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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I be fired for this?

75 replies

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 06/03/2018 16:24

Picture the scene:

A small office. Close knit working relationships. A previously harmonious balance.

January comes, and a new presence enters the office. Although he's only 6 inches tall, you can tell immediately that your boss is smitten. You're surprised he took the plunge, but here you are.

It's Colin the Cactus.

You start to suspect that your boss likes Colin more than you. He directs comments at Colin. He waters him, moves him to the windowsill to get more light. You're asked to turn off your fan heater in case it's affecting the ambience of the office and stunting Colin's growth.

Then it happens. Your boss is in a meeting. You only went to his desk to pick up a file you need. You must have brushed against the pot. It goes flying. It crashes to the ground.

And now you have to make a choice. You can't just go back to the way things were. Because however much you pretend otherwise, you still know. You've seen things. You're not the woman you were.

However hard you try, you can't ignore the fact that for two months... your boss has been lovingly tending a plastic cactus.

AIBU to resign and flee in the night rather than break a grown man's heart?

Help me, MN. You're my only hope.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 06/03/2018 19:12

I once [25 years ago] lovingly planted some plastic chives [not bought by me] in a friend's garden. Watered it in and everything.

I am now a qualified and experienced horticulturalist who gets paid to teach people horticulture. I use this anecdote when someone looks lost and petrified of doing the wrong thing.

NaiceToMeetYou · 06/03/2018 19:14

Oh please please replace it with a bigger one Grin

Aprilmightmemynewname · 06/03/2018 20:00

I am imagining Colin from The Britas Empire!!

viques · 07/03/2018 11:32

I think people have got it wrong, as I read it Colin is fine, not damaged at all, but, sadly , has now been outed as a fake cactus who does not need water, sunlight or a cosy ambiance.

If I were you OP I would keep quiet.

Until April 1 - when I would replace Colin with a real cactus. Or a dancing daisy.

AskingForAnEnemy · 07/03/2018 11:38

Love it Grin

magicstar1 · 07/03/2018 11:42

Haha that's brilliant. My dad was telling me how long a daffodil he'd bought from a charity for daffodil day had lasted...I had to tell him it was a fake lol.
You could get a whole selection of cacti in different sizes and make it look like Colin is really growing Grin

bigbluebus · 07/03/2018 11:50

luckywoman I just clicked on your link and it said "21 people are currently looking at this item"! I assume they are all Mumsnetters Grin.

BevBrook · 07/03/2018 14:04

I love the review on the Matalan page. "Great if you like cactuses."

user187656748 · 07/03/2018 14:07

Esio Trot springs to mind OP

However I'm an employment lawyer and its clearly gross misconduct to out Colin so I'd be careful.

MichaelBendfaster · 07/03/2018 14:37

Great if you like cactuses.

Grin Grin Grin

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/03/2018 14:41

Unfortunately, not only sack-able, but I doubt anyone will ever hire you again after this. Sorry OP.

PositivelyPERF · 07/03/2018 14:44

Ridiculous cactiphobes, the lot of you. If Colin says he’s a real cactus 🌵 then he IS a real cactus. 😠

Sheusedtobesomeonelse · 07/03/2018 15:33

God, this is funny!!
I'd love a plastic cactus!
In Ikea there is lovely largish plastic cactus - more of a Christopher, than a Colin I feel though.. Colin could be upgraded!

ajandjjmum · 07/03/2018 15:39

We need to know the reaction OP!

whiskyowl · 07/03/2018 17:09

Thanks for the laugh, OP! I needed it today Grin

I think you should go full-scale Twits on him. Buy a series of carefully gradated cacti, each ever so slightly larger than the last. Replace Colin on a weekly basis...

qazxc · 07/03/2018 18:54

anonymous letter telling him that Colin is plastic.
Otherwise you will continue to pander to the whims of an artificial plant.
Could the Boss be playing an elaborate and drawn out prank on you?

MyFavouriteChameleon · 07/03/2018 18:58

The only reasonable thing to do would be to by the poor man a new cactus. It was obviously love and he will grieve badly.
I'm guessing the old cactus is likely fine though, being made of plastic! Just a new pot and any old compost or sand should do it :-).

MyFavouriteChameleon · 07/03/2018 19:00

What's been happening to all the water then if it's plastic?
Cactii need very little water, so I suspect whatever he gave it will have evaporated away fine.

CryptoFascist · 07/03/2018 19:02

Please do what whiskyowl suggested, OP!

Glumglowworm · 07/03/2018 19:28

Colin identifies as a real cactus!

I think Colin definitely needs to acquire a flower, boss will be thrilled

Bratsandtwats · 07/03/2018 19:53

Grin x 100.

BellyBean · 07/03/2018 20:20

Have you seen/read esio trot?

A series of increasingly large fake 🌵 is the only solution.

ScreamingValenta · 07/03/2018 20:25

Fake an article about how cactuses can acquire a 'plastic-like' texture with too much watering, and casually draw your boss's attention to it.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 07/03/2018 20:26

If Colin says he’s a real cactus 🌵 then he IS a real cactus. 😠

I agree. Ignore the TURFS Colin!!!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 07/03/2018 20:29

Don't you mean CERFs?

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