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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed life hasn’t turned out the way I thought?

28 replies

Lucyalexander1 · 05/03/2018 11:27

I am NOT moaning I have a good life it’s just not turned out the way I expected. I’m 30 next year and seem to be trailing behind everyone else my age. I took the last year out from work to go travelling an amazing experience but cost me a fortune and I’ve now had to take a more junior position at work than I was in before. I have saved 25k for a house deposit but living just outside London everything is so expensive I can’t afford the monthly mortgage payments so I’m back staying with my parents for a while trying to save a bit more. I’ve also never been in a relationship that has lasted longer than a few months. The thing is most of my friends from school have settled down and have a family by now and I’m still out partying every week and going on holidays as if I’m still 20. So have I left everything too late or AIBU?

OP posts:

PoisonousSmurf · 05/03/2018 11:31

Stop comparing yourself to others and do what makes YOU happy!
If it's being like everyone else, then you are going to fail...Everytime!

Trinity66 · 05/03/2018 11:31

30 is still young, relax, alot of people are waiting to mid to late 30's nowadays to start families etc

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 11:33

You're 29. Your life hasn't turned out like anything, because you're still a child!

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2018 11:33

You sound like you've a great life. You've twenty five grand in savings, you've got a job, you have family support to enable you to save more, you've spent a year travelling and you're out enjoying yourself.

Think of the positives. Focus on what you do have not what you don't.

bilbodog · 05/03/2018 11:34

Do not despair - i thought the same thing as you and decided i had had enough of waiting for mr right (or even mr wrong) by that time so i decided to look to the future on my own - was going to buy a place on my own (you are nearly there), make sure i had a good job and pension. At 33 an old flame appeared and we started again (had only gone out for a few months when i was 24), got married at 34, had 2 DC and eventually moved out of london to bucks and have my dream dog as well!! Most people i know from london didnt get married until their 30s so you still have plenty of time.

gigi556 · 05/03/2018 11:35

Relax! Loads of people feel like this, but the grass is not always greener.

I was in a similar position at 30 except was studying so had even less money! I even said to a friend, if I don't meet someone by the time I'm 35 I'm going to have kids on my own.

At 31, I met a very lovely man and now I'm 35. We are still together. Bought a house and now have a 9 month old son together :)

MarshaBradyo · 05/03/2018 11:39

You’re still young, so don’t fret but if you want to change it now is a good time

BarbarianMum · 05/03/2018 11:40

I felt like you when I turned 30 and was in a similar position. It did make me focus on what I wanted out of the next decade of my life - I do think your 30s are a time to start prioritising (20s was about getting a career off the ground and travel, 30s was about getting a home, meeting someone and having children). It worked out for me, it may well for you (there is an element of luck involved). As someone whose now starting to consider what they want out of their 50s I can assure you that life hasn't passed you by just yet.

BarbarianMum · 05/03/2018 11:42

Sorry to be clear those "20s/30s are for... "bits of my last post were specific to me, obviously they'd not be right for everyone.

swivelchair · 05/03/2018 12:06

Christ no - I was in the same position at your age - you just can't predict how things are going to go - for me, I met my DP, and within 2 years we'd had our first child, and life is doing great - for others I know, they're single and enjoying that, or they've got a partner and no plans for kids, and that's fine too - there's no one way.

What do you want? Think hard and see if you definitely do, or if you just assume you do - do you enjoy your life as it is? If not, look for things you can change - it's OK to start small!

rubyroot · 05/03/2018 12:12

Think you're being ridiculous. Many 30 yr olds can only dream of saving 25000 deposit for a house.
And there's more ftms over the age of 35 than under 25.

Really don't know what 30 year olds you are comparing yourself to, but theyre certainly not typical.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 05/03/2018 12:18

You sound like you had a grandma life and I am sure many of your peers who appear to have perfect life with house, husband and DC are very welcome nvious of you and your lifestyle and freedom esp vitally the partying.
I had given up on settling down by about 31 so decided to be happy in my own company and not worry about not conforming I would be a fun old spinster and fun crazy old auntie etc.
Out of the blue when not looking and after giving up I met DH got married at 35 took awhile but finally had DC at 38 and 39.
For me I was basically still a party girl at heart like yourself and wasn’t ready to sgo title down until I did. Carry on enjoying yourself.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/03/2018 12:19

Did you not take this into account before you went travelling?

