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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Expect Contrition?

23 replies

Hadalifeonce · 05/03/2018 16:26

DH confessed to me 6 months ago that he had gambled away £20,000. Naturally I was absolutely beside myself with anger, and hurt that he had betrayed my trust. I love him dearly, and he was really upset. I paid off our mortgage so that he could not get access to anymore money. After a few weeks we sat down to discuss it, rationally, and he said that he would never do anything like it again, and had deleted all his online access to betting sites after seeing how hurt I was. I am finding it very difficult to forgive him, and I worry about our cash flow, his argument is that when his parents die (they are very elderly) everything will be OK. My argument is that we cannot and should not rely on that happening. Until last year, it was accepted that he would have to work until normal retirement age (66). He then got his private pension statement which showed there will be a tax free lump sum; he then started joking about retiring at 62. After the £20,000 he is now saying that as his way of paying back to the family he will work an extra 2 years and retire at 64!
AIBU to expect some kind of contrition from him, his life hasn't changed a jot since he blew the money, meanwhile I am worrying about our credit card not being paid off, and concerned that if we need repairs to the house/car we won't be able to pay for it.

I am not expecting him to wear a hair shirt or anything, I just want him to feel something . I suppose I am not really asking for advise as much as getting it off my chest, he is so ashamed he asked me to tell no one. I did suggest gamblers Anon, but he has assured me it won't happen again,

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 16:28

if he blew 20k through gambling then he needs to go to gamblers anon, I would be livid if I were you

ScreamingLevitation · 05/03/2018 16:29

He's not very sorry because at the minute he isn't really admitting to himself, let alone anyone else, what he's done. He won't go to GA because he's pretending it's never happened. And if he can pretend it never happened once...

Honestly, I would consider attendance at GA being a condition of our continuing marriage.

toolonglurking · 05/03/2018 16:31

Assurances aren't worth shit, if he can lose that much money gambling then he has a problem.
If he were my DH he'd be going to gamblers anon or similar and he'd be grovelling for the family's forgiveness.

falsepriest · 05/03/2018 16:36

Guy needs a wake-up call. He's living on promises not reality. Slap and GA.

Beanteam · 05/03/2018 16:42

I don’t think it’s fair that he is happy Larry and got away with blowing that much money and you probably appear like fretful fanny with all the worry this has lNded on your shoulders. I would dam well tell someone. You can claim it slipped out if you want, cos someone asked why you were so anxious. But he really does not deserve the respect of DCs or close family after doing this. Also keeping it secret he is more likely to do it again- there’s less shame if it’s one untypical lapse.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 05/03/2018 16:45

There was some slapping!!! But how can one force a grown man to go to GA?
I love him dearly, and wouldn't want to threaten to end our marriage over a visit to GA. If it happened again though................... Although he has no access to large sums of money.

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ScreamingLevitation · 05/03/2018 16:48

What about marriage counselling? It might be a situation where you can do some clear communicating.

Bluelady · 05/03/2018 16:48

There's something I'm missing here. How does paying off the mortgage prevent him accessing any more money?

Hidingtonothing · 05/03/2018 16:49

As far as he's concerned the problem is solved and he's failing to grasp the fact that you had to solve it and that you are left with the residual worry about current and future finances and the possibility he might find a way to do it again, frankly I'm not surprised you're struggling with his lack of contrition!

Have you told him how hearing him talk about early retirement etc makes you feel? If not I think you should, he needs to realise there is fallout from what he did and that him failing to acknowledge that (and being crass enough to say what he said about retiring) is damaging your ability to respect him.

Making mistakes is human and understandable but the way he deals with those mistakes is everything in terms of the lasting effect on your relationship and it sounds like you need to point that out to him. And yes, I would want to see some real effort (GA would be a start) before I could think about trusting him again and some acknowledgment and acceptance of the damage he's done before I could forgive or respect him again.

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/03/2018 16:57

Hi op,

To,be fair it seems to me you took the responsibility away from him, you sorted it out paid off mortgage etc, he sees it as well that's that over with.

