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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My heart hurts

37 replies

Housequeen101 · 04/03/2018 21:24

This is really hard for me, please be gentle. I’ve had to stop breast feeding my 7week old and I’m hurting, quiet shocked at how upset I am. I’ve had to leave breast feeding groups on Facebook as posts about mums reaching their 6 month breast feeding mark are making me feel inadequate and to be honest, jealous. Baby has terrible terrible colic, it’s so bad. For various reasons I’ve had to combi feed but have enjoyed breast feeding. But breast milk has given baby bad reflux - you could see how uncomfortable it made her, so had to give her gaviscon but that gave her constipation so switched to carabel but that also gave her constipation, so on top of colic she now has terrible constipation, so I’ve had to stop breastfeeding. I feel like my baby won’t be able to tell me apart from other women, like I’ve failed as a mum. I just saw a mum breastfeeding and my heart aches. Anyone have any advise?

OP posts:

ReturnfromtheStars · 04/03/2018 22:14

Sorry that did not sound too kind, I'm just tired. I wanted to reassure you, hope it didn't sound the opposite. Yes, it felt devastating for me when I gave up BF and started to FF. But as others said, my children couldn't be closer to me, same with my Mum.

But it really is a phase and being a good parent is so much more complex. I only ever thrive to be an acceptable parent though :)

theftbyfinding · 04/03/2018 22:17

I remember feeling the same when I had to stop at 4 months op. Ds had hideous colic and reflux too, I later learned it was because he was feeding so often and for such short periods so he was getting too much of the richer foremilk. Not sure if that's true but it made sense at the time. We were both happier when we stopped though so don't think it's a negative at all. You've done brilliantly.

ImYourWomanJonSnow · 04/03/2018 22:19

I had to supplement with formula from when DC2 was five days old and finally switched to formula only at 6 weeks. I cried and felt like an utter failure but honestly now OP he’s a happy, active, healthy and curious nine month old with whom I have a great bond. We coslept and I carried him in the sling all the time so we had a lot of cuddles. Formula feeding has its advantages too - unlike his big brother who was breastfed until 10 months he started sleeping for longer periods earlier, I have been able to leave him with family if I needed a break for a few hours without worrying that he would be hungry etc. Trust me, in a few months it won’t make a blindest bit of difference.

Shoppingwithmother · 04/03/2018 22:19

I gave up breastfeeding on day 4 with my first child. BF was so difficult, very painful, and she was barely drinking anything. I switched to a bottle and she guzzled it down, with her beautiful big eyes staring up at me lovingly while she drank it! I was happy, she was happy, DH was happy to be able to feed and bond with her as well.

Do not feel guilty - I did not at all and if it is what works best for you and your baby, then I couldn’t recommend giving up breastfeeding highly enough!

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 04/03/2018 22:24

You haven’t failed as a mother. Both my kids were bottle fed due to the medication I take. I never felt any less like a mother. Me and my siblings were all bottle fed and my mum would tell you the same. Don’t beat yourself up over it. At least you got to try. It didn’t work out and now you are doing the best you can for your DD needs,

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 04/03/2018 22:25

I gave up after 6 hours and beat myself up for about a year. Honestly, it made no difference, a fed baby is a healthy one. I can understand your grief for what you thought things would look like, give yourself some time and accept that it's ok to be sad. In time you'll realise that you've done thing wrong and that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Right now it seems like the worst thing in the world, experience will show you that it isn't. Parenting is a bumpy ride, and you sound like a lovely mum for your baby x x

Original poster

Housequeen101 · 04/03/2018 23:14

Thank you all for your kind words. Hopefully I’ll feel better about it soon.

I know logically it’s best for my baby but I can’t shake the guilty thoughts or feeling like I could have done more to make it work. I actually feel really ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know I sound like a drama queen which isn’t like me and in the grand scheme of things this is minor but it just feels so major to me. I BF my first exclusively until she was 6 weeks and then combi feed till she was 5-6 months but did have PND

OP posts:

steff13 · 04/03/2018 23:20

My eldest son was in the NICU for a few days after he was born. I'd had a spinal block, so I couldn't see him right away because I couldn't get out of bed until it wore off. When it finally wore off and they wheeled me until the NICU to see him, he had this weird space helmet on and all kinds of tubes in him. I stood up and said "hi." He turned in the direction of my voice. He recognized my voice at a few hours old because he'd heard me talking to him from in my belly.

Your baby knows you from other women. Even if you don't breastfeed

Jamiefraserskilt · 05/03/2018 00:12

Well done for getting to 7 weeks.
Looking back to my two kids early years, the one thing I regret is how much damn pressure I put on myself (and others did too) to be the perfect mum. Birthing plans, breastfeeding plans, routines, walking, sleeping, potty Training...ffs!
Lord knows how my kids survived as none of it worked to plan and they are still with us. They still love their Mum and do not know that I only did three months Bf with one and three weeks with the other. Doesnt stop the guilt at the time though.
Believe me, you have to forgive yourself over this or each time something doesn't turn out how you want, you will implode.
Enjoy your wee one and take each day as it comes. You are doing great!

Ivy79 · 05/03/2018 00:21

@HouseQueen101

When I had mine, (1990's,) the midwives told me that even if you could breastfeed baby for only 2-3 weeks, it gives them a great start, and a great advantage. So 7 weeks is fine sweetie!

I had a busy, professional job for many years, including when I had my kids, and I had to return to work when they were 4 months old, both times. So I stopped B/F at 3 months with each one. (Yes I know I could have 'expressed,' but I chose not to.)

They are now very happy, and very healthy, and very smart post graduates in brilliant careers. So 'only' B/F them til 3 months did them no harm!!!

Stopping at 7 weeks is OK honestly.

If people can feed for longer, that is great, but I personally don't think that B/F a baby til they are 6 months old, (or one or two years old,) gives them any more of an advantage in life than stopping at 2 or 3 months. I know people will disagree, but it won't change my mind.

Bambamber · 05/03/2018 00:38

Well done on making it to 7 weeks, please dont feel embarrassed or ashamed, how you feed your baby is no measure of you as a mother. I'm fact you recognised there was a problem and you're putting your own feelings aside to try and do right by your baby.

Are you getting much support from your HV visitor or GP? Sounds a bit like your'e going round in circles with one problem leading to another

FloppyDoodle · 05/03/2018 05:14

I only managed 4 days of beastfeeding with my dd. I didn't produce enough milk and my dd struggled to latch on. Did this make me feel bad about myself? No, because I gave her formula instead, but she also developed reflux. These things happen and its nobody's fault. She is now a healthy 3 yr old. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're obviously thinking of your child first, which is all that matters. Breast feeding isn't the only way to feed and bond with a baby.

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