Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

PIL holiday

56 replies

Rainfallrainbow · 06/03/2018 06:48

I feel I need some other perspectives on this as I’m becoming irrationally annoyed.

PIL are very well off and go on multiple fancy holidays a year. Approx 4 weeks before they were due to go on current one, both of fil’s parents were rushed into hospital. Fil’s sister immediately cancelled her exotic holiday (had been due to fly a few days after) to be with her parents. Unfortunately fil’s Dad passed away and his mum remains extremely ill and has only just come out of hospital but the decision has been made that she will have to go into a home ASAP. I’m pregnant and 1 day after the funeral we found out that our baby was seriously ill in the womb. They didn’t elaborate, other than saying the scan suggested a serious chromosomal abnormality, but referred us to a fetal med appointment for a few days later. Obviously we were shocked and frightened and worried, etc. 2 days after that (so 3 after funeral), pil flew off on holiday.

We have now had our fetal med appointment and learnt that our baby has died. Because I am in my second trimester, I will be going into hospital today to have a pessary and give birth to our baby. Words don’t really describe how we are feeling right now.

Dh text his parents to let them know, and we received a reply, but no phone call (will cost a lot to call from where they are, but they can afford it!)

I feel so angry with them. EVen before our pregnancy problems started, dh and I thought it was a bit much that they were still going, considering fil Dad had just been buried and his mum was still seriously ill and had literally only been out of hospital a matter of a day or too (she is extremely poorly and we were concerned that she might pass away while they are on holiday). Now we have lost our baby and I feel dh needs the support of his parents and they’re just not here. They won’t get home for another fortnight.

I think the fact that they have SO many holidays is the thing, it wasn’t long since there last one and won’t be long until their next one. They were needed here by fil’s Mum and now they’re needed by us. I just feel angry at how selfish they’ve been by going. They knew before they flew that baby had serious problems and had already toyed with the idea of cancelling but dismissed it. In mil’s reply she said she felt so helpless? Well yeah, you chose to travel 1000s of miles away when you knew this could happen! And don’t make it about how you feel!!!!!!!!!

Aibu? Is my anger misdirected? Or do I have a right to feel that dh has been let down?

OP posts:

gerispringer · 06/03/2018 07:35

So sorry to hear of the loss of your baby and the stresses you are facing. When I had problems with a difficult birth ( nothing like your situation) the last people I would have wanted around were my PiL don’t get angry with them, they may have felt they needed to get away after their bereavenpment, and there was nothing much they could really do to help you. Just focus on yourself and your dh today.

Rockandrollwithit · 06/03/2018 07:39

OP I'm so sorry about your baby. Sending you strength

glueandstick · 06/03/2018 07:43

You can do this. You come across as a strong and capable lady. Not a person here thinks you’re unreasonable for your thoughts today. Concentrate on yourself :)

rookiemere · 06/03/2018 07:46

I'm so sorry OP and to bigupapple for your losses.

I just wanted to put a slightly different perspective on it. As I move closer to retirement age I notice that people only have a few good years for travelling before they become too infirm . I'm currently in the sandwich generation - dependent DS , elderly parents and I hope when I retire I get to go in some of the big trips I want to. That may make them appear a bit selfish.

If your PIL are normally good people then they may also not have realised that you wanted them to be there for you - I wouldn't automatically expect that to be the case . Take care of yourself

Alabama3 · 06/03/2018 07:48

thinking of you and sending love

Frombothsidesnow · 06/03/2018 07:52

All my thoughts with you today. My own PiLs let us down repeatedly in a similar situation and I understand how hurt you feel and also how much easier it is to think of this right now.

DH and I are still often angry at them but we have a workable relationship. My in-laws basically put their own feelings first at all times, including how difficult it was for them to lose a grandchild, and once we all accept that fact, we get on well enough.

TheMaddHugger · 06/03/2018 07:53

Softest of (((((((Madd Hugs ))))))))))) Rainfallrainbow 💐💐

Soft ((((Madd Hugs )))))))) to you too bigupapple 💐💐

shakeyourcaboose · 06/03/2018 07:55

rookie that's the thought process I think my parents have, that retirement is THEIR time, which l of course don't dispute, but like others here, it's quite hurtful to think that this includes prioritizing a holiday over family in distress, and yes it may come across as truculent, but I'll remember what they see as 'important' in life.

shakeyourcaboose · 06/03/2018 07:56

And of course rainfall thinking of you today.

bittern79 · 06/03/2018 08:10

I'm so sorry, rainfall. Thinking of you today.

Flyingprettycretonnecurtains · 06/03/2018 08:13

So sorry for your loss. I think perhaps they thought they might be in the way or not be any use to you and your husband. They might have thought that they might be intruding. That said, I think it a bit off to go away with mother being so ill and clearly a lot to organise with the home. It is possible they are deflecting their own worries and grief by going away.

