To not want MIL living with us part time?

[powderbluegecko]

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

I'd have a conversation about it with him. Mainly I'd be interested to hear why he thinks someone I have barely spoken to for 4 years should move in. Then I'd point out that she moves in, I move out. I'd also point out that both SIL may not agree when she hears and that other BIL probably won't be getting married if this is the deal on offer. Think the idea that her son's take a week with her is one of the better ones. She is young and could have years ahead. For this reason if it was me I'd be looking to go back to work and NOT using MIL for any childcare.

Tell him he'd better start renovating that house as he's soon going to be living in it full time.

In your situation there is no way I would allow this. Your home is your sanctuary.

Why did he think it was acceptable to move someone in who your are almost NC with?

I adore my MIL and could have her live with us but even I'd be annoyed if my husband just decided without speaking to me.

shouldwestays suggestion is genius. If my dh worked long hours and I was a sahm and he just told me this was happening it would be a clear cut case of she arrives, I leave.

I'm 59 and if your dh thinks that's old he can fuck right off!
Do your other SILs know about this bonkers idea? I'd be tempted to get them all round and do a United "fuck to the no" with arms folded, bosoms hoicked and lips pursed. I'd also go on strike, a la Lysistrata, to get my point over.

She’s only a couple of years older than me. She doesn’t need looking after just yet I’m quite sure

He didn't ask you because he knew what you'd say. If you're t were me I'd tackle it n two fronts - tell your husband it isn't happening and make sure you and both SiLs are saying the same thing.

Why would a 59 year old woman want to move every week and not have her own home? She must be mad.

I don't envy you, I don't know how but don't let it happen. I knew a family in similar circumstances, drip-drip for years, terrible atmosphere for the children. If it does happen I suggest you, SiL and SiL-to-be do up her house and move in together! A better solution would be for the sons to do up her place if possible and take turns spending some time there until she can get a lodger or something. Has she got a sister/brother/cousin/mate who might want to move in with her?!

expatinscotland She would and probably SIL's too. I wish I could speak to her right now. Her and BIL2 have not been getting on for a while, this could literally be the end. I'm so fucking angry with them all.
Tawdry We aren't ethnically British and maybe there is more of a duty towards parents for us. But this goes way beyond that anyway. And I said after last time that whatever happened I was never living with her again and DH agreed.

When you and DH married you entered into a partnership not a dictatorship.

If you'd know living with MIL one week in 3 was part of the deal I expect you'd never have agreed to marry him.

He's changing the "terms" of the relationship and that's not on. It's akin to saying right "now we are in an open marriage because I say so" and you just being expected to nod and carry on. It's a fundamental and profound change that he's trying to impose and frankly you don't get to do that without consequences.

It's especially unreasonable as the burden falls more on you than him.

He's under the misapprehension that this a decision to be made between him and his brothers and mother - it's not. It's your decision as a couple and your say is arguably more important as you will spend more time with MIL.

Any decision made by other brothers and their partners is irrelevant - they don't get a vote on your lifestyle and vice versa. If one doesn't agree does that mean she's there every other week? What if she likes one house better than another - once her foot is in the door it's game over.

Stand your ground and don't agree to this. It's opening the door to potentially decades of pain (and cost) that will impact not just you but your children.

This is a ridiculous idea, I like my MIL but that doesn't mean that DH could move her in without asking me. Happily despite being in her 60's she is working, travelling and living life. She would have no wish to be looked after.
Try and talk your DH through the practicalities, it sounds as though he is making bad decisions through misplaced guilt.

A million times no.
Shouldwestay has the perfect solution.

Hell no.

If DH is happy to live with his mum and she doesn't want to live alone, then he can fix up her house and live with her there.

And yes, at the less than ripe old age of 59 you could easily have another 20 or 30 years of this shit.

Bloody hell. She is only six years older than me. No way would I want to be living like that in six years.

If I were you I would remain very calm. And just keep saying “no, not happening”.

Unbelievable solution!

Why can’t you phone your sils? First thing I would do in your shoes. Oh and tell him he can fuck off.

The bitch Is trying to ruin all your marriages isn’t she

All the hell to the fuck no’s in life. How dare he? I’m kinda upset on your behalf! Would you be able to afford to leave and take your DD?

Oh hell no! They can take turns and stay at her house as a pp said.

I can't move past the fact that your DH has presented this as fait accompli. It's absolutely disgraceful and very disrespectful to you. How do you feel about his complete disregard of your opinion?

A conversation needs to be had with your DH and you need to find out if he sees your status as SAHM means you forfeit any opinion on what happens in your home.

Or maybe the week she has to stay with you, you and DD can go and move into her house

Over my dead body!

YY to the idea of your DH moving in with his mum into her flat, if it's not that big a deal. He can be the bigger person there by himself.

He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything.

Again! What is it with these men who think it’s ok to move mum in and not consult their wife first. Obviously this is fine and dandy by him as he doesn’t have to spend any time with her.

Another vote for @shouldwestayorshouldwego’s suggestion.

And I said after last time that whatever happened I was never living with her again and DH agreed.

Tell him he can't go back on his agreement.

It sounds like the arrangement is only viable if all members of all three couples are on board - I assume that none of the sons wants to offer to have their mother full time or even every other week. Given that it sounds highly likely that one or both SiLs will categorically refuse and/or disappear as a result of this, I suspect it's a total non-starter.

I don't want to ruin SIL's holiday. But maybe it would be better for her to know now instead getting hit with it when she comes home? I don't know. I don't know BIL1's fiance at all, spoke to her for about 2 mins at the wedding we were at, I don't even know her surname to find her on facebook.
Oraiste the idea of her looking after my DD makes me feel physically sick. She used to pinch my nephew when he was a baby and she lost my DH once when he was little and didn't look for him.