AIBU to think he's playing games?

8 replies

Allthesadness · 05/03/2018 09:07

DH announced a month ago that he wasn't sure about our relationship anymore and wasn't happy with all the arguments. I was devastated as I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two gorgeous DC.

It has really shook me to the core and although he has said that he's not talking about leaving, I'm not so sure and have gone into panic mode. I have completely backed off anything that might cause even the smallest disagreement, I have taken over all of the household chores and anything to do with the children, told him to go and relax, told him to go on nights out more frequently, started arranging a child-free weekend away for us as a surprise, etc

However, I feel like the more I'm panicking, the more he is acting cold towards me and has withdrawn affection unless I ask for it. Last night we were having a cuddle and chat in bed and he sat there so stoney-faced. I tried to cheer him up and at one point initiated sex, to which he said he didn't want to (which never happens) because I'd turned him down in the past.

On Saturday, I played it cool - was friendly but only spoke to him when spoken to and was busying myself with some tasks I'd been meaning to do for a while. It was quite noticeable that the mood changed and he started popping up all the time asking if i was ok.

I feel like he is playing games and because I'm making such a big deal out of this and panicking, he's doing it even more. Before anyone asks, yes, we have talked about this many times (daily) and it seems the more i tell him it upsets me, and break down crying the more pissed off he gets.

What do i do? Help!

OP posts:

snewsname · 05/03/2018 09:12

Please don't try to make things better. Just get on and do your thing and let him work it out for himself. Trying to change is only going to make things worse. Be yourself as he will make whatever decision he needs to regardless of, or in spite of, what you do.

LadySainsburySeal · 05/03/2018 09:30

Please don't make yourself a skivvy to try and please him. Don't tell him how much it upsets you as some people enjoy upsetting people. I would ignore him until he gives his head a wobble and either pisses or gets off the pot.

If he's not sure about the relationship there's 2 choices. Look after and out for yourself. (financially too)

Shoxfordian · 05/03/2018 09:41

Have some pride
If he says he might want to leave then pack his shit up for him

Don't try to appease him or be extra nice

ThePants999 · 05/03/2018 10:20

Relationship counselling?

Firesuit · 05/03/2018 10:27

People react to each other, if he finds he's treated better when he treats OP coldly he may well be learning to do it more. That doesn't mean he's necessarily in the wrong, it could be that he's been miserable for fifteen years and after every other method has failed he's now discovered how to shift things toward an equilibrium he can live with. (Not that I'm bringing my own issues to the thread...)

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/03/2018 10:39

Yes, he's playing games. However much you love the man you married, that's not the same man that you've had living with you the last month.

How much does your life revolve around him? It's dangerous to have the foundations of your life on another person, who you can't of course control, and so your foundations can be pulled from under your feet at any time, as you have found. And it can feel oppressive to the other person to know that they are so much needed.

Did you find the Saturday DH to be more acceptable than the DH of the last month? That might help you determine your future behaviour.

My best advice to you is to build a life that is independent of DH - not just financial practicalities, but an emotional and social life. So that you're with DH not because you need to be, but because you want to be.

Oh, and stop planning that child-free weekend. That's too intense at the moment. Save it for when you two have got your relationship back on to an even keel.

Dadof3lushgirls · 28/08/2018 22:40

Hello there, its a horrible feeling to believe that you have no control and worse still that you are being toyed with.
It makes logical sense to take things away from him to try and please him more, but you are communicating that your needs aren't important that you'll do anything to keep him, your upset and desperation are pushing him away, why? Because those things simply communicate that you're afraid and fear says me me me. I think more time together is great, you have to be clear that your needs are important, equally as important if you continue to devalue them he will follow your lead and you won't stop the rot.
If you want to you can absolutely learn to love him and start all over again. Fear and complacency kill relationships.
My suggestion would be start talking more, without any tears or drama, even role play that with a a friend so that you are better placed to listen what he is really communicating when you talk about your relationship.
Hope that helps some

Novasglow · 28/08/2018 23:01

No advice, just wanted to offer a hand hold. I've been there. Stay strong and don't let him drag you down

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