He needs to replace that money. Ide be More worried about possible loans being taken out on the house without your knowledge. Get him to sign the house over to you for safe keeping, if he won't. Well then that's another shit sandwich for you

What is he doing to address the addiction in the future ?

💐

RandomMess · 05/03/2018 17:01

What's to stop him getting credit cards or loans out? It happens! SIL lost he house like this, he forged her signature, got loads of credit cards etc and gambled the lot...

Rosamund1 · 05/03/2018 17:03

It is not unusual for care home fees to use up any ‘promised inheritance’. Don’t bank on that. Even if you think they’re at death’s door they could hang on for t more years.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 05/03/2018 17:05

Paying off the mortgage meant he had no access to borrowing anymore. The rest of the money was savings.... nothing there so he can't spend it.
Hidingtonothing: Thank you for your wise words. After another discussion last night, he has sent a text from work today to say that we need to sit down and properly look at finance liabilities. I think the seed planted last night has germinated during the day.

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Bluelady · 05/03/2018 17:07

So he remortgaged? How did he manage that without your permission? I'm genuinely not getting this.

RemainOptimistic · 05/03/2018 17:07

If he has no access to large sums of money where did he get the 20k?!

Are you certain it's only this 20k?

Why did he stop?

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 05/03/2018 17:14

The mortgage was one of those where it is an account you can pay off an amount per month, but if you need to can borrow against it if necessary, it was in both names . If for instance we needed new windows, we could just borrow against the mortgage account. The rest was in savings.

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Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 05/03/2018 17:16

He stopped, because he had used up the savings, and I noticed the borrowing on the mortgage account that had not been agreed. That's when it all came out and I went apeshit.

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Bluelady · 05/03/2018 17:18

Get it now, I hope you didn't think I was having a go, I genuinely didn't understand. It's going to take a fair bit of contrition, I imagine. I'd be livid.

timeisnotaline · 05/03/2018 17:22

I’d be livid. Personally my marriage would be conditional on ga. and if he doesn’t think he has a problem he’s going to meetings because he made his wife sick with anger and worry and spent the family savings and will do anything to make it up. Suggests it’s that or he works extra hours ( without cutting back his role in the family) until he’s paid you back 20k to spend on whatever the hell you want. Then it’s his choice.

user1499333856 · 05/03/2018 18:08

So he stole from you and your children? Took money without permission from a joint mortgage fraudulently? And he only stopped because he got caught? And then he has the temerity to say he will do you all a favour and work just a little over the bare minimum that he is required towards it all? He is also relying on his parents to die to give him a quick fix so he has to suffer in no way whatsoever? You have had to pay off the mortgage because he is a child who can't be trusted not to steal?

Wake up!

He needs to take an extra job to repay that money to the family now. He needs to step up as a husband and a parent. He needs to go to Gambler's Anon. He needs to be very sorry and show you that he is every day from now on. He has driven your marriage in to the wall.

RemainOptimistic · 05/03/2018 19:28

This man has stolen from you!

He stopped because he got found out. What's to stop him taking out another credit card and gambling that away? Or taking out a personal loan against the house or car?

You must be in shock but for goodness sake see him for what he is.

Bluelady · 05/03/2018 19:34

To be realistic, he's not going to be able to get a second job if he's as I guess in his late 50s. I'd be suggesting to him very strongly that he might consider revising his retirement plans and working until he's 66 to recoup the money he's squandered.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 08/03/2018 08:41

Thank you all, it's very easy to talk about marriages being conditional, I believe he understands that if I found out he has been gambling again, he couldn't guarantee he would necessarily be allowed into the house. He knows I am still very untrusting of him, it there is racing on the TV, I visibly flinch, and it goes off.
He also knows if I discovered any more, I would have no hesitation in telling his parents, they are brilliant in-laws and love me dearly, I don't think they would have a problem naming me as a sole beneficiary in their will rather than him, once they knew the situation.

I do love him to bits, and he knows how badly hurt I was by this. I am just frustrated that he found it so easy to leave it all behind, and I (as the natural worrier) cannot.

But we are talking about it, and I am firmly of the opinion that communication is key.

OP posts:

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