Fintress · 05/03/2018 12:19

You took a year out of work to go travelling, have 25K in the bank, have a job, staying with parents to save more and still can party every weekend all at age 29. Countless people would swap places with you in an instant. You are 29 not 49. Totally unreasonable thinking you have left things too late. What defines 'too late'?

SB1189 · 05/03/2018 12:22

@saoirsesoige how horribly patronising to call a 29 year old a child.

saoirsesoige · 05/03/2018 12:23

Really? I thought it was something of a compliment from an old person like me

teaiseverything · 05/03/2018 12:24

Stop comparing yourself. I'm 29. While I have a DH, I'm also crippled with chronic illness and cannot work. So, we don't have any savings as my health has eaten up all of them (obviously we're working to rectify this), don't own a home, don't have kids (and won't be since my health isn't good enough) and I had a pretty traumatic life up to around 22 so I've never had the money to go travelling and see the world. I don't have any family as we're NC because my mother is a cruel nutjob.

It is what it is. I don't focus on the negative because I'd drive myself nuts and I had to stop comparing myself to others. You have to try to focus on the positive and if you do want to make changes, make them. Having the privilege to change your circumstances (ie. less holidays, less partying to save for bigger deposit) is a gift. You seem like you have a fun life and lots of fun still ahead .

ChristmasAddict · 05/03/2018 12:29

I'm 29 too and I am married with a child but am a bit of an oddity in my friendship group. Some are settled in long term relationships but lots are still single. Very few have bought a house. Completely normal :)

Inseoir · 05/03/2018 12:37

What way did you think it would turn out?

If it had turned out that way, do you think you would be happy? I doubt it - you'd probably then look at people with something different and envy them instead. Comparing yourself to other people is sort of like nail biting - it's a bad habit and it achieves nothing. So try to stop.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2018 12:37

There is nothing wrong with still enjoying a party lifestyle while you can afford it and have no dependents. I carried on rampaging happily till I was almost 40, and only eased off because I had DS.
There's nothing inherently 'better' about focussing on domesticity. Plenty of people buy into the idea that what every woman needs is a male owner and some babies to keep her occupied (and, you know, stop her getting any ideas above her station) - it's bullshit. No one has to marry/breed if they don't fancy it.

FencingFightingTorture35 · 05/03/2018 12:39

Looking at that list you are incredibly lucky. Sometimes you do need a gentle shake in life to realise that. From the sounds of it you're wanting a settled relationship and children but you aren't too old to have those things. They're not entirely within anyone's control but there's still lots you can do to go out and get them

There are so many people who would swap with you in an instant I promise. It's worth stopping to realise how lucky you are.

SundaySalon · 05/03/2018 12:40

You’re still so young OP, it’s the comparing yourself to others that’s got you doubting your own achievements. I used to do it all the time, I got married and had children when I was 22. I love my family and our home but I saw my friends travelling the world and experiencing things I wouldn’t be able to do anytime soon. I spoke to one of my BFs about it (she’s cabin crew, travels all over the world and gets paid really well) she was baffled and said she always wanted to be in my position, looked at my life the same way I looked at hers. I don’t do it anymore, it’s pointless. You have plenty of time to do whatever you want in life!

mimibunz · 05/03/2018 12:43

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

fusushumi · 05/03/2018 12:46

In 10 years time you may look back on this time and wonder why you worried so much! Try to enjoy yourself, stop comparing yourself with others and pursue the things that make YOU happy

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/03/2018 12:50

You've had 12 years of adult life. I'm more than twice your age, yet still have an expected life ahead of me of more years than your total adult life.

Remember there's more than one way of achieving your lifetime aims - I've got where I want to be, but certainly not by the route I expected. (And sometimes the route took me through very undesirable areas!)

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