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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Homophobic comment to 5 year old?

47 replies

Mrsknackered · 06/03/2018 00:38

Backstory: Not first incident with my 5 year olds school (maybe some of you might remember the proposed 'yellow sash' punishment) I have been in contact with class teacher and family liaison a lot. I wasn't allowed to see headteachers in this saga because 'it has to go through the class teacher first' they wouldn't even give me an email address for them.

Wednesday: DS told me that he had kissed a boy in his class, boy got annoyed and told a teacher. Teacher has then told DS that 'you should only kiss girls'

I am fully aware that 5 year olds might not always tell a story word for word, and we had a big discussion about not kissing people, especially when they aren't happy about it. I wanted to speak to the class teacher today but she wasn't in (snow days following the day of the remark, so had to wait until today) and I tried to phone to speak to liaison in the morning, but couldn't get through.

I'm fuming about this remark - he wouldn't of heard this at home, so surely something along these lines must have been said? I'm laying awake trying to think of all the possible ways it could have been said.

What do I do?!

OP posts:

demirose87 · 06/03/2018 07:50

I agree the teacher was in the wrong to say that but I think you should let this go. The teacher should have just said " we don't kiss anyone in school", not mentioned permission or consent as it wasn't the time or place. That's a discussion for another time.

YouTheCat · 06/03/2018 07:52

Kissing is not appropriate in school and that is the angle this should have been tackled from.

As to the comments about only kissing girls, someone sounds like they need some additional diversity training.

gussyfinknottle · 06/03/2018 07:54

If your DS is prone to kissing random people you should have a chat to him about boundaries.
If some kid started kissing my dd, it would freak her out and spoil her school experience.
If the teacher is too busy to be a decent guide, you must do it.

crimsonlake · 06/03/2018 08:04

Let it go, seriously you will be that parent. No wonder teachers are leaving the profession in droves. We are all human and make mistakes, if you were at work would you like someone watching your every comment and jumping to the attack if they did not like/ agree with what you said. Perhaps the head teacher is giving you a wide birth as you already have form for this. You have years of school ahead of you, choose your battles and in this case simply tell your child that what the teacher said was not correct.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 06/03/2018 08:05

We have had this issue about kissing. The wonderful reception teacher discussed this with the children in such a lovely way and they got the message. (She also discussed that you should try eat something ten tones before you decide you don’t like it!!)

We have full access to our heads who deal with gripes on a daily basis.

Celticlassie · 06/03/2018 08:19

Just to look at it from another angle, it's possible that the head was being inundated with appointments from parents over trivial things ("my child's not got enough lines in the school play"), hence there being a rule about speaking to the class teacher first. Then if you're not happy with the outcome, you then have an option to escalate?

gussyfinknottle · 06/03/2018 08:24

Frankly, unless the child had SEN, I would be a bit concerned about a child that goes around kissing people . This is inappropriate. I assume it just needs a talk on boundaries and personal space. But I'd keep it under observation if a child started doing this.

Shedmicehugh · 06/03/2018 08:28

I think pick your battles. Even if teacher did say it, you have corrected it to your ds!

reddington · 06/03/2018 08:34

Maybe they’re concentrating on teaching important stuff like the difference between of and have?

Original poster

Mrsknackered · 06/03/2018 08:40

Well considering I work with children within NHS I'd say it is normal practice for me to have everything scrutinised by a parent.

I will leave it as that seems to be the general consensus. I came on here to get advice as i really wasn't sure what to do.

And for the person who said 'I have form for doing this' the other time I spoke to the teacher was 100% correct. They were using humiliation tactics to reprimand bad behaviour and it has since been scrapped.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsknackered · 06/03/2018 08:42

reddington a grammar dig?

OP posts:

OpalTree · 06/03/2018 08:47

I have been in contact with class teacher and family liaison a lot. I wasn't allowed to see headteachers in this saga because 'it has to go through the class teacher first' they wouldn't even give me an email address for them
Why have you been in contact so much? Have there been lots of similar incidents?

Original poster

Mrsknackered · 06/03/2018 08:56

Opal DS had a bad week where he pushed another child. The KS1 leader wanted to place him in a yellow sash until they saw fit. The yellow sash was so that he was easily identifiable to other teachers (and obviously children) I wasn't happy with this procedure so met with CT and family liaison. We then worked together to create a behaviour plan, which he's done really well on.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 06/03/2018 09:32

A yellow sash of shame? Wow

greenbeansqueen · 06/03/2018 09:44

I wouldn't be happy with 1) that comment - it's ridiculous and of course the teacher should have explained he shouldn't kiss other kids if they don't want him to. And yes, it is ignorant/homophobic for the teacher to say this. Would teacher have not told him off if a girl had complained????
2) the lack of response from the school. They're making a mountain out of a mole hill by refusing to answer you - so I would push for it and say that IF the teacher said that then that's not on and teacher is confusing your son by saying ignorant stuff like this.

The upshot is you aren;t happy with the way the school has handled something and you should be able to discuss it with them regardless of how trivial they or anyone else might think it is. Goodness knows as class rep i have to take come utter nonsense ( which this IS NOT by the way_ to the meetings with the head who treats all feedback with respect and responds.

scaryteacher · 06/03/2018 23:59

OP Presumably you deal with children one on one. Have you tried wrangling 30 at a time? It's bad enough with KS4 kids, let alone 5 year olds. I couldn't teach Primary, I don't have the patience.

Had your ds not pushed another child, then being able to readily identify him wouldn't have been necessary?

Coyoacan · 07/03/2018 13:05

Had your ds not pushed another child, then being able to readily identify him wouldn't have been necessary?

I'm glad you are not teaching five-year-olds too, scaryteacher

LadyinCement · 07/03/2018 13:17

Anyone remember kiss chase and (gasp!) knicker chase back in the day?!

I agree that the teacher should have said "No kissing." Nothing about consent and boundaries and wotnot - the kids are 5.

Also agree that the OP should mention it to class teacher first, although I would let it go. Escalating it to Head when OP is already on the radar is not going to be helpful to her ds.

Dakiara · 07/03/2018 20:03

I remember kiss chase and boys being allowed to kiss girls in my primary. One boy kissed me frequently for a week (age 7-8) even though I told him to stop. Nothing was done. Eventually he developed a rather sore shin and decided against it.

Knicker chase - yeah, I remember that too. The girls held me down (at age 10) while everyone else helped to pull them off.

Kind glad they're focusing more on consent and respect for others these days...

Dakiara · 07/03/2018 20:06

I'd email the class teacher OP and say that your wee one came home saying that he was allowed to kiss girls but not boys and reassuring him/her that you've corrected him. If any more similar incidents occur I'd run the contact gauntlet as it were. :)

ShawshanksRedemption · 07/03/2018 20:28

It's usual in schools (IME) that you contact class teacher in the first instance, then if no joy, you can escalate it. You don't go straight to the head, and if you do, the head may just refer it down to the class teacher to address.

It may be in your school OP this has had to be enforced as no email given out for the head (but maybe a general school email contact?) because the head's inbox was getting bogged down with emails about stuff they just didn't need to deal with. The class teacher has @30 pupils' parents to interact with. The head has the whole school.....

Homebird8 · 07/03/2018 22:34

DS came home from his first day in reception telling me the school rules ‘no kissing and no whistling’.

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