What matters is you and your husband now. Anything else is peripheral. Every best wish and un mumsnetty hugs.

amyboo · 06/03/2018 08:18

Forget about them and focus on yourselves. I lost my DS2 at 37 weeks and we had nothing from the in-laws - no flowers, no card, nothing. They never talk about him because 6 years later we're supposed to be "over it". They never remember the anniversary of his death, never ask how we're doing. In addition, when DS3 was born just 10 months after we lost DS2, he was premature and in the nicu for 6 weeks. They didn't come and see him until he was 4 months old! They didn't send a gift for him until he was 2 months old!

We now have 3 healthy kids, and they haven't been to visit us in nearly 2 years. We live abroad, but only a 1 hour flight from them. They also go on holiday constantly - 3 or 4 exotic holidays a year. I long since gave up giving a shit about them, and my oldest DC now sees through them too....

amyboo · 06/03/2018 08:20

Just to add, I hope it all goes OK with the birth of your little baby. It's heartbreaking. Just try to focus on yourself and DH and you'll get through it. It doesn't really get any easier as the years go by, but it gets easier to not think about it all the time if that makes sense.

Laiste · 06/03/2018 08:26

OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you are deflecting as well right now, which is perfectly understandable and a way for your mind to stop focusing on your pain.

I think previous posters are right - your PIL are in a bit of a bubble right now with what has been going on with DHs Grandparents and are escaping. If they are normally good people then maybe cut them some slack this time. Perhaps it is the case that they feel this time is so personal for you and your DH that there is literally nothing they could say or do which would help?

Wishing strength to you and your DH today x

eosmum · 06/03/2018 08:29

I'm so sorry, and will be thinking of you both today.

Original poster

Rainfallrainbow · 06/03/2018 08:29

Bigupapple and amyboo (and anyone else who posted re baby loss), I’m so sorry.

Amyboo that sounds horrendous, big hugs. My youngest sister was stillborn at 38 weeks. She would have been 26 this year. I’m lucky that both my parents are able to support us through this, from a place of understanding. Although I’m only 13 and a bit weeks, so no where near as traumatic as a stillbirth (I remember my sister’s stillbirth quite vividly and i don’t know how my parents got through it), my Mam and Dad have been so supportive. They know what to say, and what not to say. I suppose because they have been there. Pil haven’t experienced miscarriage/stillbirth so I suppose there might be an element of them not knowing what to do.

Thank you for all the kind thoughts and hugs.

OP posts:

HermioneKipper · 06/03/2018 08:31

I’m so sorry for your loss, there are no words.

I don’t blame you for being upset, your PIL are utter bastards. So selfish. I wouldn’t be able to get past this one easily. Try and focus on yourself and your DH but can completely see why you are cross.

Frazzled2207 · 06/03/2018 08:36

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes PILs have behaved pretty insensitively and in time I suspect they will
Come to realise this.

However you need to look after yourself right now and not concern yourself with them.

Idontdowindows · 06/03/2018 08:52

I am so sorry about your baby. Take care of yourselves.

Rudgie47 · 06/03/2018 08:56

I'd forget about them, for good, it would be totally over if I was you. They will most likley need some type of support themselves in the future.When they do just signpost them to agencies.Tell them your not getting involved.
I'm so sorry about your baby, please take care and concentrate on yourself.

TheSnowFairy · 06/03/2018 09:03

Rainfall

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/03/2018 09:04

Bless you, you are in an awful situation and understandably angry. I’m sure they are really worried but possibly felt there was nothing they could usefully do. It can be difficult making these decisions. They may have felt you and DH needed time alone together.

I would say don’t waste energy on feeling aggrieved with them, concentrate on your own well being. They may come into their own when they get back.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 06/03/2018 09:07

I’m really sorry about your baby. . I agree you may be deflecting but that’s probably a pretty healthy self protective thing to do subconsciously in the circumstances.

Possibly they feel that the last thing you would need at the moment is overbearing interfering PILs. I would say about 75% of women on here would not welcome the presence of their in laws too much at this time so they may be thinking it’s for the best.

I was going to say concentrate on yourself, but fuck it, you’re entitled to do exactly what you need to at the moment. And if feeling angry with someone is what you need to do right now go ahead and do it. You must be in pretty unimaginable pain and you just need to do what you can to get through it whatever that is.

rocketgirl22 · 06/03/2018 09:09

I am so sorry op, it is horrendous for you and for dh.

Focus on getting through this one day at a time.

Another great example of selfish baby boomers. You are right they should be here, but they are not, so you know now you can never ever truly rely on them. I hope you have other family and friends there to support you.

JustHappy3 · 06/03/2018 09:24

My parents did a very similar thing. They were almost angry with me for spoiling their holiday with the bad news. They never rang or texted to see how we were when they were away.
I was very hurt. Unbelievably so and the grief just intensifies everythingso much. I feel for you
The anger goes - you won't be carrying this rage forever. For me it was accepting that they don't do emotional support. They are amazing with practical support in a crisis but they just can't cope with "private" feelings. They're not the kind to share how they feel and simply can't respond.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread