How do you get over wanting another child but DH doesn’t?

[NoMoreBabies123]

Just that.

How do you get over this because I don’t seem to be able to get over the broodyness for another baby.

Has anyone had the same?

DH will never change his mind about it. So I have to get over it.

It's tough but try and focus on the good things about only have 1 or 2 (or however many you have!!)

I’m surprised more people haven’t been in this position? Is it not that common?

I think its quite common but its an insurmountable thing. I was in the same position. I thought there would be a cold sliver of ice in my heart forevermore. You just get over it in the end though. We're more or less back to normal now outs no longer possible.

I've seen several threads on it.

There's no middle ground, unfortunately! Someone has to not get their way.

It should of course be the person who wants another. You can't bring a baby into the world when one parent doesn't want it - or, it's a terrible idea to do so.

BUT. If you agreed previously on x number, and now he's backtracked, then that's pretty unfair. And a reason to call time, if you feel that strongly.

I also personally feel that while refusing to have a third, fourth etc. is one thing, starting a family and then suddenly refusing to have more than one is quite another. I know many folk who have chosen to have an only child, and that's great, but I think it would be very hard on a parent who wanted to have more than one and for their child to have a sibling and for the partner to refuse. I really think you have to be on the same page there otherwise the resentment would be MASSIVE.

I would have liked 3. DH only wanted 2. We had 2 boys and then DH booked himself an appointment for a vasectomy.
I didn't want him to have it done. But he was adamant that he didn't want any more children. He had it done when ds2 was 6 weeks old. It took me a couple of years to come to terms with never having a 3rd. But I had to respect his feelings too

I have 2 boys and always, always wanted 3 children (sex immaterial, I just wanted 3) - I grew up as the middle of 3 and had a wonderful upbringing and my siblings and I were extremely close.

I recall my second thought after giving birth to DS2 (after seeing how frigging beautiful he was) was to pray that this wasn't my last baby. But I knew DH wasn't fully on board with 3. In the early days I could have probably twisted his arm but there were so many reasons not to, despite my inner desire for a third:

• we live in an offshore jurisdiction and it's extortionate here
• we would have to privately educate 3 children
• fewer vacations
• less cash to spend on frivolous spending (of which I'm a fan!)
• to fly 5 of us back to the UK for visits would be eye watering
• both DH and I work full time in demanding roles. I didn't truly feel that I would be able to devote equal amounts of attention to all 3.

In the end, I asked my DH to give me some time to come to terms with it. I decided that if we didn't have one before I turned 38 then I wasn't going to do it.

Thankfully as the years have gone past the yearning has totally disappeared. Importantly I don't feel like there is anyone missing from our family. Our boys are 6 and 4 and are best friends. To add another to the mix wouldn't be to their benefit in the slightest.

And I'll be honest (because this is how much hormones lead the charge in so many things...), if I were to find myself pregnant now, my first reaction wouldn't be one of joy. It would be an "oh fuck" moment. So I've literally spun a 180 and have zero desire for another child.

Of course I see newborns and I get wonderful wistful but the idea of going back to the beginning now that I've no pampers to worry about, or potty training, or tantrums fills me with dread.

I know exactly how you feel and I really do feel for you because that yearn is real and it's something that either goes away with time, or sticks with you.

I found that busying myself with me has really helped. I'm now in peak fitness, I run, swim, box fit, I'm lead singer of a band and we get to perform in New York, I have a career I love, I can go out and dance until all hours, I can throw money at massages and hair appointments and shopping trips if I want - And all of these things means that I'm constantly reminded that I'm my own person with my own desires and dreams and wishes.

When I became a mum I thought that my life as I knew it would change and that I would become solely focused on my kids. And I think had I been a SAHP, I would have yearned for that 3rd child for much longer as I would have been "in the trenches" so to speak.

Please give yourself time, start doing more things for you if you can as it helps to bring your mind away from your role as a parent.

Good luck.

See I don't agree with this. I think both parties get to change their mind at any point (other than when an agreed on baby's been conceived). No one knows how they're going to find being a parent until they do it, no woman knows how they are going to find child-bearing until have born a child. Pushing someone to be the parent of more children on the basis that they once said they wanted 2/3/4/a large family is unfair.

OP I wanted 3, dh had initially said 2 or 3 but then wanted to stop at 2. It took me a long time (6 years) to fully come to terms with it, but I have now and, in many ways, (time and money being the main ones) he was right - with 2 we're comfortable, 3 would have been a stretch and, although I'm sure we'd have loved the child, the extra strain on us as a couple and a family would have been considerable.

