he cancelled child contact then went out drinking

[vanessa6734]

ex was due to have DCs saturday (not overnight) as he does every week. On the morning he told me he couldn't have them as he was being violently sick and (tmi) couldn't get off the loo.

I was a bit peed off as DCs were excited and I had made plans but I just said okay can't be helped, and changed plans/explained to the DCs.

My eldest was very upset as she idolises him and was looking forward to it.

Found out today he then had a group of friends round his for drinks on saturday night and seems they went out after.I was fuming and (stupidly) messaged him saying I know he was out, so he obviously lied to get out of seeing the DCs.

He says he felt better by mid day so just had a few drinks, he says IABU as he was never supposed to have DCs evening anyway so its "none of my buisness" and I am just jealous because he had girls over ().

I'm upset because if you are being that unwell first thing you wouldn't be well enough to be drinking the same evening, I get the impression this must have been pre planned and plans with DCs would have interfered as he would normally drop them back at bedtime.

hmm does he have form for this?

If not maybe cut him some slack this time..

It is shit though.

My ex used to do this regularly, from the pub when we were waiting at the station, after a 60 mile rail trip...then switch off his phone...

The contact arrangments are fairly recent, we split 6 months ago and then had to live together for a bit and then he would see the DCs at mine as he had no where to live. He has only been taking them back to his for about 2 months, in that time he hasn't not turned up before but given his new "freedom" he has been late a few times and overly tired/complaining of a headache.

hmm...well maybe leave it this time...I don't know ..
it is so shit for you but above all for your children...

Get a notebook exclusively for this purpose.
At the front = child contact. At the back = child maintenance. Keep a record with dates, of all contact and cancellations as well as money received. ( ‘I gave you thousands last year !1!!!’ ‘No, you contributed £786 towards the care of your children’) Facts are key but easily forgotten. Even if you have a bank account they are paid into it can be a faff going through that, and what about the £30 cash for the birthday party etc.

It is a factual record when things get emotional. Also, I’m not saying this is your ex- but many of the most unreliable parents suddenly push for more contact (out of guilt?). The primary concern is the welfare of the children and someone who has cancelled 16 of the last 20 contacts would be obviously unreasonable to ask for more. Presenting a court or mediator with that information is a million times better than bringing out the old chestnut ‘he’s so unreliable!’. Also for you, if you see he has made 17 of the last contacts you can clearly see that it is not-factual for you to say ‘he’s always cancelling’.

Fantastic advice Rosamund1

really good idea Rosamund..I so wish that I had done that...:(

A single source is great advice. For me it was all in a diary. So useful. I still do it even though the ex has become more "stable". It really would leave him flat if he tried to rile me up with comments about access.

So this entry would read something like
(Heading 1 = DATE ARRANGED FOR CONTACT) Friday whatever March 2018.
Column 2 (CANCELLATION/COMMENT) Bob called to cancel as he was ill but was seen by SIL clubbing in Maze night club. He said he got better in the evening.

DC returned with no socks, dirty, wearing only pyjamas in freezing weather

Lovely trip to Disneyland

(Heading 3= NOTICE GIVEN) Ten minutes/ evening before/ 2weeks/none-did not show up)

(Heading 4 = DID DC SEE BOB) No/Yes - 2 days/ 1 hr/ half term. [ it’s easier to tally up ticks or crosses than reread comments]

I hope this makes sense.