To be cross with my brother

[Grammarist]

I'm getting really fed up with my brother. He's constantly making comments on the phone about my children's behaviour (they do the typical loud young children thing when I'm on the phone). He then often compares them to their cousins and has made comments on how much better they are and how I need to be a better parent.

He lives miles away and has barely spent any time with my children, so I find him commenting on their behaviour very very rude and out of order. He doesn't know them - how dare he make judgements on them and comment on them/my parenting.

AIBU? I'm finding very hard to not explode at him.

"That's nice dear, but I didn't ask for your opinion".

Rinse and repeat :)

I'll try that one.

I'd much rather jump through the phone and ram his opinion up his arse, but that's not really a viable choice.

He makes me so angry!

Is he a parent?

Hang up.

Just hang up on him.

Are the cousins his children? Say you only let them out of the cage for 10 minutes a day when he calls as you know it winds him up.

"Yes isn't it lovely to hear my children playing and being happy,so much better than children who are not allowed to express themselves,by the way,how are your dc?)😊

Sorry - should have been clearer. He's not a parent. The cousins are our DS's children.

I'll try all the suggestions. They sound nicer than most of the ones I had building up in my head.

If he'd met them more than a handful of times then I might vaguely consider his points, but...

Don't phone him.

He might have a point though. I have friends who have DC well old enough to have enough manners to wait whilst their parent is on the phone but who interrupt and nag for attention.

Absolutely infuriating really...they're 10 and 11! If your DC are under 6, he should shut up because it takes some children longer than others to learn to wait their turn in conversation.

Quite seriously - don't speak to him!!

He's being absolutely bang out of order.

Ignore the phone. Don't call him.

When he gets in touch and asks what's wrong - text him:

'Sorry bro, there's no easy way to say this, but I just can't be arsed with the calls at the moment. Just totally fed up with your constant comments on my children's behaviour. It would be bad enough if you actually knew them - but when you've barely ever met them you just sound such a fool - and so tedious! They do say there's nothing worse than a parenting expert who has no kids of their own ;) so I don't like to embarrass you on the phone, but let's take a break from calls eh? - I hate thinking of you as a bit of a tool!

Ajas makes a good point, it is irritating when children butt in and don't allow their parents to make a call - I hate calling friends when their children dominate the conversation without the parent saying 'please wait until I have finished my conversation' - or offering to arrange to call back at a more convenient time.

Perhaps your children are being incredibly noisy and interrupting all the time? they do the typical loud young children thing when I'm on the phone - why are you allowing them to do that?

Even worse is when young children answer the phone and try to 'engage' in conversation - no, it is not 'cute'. .

Ragwort you are quite right - all of those things are very bad manners.

Not quite as bad mannered as being an adult who thinks it's ok to be loudly disparaging and rude about other people's family and parenting abilities, mind you. Not quite as bad as that - children at least have the excuse of being children :)

What's your brother's excuse for his terrible manners, OP? Was he badly parented perhaps, and never learned basic politeness?

I'm with your brother on this (depending how old the kids are) it's irritating as hell having kids screaming in the background when you're trying to have a conversation.

Does this happen often? By that I mean, do you regularly speak to him?

I'm just wondering, because I hardly ever speak to my brother, it's only when we need to talk about our mum's health. And my husband doesn't very often ring his sister either. They get on well, but she's busy with her own life and they don't ring each other just to chat, they just catch up when she's in the area for family things.

So, if you don't need to speak to him, just cut out the phone calls. Maybe email or Whatsapp instead.

You can try the suggestions above, but he might get the hump. It depends on what he's like and what your relationship is like. If you change to email, you can say that you can email once the children are in bed, so you won't be disturbed and can give it your full concentration.

Rather than exploding at him whats so hard about having a conversation with him about it?

We don't speak much and when he eventually phoned me back (he's almost impossible to get hold of) it's always around teatime/bathtime, which is always a relatively louder part of our day.

I totally agree that children being noisy/interrupting when you're on the phone is annoying but my two are under 5 and haven't quite got that message yet. I'm not 'allowing them to' be like that - they are usually very good with phone calls at other times of the day, but around that time of the night they don't quite behave according to how he thinks they should.

They're not exactly tearing sound, screaming their heads off - but they're louder than normal.

He pretty much always got his own way when we were younger and has grown up fairly entitled, which is why (I think) he actually gets pissed off. He wants all the attention on him and isn't happy when it doesn't/can't happen...

I'm not going to shout my children into submission to please him!

Tried conversations with him before. He doesn't listen.

DS is a Gina Ford-style mother who also believes that children should be seen and not heard. Her children are desperately unhappy and try to come to ours as much as they possibly can as she doesn't allow them to do anything that could possibly involve any mess. I don't think they've ever baked/painted etc

She likes toys that don't have too many parts and a house that doesn't look like children exist in it. DB seems to think that's the right (and only) way to parent.

My children aren't feral, I promise! They're pretty normal children and I allow more noise/mess - but they are learning to tidy up and when we stop/ calm down. I work in education and I'm fairly confident in my parenting (of course, I'm winging parts of it just as much as anyone else), so I find the comments of my DB infuriating.

If they were older, I'd accept the criticism more!

Email/whatsapp might be better. Then I'd have less sanctimonious harping on from him!

Your siblings sound proper annoying. Are you sure you weren't swapped at birth?

“Thanks for the feedback” is my go to in situations like this.

I’m not going to justify my children enjoying their own home. They’re well behaved but yes, on occasion, they get loud. They are little kids.

@FizzyGreenWater I actually love you

There are days where I really do wonder if we're related and then I look at my other DB and all is well with the world (as he's fantastic and normal!!!)

Not sure how to tag people but FizzyGreenWater - you are brilliant!

You just put @ immediately in front of the user name @Grammarist

Ahhh ok! Daft moment! Of course you do!!