Posting for traffic re: sexual abuse . Poss triggering

[DinaSoares]

I’m listening to a podcast and the host commented that a parent subjecting a child to sexual activity is a form of abuse. Now the child is not involved in the activity but in the same room or nearby where they can hear what is happening. On previous episodes there have been comments about parents speaking of sex, about them having sex etc is a form of abuse.
Is this true?
I’m asking because from a very very young age I knew my parents were having sex. There was no effort to contain the noise, close the door or just shut up in general. They did this when visitors were over too and there was always a joking/shaming in the following days to get them to shut up so I was exposed to this at a young age.
I was also made to clean their room which involved picking up discarded underwear fe the floor and dirty tissues. As I got older I realised what the tissues were for and wore gloves and scrubbed my hands. There was frequently a large amount of porn magazines in the room too and as I had to clean it I found them.
As an adult I have strange attitudes to sex and have been assaulted.
Having been to therapy my therapists are always surprised when I say I wasn’t sexually abused as a child but was this abuse in a non physical form?

Having sex with the door open, while dc are awake and up and about, is considered sexually abusive behaviour. I'm sorry op

I think there is a big difference between having sex in the same room as a child and having sex in a bedroom with a door open.

However, making you to clean up afterwards is definitely worrying though. I would agree that at the very least it was highly inappropriate and more likely abuse.

Sorry you went through that.

Yes, being made to clean up their sex paraphernalia is twisted and abusive.

I’m not sure how to process this really. I sort of sniffed at the concept when I heard it first but something about this evening made me stop and think. My head is in a whirl.
We were often woken from the noise of them having sex or if we came upstairs during the day we’d be screamed at even though that’s the only place there was a toilet in the house. People would refuse to stay at our house after one visit. It was like they had to show how in love they were or how attracted to each other they were. The other 99% of the time they were at each other’s throats

Sexual abuse is any act that involves the child in any activity for the sexual gratification of another person, whether or not it is claimed that the child either consented or assented. Sexual abuse involves forcing or enticing a child to take part in sexual activities, whether or not the child is aware of what is happening. The activities may involve physical contact, including penetrative or non-penetrative acts. They may include non-contact activities, such as involving children in looking at, or in the production of indecent images or in watching sexual activities, using sexual language towards a child or encouraging children to behave in sexually inappropriate ways (see also section on child sexual exploitation).

This is a formal definition of sexual abuse, Scotland. Do you recognize yourself in it?

Sounds similar to my parents.

I thought it was normal, but now I'm an adult and I have spoken to other people I realise it wasn't!

My father was overtly sexual towards my mother. And I heard them having sex a lot (the most noisy being when my first boyfriend was round the house - something I now think was deliberate.) My dad had a huge stash of porn mags, and he would even read them in the living room when he was looking after me and my brother. I remember talking to my mum one night and realising she was "getting ready" for sex - lingerie etc- why she didn't shoo me away or stop I don't know.

My dad was a very controlling man (and alcoholic) and my mum seemed to be in his thrall. He treated her really badly at points, but it never took her long to forgive him and start having sex with him again (And grim that I was aware of that!)

I'm not sure I could say I was sexually abused. I think it was my mum being abused really (And wonder if my dad liked humiliating her in some way.)

The effect it has had on my life - very sexually liberal (not in an unhealthy way) until I had children. Now, I struggle with being sexual, and I believe that is down to my parents and me not wanting to treat my children disrespectfully. Not sure how to solve that one!

Sorry that was long - wasn't imagining I would end up posting about this!

Just adding to my post, just to get it off my chest really...

Sunday afternoon my parents would disappear to go to bed, fairly regularly. I would be left on my own, or when my brother came along I would be left to look after him. When I was six I left the house and went to a friend's house whilst they were at it - my mum and dad came downstairs and panicked that I had gone. They were frantic when they found me - but no lesson learnt there!

Also remember on a Sunday coming home with my brother and hearing them having sex and having to take him to walk the streets until it was over.

What I find really quite disturbing is when I was in sexual relationships when I was older I always saw Sunday as "sex day". Makes me feel sick writing that down now.

Sorry to have highjacked your thread. Really hope therapy brings you some answers

Dina - that sounds horrific. I’m sorry your parents behaved like that around you. If I knew of a child being treated as you were, I would report them to social services and most probably, the police as well.

It’s one thing overhearing your parents having sex (although I find the deliberateness of that stomach churning, too) but it is particularly grim to subject a child to the aftermath of sexual activity and expect them to clean it up. Really just awful.

Tolpuddlefarter I’m sorry you went through similar. There’s something very icky about it isn’t there?

Speingtimeforall no I don’t recognise myself in that definition but I’m not sure what other word(s) I could use to describe listening to dirty talk, wailing, moaning etc from the age of 6-7. Also not sure what to call finding porn all over their room or cleaning up their discarded clothes and tissues.
Writing this down now I remember being woken on night with my Mam calling me, she woke me from my sleep to get her a towel. He was on his side asleep. But I was woken from my sleep for that.
On the occasions they weren’t at each other’s throats they were always groping one another and kissing sloppily and nosily. It really was very grim.
I remember as a teen wondering if my boyfriend didn’t fancy me because he never helped me in public or rammed his tongue down my throat when we had an audience. I had a nice respectable guy and thought there was something wrong with him :(