive deal breaker on whether my relationship lasted.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 20:32

How do you place mark?

cooldarkroom · 06/03/2018 20:33

Also, on age ! my 87 yr old aunt recently drove me round Kruger game park in her own 4X4...... Amazing amazing revered woman

Riv · 06/03/2018 20:33

Just to add another YANBU. Your Mil sounds rather entitled.

59? not even at pension age yet... I'm over 60 and won't get mine for another 7 years... so why isn't she working or looking for work like similar aged single people (and most people in partnerships too)? Then she would have to get on with other humans that are not related and learn a few people skills too perhaps? And maybe even develop a social life of her own.
OK I know that's probably not a realistic option but that's due to the job market in most areas rather than your MiL's age.
I also don't agree with the government policy before you all shoot me down. But really... old at 59?

Why can't she renovate her own house, maybe with a bit of support from her sons? She's not yet a pensioner and far from old. I keep house, decorate, do repairs - small woodwork things, sewing, plumbing and that sort of stuff as standard. And I work full time outside the home. So do most of my similar aged and older friends. We grew up learning such skills as standard at school and , as an earlier poster pointed out, we didn't expect to live with our parents until we married. Most of us lived in various forms of rented accommodation with friends or alone before, between and after partners.

Maybe you should point this out to you DH.
59 Old? she's having you on.

chocatoo · 06/03/2018 20:33

The fact that he thought he could make such a big decision without consulting you worries me. Agree with PP who said the sons should each take a week turn at hers! They would soon get fed up with it!

In reality I can't see how she would sustain moving constantly between 3 houses - it would be exhausting.

TopsyDidIt · 06/03/2018 20:34

DH just walked in from work.

Me: 'There's this thread on MN. You know your mother will never ever live with us right?'

DH: 'Don't worry I know, would never happen'

And he likes his mother.

Fucking hell OP. Make things clear with your DH.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 06/03/2018 20:34

No! Just no!
This is no longer a mil problem this is a dh problem! It's your home, she's a grown woman she can live on her own, she chooses not to! You can't be told to just suck it up! 💐 walk out if this actually happens, you don't have to put up with it.

I have a mil who sounds just like yours, hoping I'm not the sil that hasn't been told yet...😂