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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Controlling Step-Grandmother

10 replies

Lastdodo · 06/03/2018 15:05

My Father has been re-married for over 25 years but over the past 5 years, his wife has increasingly become increasingly controlling over the amount of time and frequency with which he 'is permitted' to have contact with myself, my DS (his Grandson), my sister and her DS.

Examples of this include telephone conversations being time limited or cut short to 'help with dinner', time controlled contact when we do meet (to the point of watch watching) and blatant ignoring of conversation - or changing conversation topic altogether. There's also a pattern of 'migraines' changing plans cutting short personal interaction with my father.

My DF and his wife have 2 grown up children of their own who are always fully included in family events and get togethers whereas my sister and I (I refer to as 'the first family') are constantly excluded. At my SS recent wedding, the 'first family' were excluded from photographs for example.

It's become increasingly obvious that 'The First Family' are being kept 'out of sight' to be kept 'out of mind' and the number and frequency of phone calls has now dwindled to birthdays and a phone call at Christmas. This is now having an impact on my 14 year old DS who doesn't understand why his Grandfather doesn't want to spend time with him.

AIBU to expect by father to want to spend time with his GS?

We live some distance apart so our time together has always been difficult to arrange because where we live and work. However even though my sister and I live a long distance apart, we are really close, and speak several times a week. I've got to the point where I'm thinking it's pointless to even try to maintain a relationship - but don't want this to affect my DS relationship with his GF.

OP posts:
Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 15:08

How sad op. Can you access your dad without her interfering? Just visit or phone and ask to speak to your dad. Both you and your sister together and tell him straight how upset you are.

Did something happen 5 years ago?

Trinity66 · 06/03/2018 15:09

I think you need to blame your dad rather than your step mother. He's his own person and he's your father. maybe ask him to meet and tell him what's on your mind?

Lastdodo · 06/03/2018 15:12

She's always been controlling but we've been unable to make the travelling effort as much (visiting) because of work commitments / distance etc. I suppose I've been less inclined to make the effort if it's not reciprocated...

OP posts:
Lastdodo · 06/03/2018 15:19

Have tried to speak to my father but he just clams up - he's scared to 'rock the boat' and upset his wife. I can understand this after the breakdown of his first marriage broke his heart!

OP posts:
SciFiRocker · 06/03/2018 15:22

The man needs to put his children first - tell him that if he doesn't then he will lose both you and his grandchild!

Aprilmightmemynewname · 06/03/2018 15:25

My df lost me and my dc for being a weak man. Years down the line I know he was fully responsible - he was an adult but behaved like a child being told what to do. His loss. Tell your df outright what he stands to lose. Then unfortunately it's up to him.

invitroveritas · 06/03/2018 15:33

StepGran is interested in her own family and trying to edge yours out. She has 365 days a year to work on her DH to achieve this and if he's not inclined to go against her wishes you will find it very difficult.

You could speak to her about how you feel (and keep a record of the conversation) and make your side of the family aware of what she said to you in response.

Btw, to your knowledge did DF and StepGran have new wills drawn up 5 years ago by any chance?

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 15:38

I must admit the will crossed my mind too

Trinity66 · 06/03/2018 15:42

You can make excuses for your dad all you want but he's the main one at fault because he's supposed to be your dad, no one should be able to make him cut contact with his children

Lastdodo · 06/03/2018 17:09

Reading 'Healing the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson was a real eye-opener and this covers step-parents too

Reassuring to see what others see in black and white too. Thank you for your feedback... Smile

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