Mistaken identity

[AmiU]

AIBU to have a little rant to MN, I'd feel too petty to say anything IRL.

I'm from an ethnic minority, living in a largely white area of London. Just yesterday, I had all of the following in one day:

• TA in DDs class sent (and often does) the other brown girl (OBG) out to me instead of my own DD.
• gym teacher regaled me with a story of how she wanted to date an Asian man on a dating app, but ended up dating an entirely different man by mistake, as they look 'the same, dark with beards'. She showed me pictures. They didn't look the same.
• kid from DD5's class cheerfully shouts 'bye, OBG's name' to my DD.
• a school mum says hi to me from time to time, but I don't know her and she calls me by a completely different Asian name. She even has names for DD and DS. Obviously, she thinks I'm a different Asian mum.

Obviously I know all these people are nice, friendly people and not racist in the slightest.

But there's nothing like it to make you feel like an alien in your own country, especially 4 times in one bloody day!

How horrible for you! Even if they don't mean it, it's still not nice. I'm sorry and I hope it doesn't make you feel alienated OP!

I would just smile politely and correct them each time!

It's not intentionally racist from them but it is a bit shit. People aren't as good at recognising faces from cultures other than their own but it would only take a bit of effort! Especially for the TA - it's shocking that she can't tell the kids apart.

Sorry OP - can totally understand why this has upset you! It shows a real lack of consideration and awareness!

I don't mind it at all. I remember when i moved to the Uk as a child when I was 9, I actually found it a bit difficult to tell 2 blonde girls in my class apart at first, as they were the first blondes I'd ever seen! It's not anyone's fault but it still feels a bit shit.

It's shit and ignorant but you need to start making a point of correcting them. Even if you feel awkward and embarrassed (though you'd have no reason to), pull up your big girl pants and make a point of it. Even if you have to say "No, I'm not xyz, we don't all look the same".

I'm mixed race and when I was in school there were 3 other mixed race girls. All different mixes, but we were all often confused for each other.

I fondly look back on the time when one of the other mixed race girls went off on a random run through a huge park next to our school during her PE lesson and the teacher was screaming my name "VLAAAAAD! "VLAAAD!! GET BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY!". I ended up getting detention for that despite having been in a totally different class on the other side of the school. My mother was furious .

I experienced this for the first time at a conference the other day. The chairwoman was black and although I'd not once been given a chance to contribute to the discussion, she selected someone else again saying 'well we've heard from you so lets have someone else' and I realised she couldn't tell the white women apart.

It was certainly a wake up call for me in my everyday interactions where it is very much the other way around.

That's a bit rubbish, though as you say, probably not intentional. I know you absolutely shouldn't have to, but - can you wear something distinctive on the school run? It might help.

I'm rubbish at recognising faces and remembering names. I'm distinctive so people nearly always remember me and I often don't have a clue how they know me/who they are

It's not necessarily them thinking that all Asian people look the same (apart from the gym teacher - though it seems odd anyway having that conversation with gym teacher so maybe she's just odd generally!). It could just be that they've got the names muddled as people do. I completely confused 2 blonde women once at where I used to work - they did look vaguely similar to me. In fact I also confused a friend's ex with his then new gf (that was embarrassing) - they were blonde too but didn't look alike. There was also the time when a teacher decided to refer to me by the wrong name & then got annoyed because I didn't answer - not helped by the fact that she had odd eyes (when they appear to be looking elsewhere iyswim) and so didn't seem to be looking at me.
Sometimes you wrongly associate a name with a face and then keep getting it wrong for ever more. It doesn't mean that someone is confusing you with everyone else that has the same colour skin - it just means they're shit at recognising people or remembering them.
Have you actually told the mum in the final example? If not then she's never going to get it right because she doesn't know she's getting it wrong.

its not done with malicious intent so i wouldnt get upset about it. ive had strange children run up to me thinking i was their mum (due to being one of a very small group of ethnic minority) or someone thinking i was the hired aupair when picking up my white nephew and nieces. tbh i find it humorous.

In my dd's class at secondary school, there was one black girl and one mixed race (half black, half white) girl, so they had completely different skin tones.