No that is a fair point, Barbarian.

I suppose I'm thinking more about a big goalpost shift - thinking in fact of a thread ages ago where the H had been all for the big family the OP wanted, then after number 1 compltely backtracked, no more kids ever. It seemed quite cut and dried that he'd said what she wanted to hear. She felt he'd spun her a line until he felt she was trapped, once they had a baby. Was sad.

How many do you have if you don't mind saying? I agree having to stop at 1 is probably harder than 2 or more. But again it's about focusing on the benefits

What ages are your others? At times I’ve felt compelled to have more and then the urge passes. I think hormones have a lot to do with it. In my experience children are a wonderful blessing but they’re an incredible amount of work!

These are things you talk about before getting married, then you find someone who wants what you want.

Yes, but you can talk about them and then have something change your mind when the reality of life hits.

Nobody can predict how they will feel about parenting. You could initially be up for birthing a football team, but a dreadful labor and delivery with child 1 could put an end to that before it's even started!!

You can't predict what life will throw at you to make you change your mind, or have circumstances change it for you.

I, personally, knew that my DH really only wanted 2 children. He knew I always wanted 3. But we never decided at the beginning that we were definitely going to have 3 - if we had and he'd then changed his mind after DS2, I may have found it harder to accept.

I think you have to both want a child be that 1 or 5! You can’t force someone to parent another child it’s very unfair.

We have 5 and dh would have had more. No way.

Op concentrate on the positives and I think the broody feelings will be put in their place

How many do you have already OP?

I don't know really OP. I'm not in this situation yet, we have 2 dc at the moment (2nd only a newborn at the moment) and I have always been very clear about wanting 3. My reason for wanting 3 is because I only have one sibling who is severely disabled and I would have really loved another sibling to share the responsibility of that with. So I always was adamant about wanting 3.

I think my dh would probably be happy with two if I wasn't bothered but he knows I want 3 and why so I would find it very difficult if he then wasn't prepared to have a third. If would definitely affect our marriage and how I felt about him. I don't know what I'd do, I don't know if I'd get over it like pp above.

For me, it was easier when DH said that his view was definite. Before that, we'd agreed to keep it under review, so I kept hoping that as DD got older and easier to manage, he would change his mind. Once it was certain, that was the end of the matter, and there was no point giving it further headspace.

I was in this position. Dd is 3 and I was desperate for her to have a sibling but dh doesn't want anymore. I was so sad. I cried. I almost broke our family up because of it. The need to have another child was unbearable.

However, I got over it. I looked at all of the reasons dd would benefit from being an only child and I'm making sure we make the most of only having one child. I still feel jealous sometimes of larger families but I do feel better knowing that I have a happy healthy dd and always try to look at the positives.

It is hard so you have my sympathy 💐

I’m here. It’s currently driving us apart and down. I feel like a totally incomplete mother with just one. I hate going to school, playgrounds, parties full of siblings and pushchairs and new babies.
I hate myself for not being sufficiently grateful and satisfied with what I’ve got. I can’t stand the fact that my desire for this is making my partner feel pressurised, I feel like an awful person for it.
I’m having counselling to help my thinking but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
I don’t know how to change my thinking on this, and it’s been nearly 2 years this way.
No guidance, sorry, but massive sympathy for you. It really is very, very difficult

I was in this position about 9 years ago but I remember it very clearly.
We already had 2 DCs but I was desperate for a 3rd, DH was not.
It was a very low time for us and I did even get to the point where I thought about leaving him to find someone else to have another child with! Unthinkable now.

I hate to say it when you are probably after a quick fix, but time was my greatest healer. The older my DCs got and the further away from babyhood we were as a family the easier it became.

Then about 3 years ago my niece was born. She was the first newborn I had held for some time. Previously holding a newborn was painful and full of 'what if' feelings. But this time that didn't happen. I was happy to cuddle her of course but equally happy to give her back!

Now, my DCs are 14 and 12. A positive pregnancy test would be one of the most difficult things to deal with right now. I've reached a place where I absolutely do not want another baby. It took time though.

I’m glad to hear that it will pass with time, right now it feels like that will never happen.

We have two kids 7 and 10, and an unplanned pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 15 weeks last summer.

This is where all this feeling is coming from. I don’t think I’d feel quite this bad if it wasn’t for that. I’ve dont counselling and antidepressants which have helped immeasurably but nothing will get rid of this yearning for a third child.

Give yourself time. And let yourself be sad about it but you have to do it without blaming your DH. But mostly give yourself time.