Nonetheless, the teachers constantly managed to mix them up, and would use quite a range of excuses for doing so, ranging from, "you're both quite tall" and "both your names end in A", to "you're sitting in parallel desks so it's confusing".

Yanbu, and it wouldn't be petty to say something in real life. If it wasn't for the children, I'd be tempted to bellow to the TA "no, it's the other one - again". Obviously the kid shouting the wrong name I wouldn't say anything, but these adults need to get a grip!

If you can, just correct the woman who gets your name wrong at least, she wants to be friendly, she can learn the right name. And I honestly would call out the TA - just have a quiet word. She needs to know the difference between the two girls for their sakes at school.

Your right, it's shit, but not international. I grew up mainly around females - my dad worked abroad so it was just my mum, me and my sister. I went to an all girls school. As an adult I've struggle so so hard to tell different men apart. All white men look the same.... all black men look the same.... all Asian men look the same.... I'm alright with females though. So it's not just an ethnic culture thing, it's just a what-you've-grown-up-with-thing

International? I meant intentional

I get this. I am mixed, three fourths Asian one fourth white European. My DD has a white European father and at first glance she looks completely white European. We are also in a fairly white area.

There is one other girl in DD's nursery who is half Asian half British, her mum is from the same part of the world as my Asian ancestory. She looks half Asian and has a British name, my DD looks white and has an Asian name. Nursery are ALWAYS getting their names the wrong way around, and I've had the other girl handed to me at home time too. Why is it so difficult?

It is cultural and what you are most familiar with. Once got a phone call at the office from someone's landlady (who sounded Chinese) looking for a particular guy (who she only knew his first name). As we had 2 people with that name I asked her to describe him. 'I don't know' was the reply 'you all look the same to me'.

That said I spent some time in the far east and initially struggled with this problem but after a month my visual acuity had retuned and is wasn't a problem. So IMO it's simply how the human race is apparently wired. Helps to be aware of the issue though.

It is about familiarity isn't it. People mix my sons up. They don't look at all the same to me!

I don't think it's always familiarity though. In my case my DD and the other girl have both been going to nursery together for months, they look nothing alike, but somehow there is this assumption that their names must be the wrong way around that the staff cannot seem to totally override. They've had plenty of time to get to know them. And in the OP's case they have had plenty of time to get to know her and her DC!

I used to get this a lot when i lived in Asia. My daughter and my friends daughter were the only western children on their preschool class (we are all blonde) and other parents couldn't tell us apart, even by the end of the year. It did get wearing, although I have quite poor facial recognition skills, so I'm not really in any place to comment!

Dd2 and her best friend were always being mixed up at infant age. They were similar height and both had fair hair, but that's as far as it went.

I used to get a version of this. I'm a twin ( both female), we don't look alike, different colour hair different body shape, she's 4" taller than me.
Most people didn't even realise we were related, until they found out we were twins, then overnight they were completely unable to tell the difference. I will still answer if I hear her name - a Pavlovian reflex, I'm so used to being called it!

There is an explanation for this.
People from different races look for identifying characteristics on faces in differing areas. When someone not of that race is presented with a row of faces, (as they have not grown up looking for those features), they have no idea, because they are not looking at the correct areas of the face. They are looking for the areas they identify with to differentiate individuals from their race.

I am dark haired often mistaken for Spanish/Italian type heritage by children are half Swedish. We moved to Sweden a couple of years ago and 3/4 of girls in her class look exactly the same, pale with long straight blonde hair. I cannot tell them apart. At a recent party I kissed the wrong 10 year old on top of the head and said 'Ready to go Sweetie?'

Ugh, that sucks.

Nothing useful to add but you have my sympathy.

It's shit when it happens I'm black and grew up in a white part of London and it happened so much especially in school with a couple of the other black girls in the class it used to wind me up so much we're black but that's where the similarity ends, we looked nothing alike! I do think it's harder to tell the difference between other races though as I'm really bad at remembering white men their faces just merge as one to me and I struggle to remember their names it's awful I also hate period dramas where everyone pretty much looks the same as how the hell am I suppose to keep up with who is who?!